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Don't Tell Me

by Annapurna


Don’t tell me...
 
When a father sees a mistake before a daughter
 It is normal to have your tears tuck you into bed each night.
And if the sky is the only one looking at me,
Then the sun is my mother. 
Don’t tell me that depression is a teenage mutation,
That my house caught flames because the English heat lit the match.
Don’t tell me you’ve found the cure for cancer
Because for most of us it’s too late.
And if you ask for proof of a broken heart,
Check the bin you threw it in.
 Because between the homework
I stuck the corpses of my past together and called it home.
I used the plasters I saved for broken bones
To hold together the remains of my sanity.
Posters of bands who I claim help me
Are only there to hide the cracks on the walls
Which resemble my mind.
Sometimes I wonder that if I forgot about yesterday
Would it no longer exist?
But how can you forget the past
When the gaps in your life are marked with tomb stones?
And if tomorrow is cloaked in the fear they say,
Then do run or hide from the awakening day?
I see the kids with no reason skip around the cliff edge of existence,
As if life is better when you’re half dead.
But when that boy you like dumps you
But both parent’s arms are wide.
You have no right to even think of suicide!
As dumb as they are don’t you dare forget,
That those things in your shoulders are arms not baguettes!
So the next time you’re selfish and take out a knife,
Go make a sandwich and treasure your life.
Because school is the circus and we are merely the freak.
But do not ask me to tame the lion
If I am already inside its jaw.
As the caged tiger I refuse to perform.
So skin me for fur, then shoot me dead
But expect nothing more than the silence I answer with.
And I’m sorry teacher, that I don’t know the answers;
But how can I calculate the area of the wound in my heart
If the circumference continues to grow?
Give me my D in Maths
But I earned that A in Hope!
And if you ask me to add this one last sum:
That this Black Parade of lies plus the grave I drug for heart and home
Is added to the ashes of my content,
Then I'm sorry teacher.
 
But I don’t want to know... 


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58 Reviews


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Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:48 pm
misstoria wrote a review...



Wow! This is absolutely fantastic! There is so much emotion and intensity in this poem. I loved how real this piece is. Sometimes I love the timeless aspect of a poem, but in this piece I enjoyed the small references you made to modern day. When you mentioned band posters, at first I was a little thrown off by the line but the more I read on I liked how it gave an originality. You took this idea of anger and depression then you related it to today. The line about making a sandwich is sarcastic while being effective.
My favorite line by far is "Don't tell me depression is a teenage mutation..." This line is so true and relates very well into the overall idea.
One reviewer did not like the mention of suicide, which is understandable. My personal feelings on these lines are diffrent. I loved how you made your own stand on the topic.
Now, when I read through there are a few grammatical errors. I suggest you read through the piece and edit. Fix spelling, grammar, and rhythm issues. I decided not to pick out individual issue because every author has a diffrent idea on grammar. This is your piece, so use your own judgement. My only big critique is that the piece be broken into stanzas. It's very helpful to the reader if you divide the poem to allow for better flow. I'd also like to point out that you don't have to capitalize every line. It actually helps the reader if you treat every sentence like you would when writing a paragraph. Only capitalize the first letter of the first word of each sentence. This is just another tool to help the reader.
Other than my few nitpicks this was pretty amazing. I loved this poem, and would enjoy reading more of your works. Keep writing, Misstoria.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 7:34 pm
Hanorah wrote a review...



Hello Annapurna!!!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
I loved this poem, it was heartfelt and it said all the things people think about but never say, it was sad and beautiful at the same time <3 it was brilliant!!
My only constructive critism is to maybe try to break it up into stanzas?
Overall, nice work!!
~Keep writing!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:30 pm
Temi wrote a review...



I don't know why but when I read this piece it makes me smile. I find it cynical to some extent. The poem is both objective and subjective at the same time. Also, the way use your word is quite intelligent. It gives readers a specific description on your perspective of life.
Your voice is direct and to the point. To me, it seems like you have no interest in seducing the readers with your words. Your poem simply speaks your mind without looking for approval. I respect that.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:10 am
NightWalker wrote a review...



Hi Annapurna,have a good time!

First of all I generally like the originality of your piece of mind that you are talking about anything imposible to you that no one might try to hide it:

"Don’t tell me you’ve found the cure for cancer
Because for most of us it’s too late.
And if you ask for proof of a broken heart,
Check the bin you threw it in."

*"Don’t tell me...

When a father sees a mistake before a daughter
It is normal to have your tears tuck you into bed each night."(It such a beautiful opening to me)Hnestly,I'did it everytime i fight with my dad!

But anyway,the 3-4 lines does not really have any correlation between the sky and the sun.You shall add some more line here to make it work.This is just my idea;

'And if the sky is the only one looking at me,
the eye that the only one shines on my face*
Then the sun is my mother.

The same problem aslo happened in this lines:

"Don’t tell me that depression is a teenage mutation,
That my house caught flames because the English heat lit the match."(You may use a words that more poetic in this lines).

Anyway,you have such a good ideas(message) you want people to know about you.I love this stanzas much and I 'll happy to hit the like button there!

"Because school is the circus and we are merely the freak.
But do not ask me to tame the lion
If I am already inside its jaw.
As the caged tiger I refuse to perform.

Give me my D in Maths
But I earned that A in Hope!
And if you ask me to add this one last sum:
That this Black Parade of lies plus the grave I drug for heart and home
Is added to the ashes of my content,
Then I'm sorry teacher."

But still the last line make it rushed:

'But I don't want to know..'.I sure you can change it to make the ending more 'acceptable' to the reader.

Good job and please keep writing in YWS!I wish to see more masterpieces from you soon..




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:21 am
indieeloise wrote a review...



Hello, Anna! Noticed this in the green room - your mention of this being a spoken word poem caught my eye. :) Onto the review!

In my experience with reading and writing slam poetry on the page, I’ve found it helps if you insert line breaks where you, the poet, would normally pause or take a breath or stress certain words. If you have any dramatic pauses, or shift ideas or thoughts, those could form individual stanzas. Mechanics isn’t all that important for spoken word because it’s intended to be heard instead of read, but it still helps clear up some things for the reader. You also really don’t need to capitalize the first letter of every line unless you’re starting a new sentence. For instance, in my mind, I read the first 2 lines as so:

When a father sees a mistake
before a daughter, it is normal
to have your tears tuck you into bed
each night.


The 3rd and 4th lines about the sky, sun, and mother seem kind of vague and unnecessary. I think you could just eliminate them, and it would create a nice flow between the tears tucking the speaker into bed and teenaged depression in the next few lines.

my house caught flames because the English heat lit the match


Oh, gosh. Wowie wow wow (to quote Junie B. Jones). This is deep stuff, man. It took me a few minutes to get this, but gosh. Wow.

because for most of us, it’s too late.


There should be a comma in there where I’ve added one. Also, “because” is pretty unnecessary. It would hit a stronger point if you eliminated it and just started a new sentence or preceded the clause with a semicolon. I don’t really think these two lines really pertain to the theme, but maybe I’m missing something. Up to you if you keep it or throw it out.

Check the bin you threw it in
if you want proof of a broken
heart, because between the homework
I stuck the corpses of my past
together and called it home.


My suggestion for rewording the above lines. ^^

I used the plasters I saved
for broken bones to hold
together the remains


Oh, goodness, I love this. Though I would choose a different word than “sanity.”

Posters of bands ... resemble my mind.


Delete this. It takes away from the timelessness of the poem.

If I forget about yesterday,
will it no longer exist?


Suggested rewording of “sometimes I wonder ... no longer exist?”. ^^

marked with tombstones


Mmm. Good stuff. (Tombstones is one word.)

kids with no reason skip around ... existence

no right to even think of suicide!


I understand your point here, the sarcastic irony in the tone of the narrator, but they are kind of contradicting. I would suggest making it more clear in the first idea who it is that believes those “kids” that think “life is better when you’re half dead” have “no reason” to feel that way, to line up better with the second idea I quoted above.

From here ^^ on out, to about “treasure your life” part, you have a pretty consistent rhyme scheme, but it’s almost Dr. Seuss and not really spoken word-oriented. Not trying to tell you how and how not to write slam poetry, but I think since it’s spoken it would be beneficial to you if you played around with the rhymes a little more, maybe so you’re not so blatant about the rhyming and just let it kind of sneak up on the listeners. But I love the part about using the knife to make a sandwich. Humor is always a plus in slam poetry - something I lack in my writing - and it flows well and isn’t forced.

School is the circus, and I
am the freak, a caged tiger;
I refuse to perform. Skin me
for fur, shoot me dead but expect
nothing. Expect silence.


Obviously, this is my voice, not yours, but the above is just a suggestion about flow, with more cleverly placed rhyme schemes and rhythm. I would maybe putting the part about “taming the lion when you’re already in its jaw” somewhere else because it kind of sticks out where it is right now. But don’t eliminate it completely; it’s too good of a metaphor for that.

if the circumference continues to grow


AHHHH THIS IS GOOD STUFF

But I earned that ‘A’ in hope!


I would use something other than hope here. Maybe perseverance? Diligence? Fortitude? Courage? (maybe if you used courage, you could tie in the lion part, and bring in the cowardly lion from ‘Wizard of Oz’ and contrast against that metaphor -- just a thought).

~

Overall, I really liked this! It only had one review when I started out writing this but it’s gained quite a few since. Best of luck, keep writing, and let me know if you ever perform this!! I’ll be looking out for other work from you. :)

It’s been a pleasure,

Indie.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:46 am
dragonrider wrote a review...



Awesome poem...There isn't a whole lot to criticize. But I think that it would have been better if the poem was separated into separate stanzas so it'd be an easier read.
As for the poem itself, I liked the transitions between ideas/issues that lots of teenagers face. I could clearly feel what the narrator was feeling with each idea/issue that came up. I loved the way it was organized, and there was a good beat (wasn't all over the place).
Great text and subtext!

Keep on writing!
Dragonrider




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:34 am
ImHero wrote a review...



YA! For the longest time I felt this was real, and that I could feel the pain. You properly told the world how you felt and its what any inspiring writer should do. That was up to the point that you talked about suicide, it didn't really "feel" that you contemplated it and I don't feel like it helped convey emotion in your poem. At that point your words felt a little fake.

I'm not saying you haven't felt it but I take your poem as a character and that character didn't seem to want to kill themselves just hated life at the moment.

Anyways I would take the suicide out because it didn't feel like it belonged there.

Thanks,
4/6

Imhero:D




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:32 am
Rurouni wrote a review...



Ohh...

I felt anger in this poem...

I like how this goes back and forth, and I see this as something a lot of troubled teens should read...

This is very good, and I like this entire thing, it is very inspiring, and I may re-read because this is inspiring, and I can see a lot of people finding answers reading this..

I think the best thing is how it tells the reader the issues of the person in the poem (Not you I hope.) and how they put them in the mind of the reader, and how it sinks in so quickly..

I really like this, and I hope to see more like this, there are few that can have this impact, and this is one of them..

Team Fire Flower!

Thanks, I hope you do continue with poems like this, they can make a big impact.

pegasusgirl2




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:19 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Oh my god! This is great! You really hit on some original phrasings of grief and anger in this poem, and I am so happy to read them. I'll pick out some of my favorite lines:

Don’t tell me you’ve found the cure for cancer
Because for most of us it’s too late.


I love this. I love the honesty of a person not wanting to hear the good news because the time frame in which it could help has already expired. It makes me think of the people in the world for which this announcement WOULD be devastating, and I wonder what would happen in the heart of someone whose loved one had died the day before the cure was revealed. Just one more day. Was there anything they could have done? Fantastic evocation of emotion here!

Sometimes I wonder that if I forgot about yesterday
Would it no longer exist?
But how can you forget the past
When the gaps in your life are marked with tomb stones?


I love this part because it's very clear and true. I also love the imagery of rocks, because if there's one thing that's a little lacking in the poem, it's some vivid imagery to keep us tied in reality instead of floating out to see in abstract explorations of a frame of mind. But this passage is, again, wonderfully honest. The idea that if we forget about the past, how can we really keep track of it, and at some point wouldn't it cease to exist if no one remembered about it? We get to ponder on that fact, but you quickly turn us around and say there are marks everywhere that remind us. If you could think of a line or two to fit between the two halves of this train or thought, that'd give us more time to think about that and might be nice!

As the caged tiger I refuse to perform.
So skin me for fur, then shoot me dead


This is powerful. This not only gets us close to the mind of a vicious animal, but applies our own human feelings to the familiar situation of being caged. You also bring the powerful sadness of giving up in honor of your beliefs.

All in all, I love a lot of parts of this poem, and I love the idea of not wanting to know. I'm a teacher, so the address to the teacher was something great to think about. What I'd recommend, going forward, though, is trimming this down or maybe finding where you can break it into stanzas? This sounds like a spoken word piece, but stanzas would still make for easier reading online. It also needs to be trimmed down, because there's a lot of throat clearing where you're maybe not quite sure what your idea is yet. Stick to the strengths. Cut out everything that you think is even a little weak, because they just bring down the radiance of your strong points. And if you need to rebuild a little connective tissue, do it consciously and bravely.

PM me if you have any questions, please!
Good luck and keep writing!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:04 am
hockeyfan87 says...



This is so beautiful. I agreed with every word you said and it flowed so magnificently and elegantly that I just want to read it over and over again. This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read on this site, actually. Please keep writing because you have such amazing talent!





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