Iron-flavored cherry stripes decorate my thighs,
A thousand blissful kisses having turned corrupt,
and when I’m looking into the sunrise I see
A future of hunger, a past of long remorse.
.
And yet at times I see the way you smile and
my soul finds security within your warm breath.
I find a way to shun away the bitter pain.
I watch my body quiver with your very touch.
.
I found a mind quite like my own and it makes
the pains seem far less tragic, more like magic things.
The way you move-- I find it soothes the evil of
my only stoney, lonely bones and disorder.
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140,566 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
ooooh
ooh
hehe that's about all I can say.
I honestly don't have much to nitpick about. Poetry is hard to review as it is all about the author's preference and, basically, he/she can do whatever they want.
I can say, though, that my favorite lines were definitely the first two of the first stanza.
Likin' the format pretty well.
In all honesty, the topic isn't very original...but hey, who said it had to be? One thing all humans relate to is love and emotion and pain. So if that's what you feel best to write about, cool.
I really hope this was straight from the soul and not so much trying to play with fancy words and sound like a pro poet...*ahem* I've been guilty of this.
I trust this is close to your heart. You have a capturing essence in the way you write, so whatever it is you do, keep it up.
~iron.n
Hey there! I haven't reviewed in a few months but I've chosen to attempt with yours haha. Let's get started.
So, I'm personally not in a good place right now and more than ever can I relate to this entire thing. Once I read the first line I immediately knew, and if you ever want to talk about it feel free to message me. The inner torment of being constantly reminded of this person and losing yourself within them can seem scary yet magical and just horrifying when it's over. With any disorder, especially depression, I can sometimes tell when I start to depend on another person to be happy and when they leave they take part of you with them. Wonderful work and I hope you keep writing!
~Purple
I'm not entirely sure what the message is that is trying to be conveyed, but despite that, I still like the idea. Iron flavored cherry-stripes? Is thay a euphemism for grey-pink stockings?
It sounds like a corrupted lover, much to my delight. A corrupted love, frought with pain, problems, and rage, deceit... Those are things that people like to read about. Well, I think that's what people like to read about.
Does this poem relate to a story? Thay would be fascinating. Haha. Maybe you could make one with relation to the poem? That'd be cool.
Then climax is fanatic, too, by the way. "my only Stoney, lonely bones and disorder" sounds really cool.
Haha. You're awesome! ^_^ good job!
Brings the feel of chaos among deep love and suffering, possibly hints of strife. I like it.