My petite and frail Hummingbird,
may I offer you a drink,
taste my heart and feel my warmth
while our intentions are in sync
Shrink with me, my Hummingbird,
So I am not alone
Let me drown you in disease
let me keep you undergrown
And every stone will roll away
when your bones buldge out with mine
and will we wither anyway
as our hair loses its shine
And we will shrink until we're corpses
Oh, a cryptic dream to live
but this world is quick to startle
and not easy to forgive
Stop-- my dear, my Hummingbird
I've lead you far and wrong
Cease to wither, darling Hummingbird,
before you are all gone
Oh my precious, lovely Hummingbird,
Now your wings are far too weak
Oh my lovely, precious Hummingbird
who dies with eyes so bleak
Let me save you, priceless Hummingbird
Disease is but a lie
And to live with me, sweet Hummingbird
You in fact must be
alive
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey there Kat here to write a review for you on this lovely review day!
Okay so first thing is first, the last stanza jut totally broke the flow and the idea didn't make much sense to me at all in that one. Another thing I think you over used the word hummingbird just a little to much ere, it's important to find middle ground when doing things like that. I liked how at first your poem seems very sweet and innocent but you then continue to elaborate and I can see our feelings and ideas in this poem really grow and flourish.
"but this world is quick to startle
and not easy to forgive"
Those were my two favorite lines from the whole thing because they are so true and sometimes the world can be so so cruel . But I kind of wish you had made this longer and also showed how nice he world can be. But only kind of because you have a very strong message going here with the hummingbird and the very real tragedy of the world. your grammar looks pretty good except I noticed that in the stanzas you would capitalize some letters at the beginning of lines and not others but I think that is really just personal preference and doesn't really matter...
Keep it up
~Kat
Here my quick little review, hope it's helpful I really like this (and I'm not even a big poetry person). It's a bit eerie and a touch creepy, but the imagery is so... striking. I just love the movement of this poem, the motion with which it is told. It also really reminds me of Hades and Persephone from Greek mythology.
Wow! Well done Kitty Bee! Here is a long list of good things.
The title drew me in to this. I don't know what's so good about but it did.
You have lovely rhythm, due to this demi list:
-well paced syllables
-consistent sentence length
-rhyme (I love rhyme in poetry )
Repetition
I was listening to my favorite music while reading this (ok, you can't engineer that)
Just. Overall. Awesomeness!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!