Wow, beautiful imagery and fluid writing; this poem was fantastic! You did a great job of showing the dark side of an amazing place. I really like your style of writing, I could feel the rhythm of the poem very well in most spots.
You should work on the different sentence lengths though, some of them were very wordy when they didn't need to be. For instance:
“An older man refuse to leave his bench on a bus stop even though the newspaper over his head is now running ink down his face."
It felt as if you didn't put much effort into the rhythm of this line, like you just wrote a sentence and part of it didn't fit so it ended up on the next line. Maybe you could break it up, for example:
“An old man refuses to leave his bench at a bus stop,
even though the newspaper over his head
is now running ink down his face."
There were very many lines that should also be broken down, and one more in particular:
The zoo is closing, and large Cuban families are mumbling old, Spanish profanities under their breaths as they are evicted."
Might sound better as:
The zoo is closing,
And large Cuban families are mumbling old
Spanish profanities under their breath
as they are evicted.
You should edit again, but overall it was a great poem. I especially liked the last stanza where you wrote: “in my concrete jungle." That shows that despite its flaws, this is your home and you love it.
Just keep writing-
Killyouwithwords
Points: 82
Reviews: 53
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