Hurt

Hello, hope my review helps. I loved your starting- it gives a very good opening for your poem. I love the way you have described the emotions. A lot of creative words you' ve used here - they' re awesome. My favourite lines:

" And even though I smile and smirk,
In my heart there’s fog and murk"

It sounds very nice and funky. Anyway, a brilliant poem and hope to read more of your work. Good luck with your poetic journeys.
- Anshira: Blue Team.

Willow C. here.
I apologize in advance for my personality.

Personally I think the title is a bit rubbish. (Sorry if this sounds like I'm writing in a British accent, I spent 7 hrs. Watching Elementary yesterday, and soon to be more today) (Back on track) I mean, "Hurt" you can do better. It's a short poem, so there really isn't much to work with, but perhaps "All I am is..." This grabs the audience by the ears and gets them reading. Really it was just the description that got me to sit down and read it. And I like it, but the title is a VERY important part of the piece, arguably the most important part aside form voice. You need to think outside the box. The only reason people listen is because something unexpected happens. (Sorry if this sounds like I'm paraphrasing "Victorious" from Nickelodeon, I am) Imagine this...

You are in a book store and there are three identically sized, identically fonted, identically written. The only difference is that one is named "The kitty cat that ran away and lived with a mouse." the second is called, "Kitty Cat McGregor" the third is named, "Over the Yellow Terace."

...More likely than not, you will think the first is self-explanatory, the second is a child's bedtime story that you've seen a gazillion times, but the third is intriguing.

The only other problem I had was the rhyming. RHYMING IS IDIOTIC! It is so easy to overdo, so easy to mess up, and so hard to do. To make good rhyming you have to keep it very percise, and to be honest it's not really worth it. Since the dawn of Suess people think that rhyming is nessessary for it to be a poem. It's not. A really meaningful and enjoyable poem can be written without it. It makes it easier to focus when it's not there. Trust me, I've written a lot of poems and no one ever complains about the lack of rhyming. They complain more about how I have no sense of purpose, no clear writer, etc. but never rhyming issues.

Sorry about my rant on rhyming, Hope this helps.
Willow OUT!

Yay! Another person my age Allow me to introduce myself. I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie. I follow anyone I review, so consider yourself followed! Today I am here reviewing for Team Fire Flower!

I believe ImHero has already nitpicked at what I wanted to nit pick at, so I will just stick with the positive! It has a great message to it. The rhyme scheme is basically all there, which is good. Oh! And remember, in this poem, you only need to capitalize the first letter of every sentence, instead of every line.

My favorite line is

"And even though I
Smile and smirk,
In my heart there’s
Fog and murk."

I like it because I can relate! It like society just drags us into an awkward stage where we drown, but no one notices.

Overall, you did a pretty good job, and with a few corrections, this will be great! Write more, and I will read more. Girl scout honor! *gives girl scout three finger salute* .. Hope that wasnt too dorky .. yeah I think I just totally embarrassed myself.. oh well!

~SecreteJournalist

This poem particularly moved me, because it's how I feel about myself. There was a particular time in my life where i was compared to a robot and that really hurt, because I did have feelings and just because I didn't proclaim them, didn't mean they were non-existent.
I think you've kept the poem short and sweet and therefore I didn't get bored. The grammar was great. The way in which you've written is really well done. And I'll be reading more of your work.
so well done,
IvyLeonora

So I will get very very nit picky with small poems such as this one; this is suppose to help you because small poems need to pretty much be perfect in their own way. I tend to discuss all the bad about every poem when reviewing and I skip most of the good parts, so this poem is very good but it will take alot to make it perfect. But I am here to help 'cause I am a Hero!

Here is my following nit-picks

"Even though it hurts
I do not speak,
Doesn't that mean
I am not weak?"

Okay, stop right there! How many double negatives is this? I am trying to figure out what you actually mean

In an ideal world where you can simply fix something but with poetry you might have to write it again:P


The rest of the flowing of the poem is disrupted by line breaks. It is bad practice *to me* to put a line break separating something that should flow.

This is funny, I might be on a Poe moment but I just cited this for someone else;
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,"

see how every time he parts with a idea it is separated by either a line break or punctuation? In this poem you separate it in middle of an idea. i.e.
"I choke down my
Sobs and tears,
Despite all the
Wretched sneers.

And even though I
Smile and smirk,
In my heart there’s
Fog and murk."

It would be better, *but not quite fit the poem*, to do this instead:

I choke down my sobs and tears,
Despite all the wretched sneers.
And even though I smile and smirk,
In my heart there’s fog and murk.

*by the way I quite like the 'fog and murk' part

And:

I act all polite and curt,
but all I am is hurt

*see doesn't quite fit but it is a dilemma that you would have to work on your own. I am not the writer just the reviewer:D

-end of structure review and on to content-

The content does have alot of emotion but not alot of why you are hurt and that is critical in any poem. See the main thing people like in poetry is being able to feel and be in your situation *just the same reason they like imagery*. Provided it is a small poem it leaves not alot of hope for the whys until it becomes bigger and that might be a problem with your goals but I believe this to be essential.


Anyways to put some numbers on the review.

Flow/Structure: 2/6
content:2/6
Emotion:6/6

Trust me, it is very hard to get a good review from me with the short poem philosophy, I need to see what makes every poem good!

Thanks! And feel free to ask me questions about anything regarding this review, or anything really

YWS ImHero

Hallo!

This is very well-written. You did a good job with the rhyme scheme, and making it seem natural instead of seeming forced.

A few suggestions:

Firstly, there are a few instances where the syllables don't line up exactly, and they throw off the rhythm of the poem.

For instance, the first stanza would be

Even though it hurts
I do not speak,
Doesn’t that mean
I am not weak?

I act all polite
And curt,
But all I am
Is hurt.

Hey Wonder,

I'm just going to whizz on by and dive right into this! Almost immediately upon reading it, there's a good sense of flow/rhyme. The A/B pattern was done pretty well - what I like about it most is that there was a sort of variety in the cadence and length of line, which made it move pretty smooth and seamless.

It is a bit ironic though, because even though it is a poem about hurt, all I want to say is that it is cute and light/a bit singsong- I think this comes from the crispness and shortness of the lines and the rhyme scheme. I have mixed feelings about the rhyme scheme in general, because, you did choose nice words to rhyme on: weak/speak both have that hard /k/ sound that also has an aggressive quality to it. Smirk/murk, have the same k, and the dirty /u/ consonant, which also brings a dark color to it.

Perhaps an area of improvement and something to work on if you ever wish to revise this piece is to expand more on imagery. It's one thing to talk about the hurt and the pain, and another thing to express and evoke that pain and hurt in the speaker. Metaphors are great for this!

Let me know if you ever wish to chat this one up! I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

I can see why, despite being really short, you still love it. As I do to.