Young Writers Society

Hey Wonder!

I suppose dawn is drab, but then again, twilight is also drab! However, there is sunrise, just as there is sunset, and sunrise can be startling beautiful. Not to be too nitpicky...

Anyway, I like this poem! It's really cute and the images are neat. I like the fact that clouds seem to roam around in herds and the sun is proud and whatnot. Also: the world is totally out of sync. Just saying!

I do think it's an odd expression to say that the sun wants to shout it out loud... I understand where you're going at, but this line seemed a bit odder than the other ones.

Also, the way you talk about the sun reminds me of people. People take forever to develop, then they have a pretty egotistical stage, and then they show off the beauty that they always inherently had, but never displayed before. Or, at least that's the metaphor that I am taking out of it.

Anyway, cute poem! I liked it.

P.S. Not looking at the acrobats of birds? PFFT!

This was a pretty good poem. I like how you come back to the phrase :
Past the clouds that gather in herds,
To the beautiful setting sun.

That's a cool idea that helps the poem. There were a few lines that I thought didn't rhyme very well.

To the setting sun, so beautiful,
An array of colors; orange, pink, purple.
The second line seems to drag on too long. Maybe cut out an array of colors, and shorten it to something else.

When the world is rid of slow morning,
The sun begins its journeying.
This time the first line is too long compared to the seconds one. Maybe you could take out the word slow, it helps speed it up.

Overall a very good poem.
Keep it up!

Great poem. Simple, yet very effective. You have put imagery to good use. The lines "Why is the dying sun so grand,
When more pressing matter are on hand?
Why is the dawn so drab and grey,
Though it signifies the start of day?" are my favorite. I can imagine myself staring at sunset after reading it. Very beautiful, indeed!

That was beautiful. :') I liked the format except that maybe instead of one giant stanza maybe make it a few little ones instead. Also the phrase "When more pressing matter are on hand?" I think it would sound better if it was "When more pressing matters are at hand?". Besides that it's probably the best poem i've read in awhile. Oh but the sunrise is as beautiful the sunset.

Hey, HT here to review.
I really enjoyed this particular piece of work. The rhyming pattern that you used (I have a thing for rhymes and rhyming patterns, everyone I've reviewed for should know this by now. If they don't, they're missing something) is really good.

I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but you used perfect rhymes for the first two lines, imperfect rhymes the third and fourth, and repeated that pattern throughout the piece. Not very many people choose to follow a rhyming pattern, because they find it easier to express themselves without word constrictions. (I am one of those people, although on occasion I do find it fun to challenge myself by using rhyme.)

I really didn't find anything wrong with this, but one thing I think would be good for you to, well, not change, more like add, is the word "and" towards the end of the fourth line. You know,
"Orange, pink, AND purple".

But that is really the only thing. Which is good, because some people I've reviewed for have many grammar mistakes and I hate to have to point those out. So I'm glad that you didn't have any!

Good job, and happy writing!
HT

Hi Infinity here to review! Your poem is very happy and bright, its creative and descriptive, well done on that, however I have some slight suggestions/criticisms to include.

"I stare up, ignoring the birds,"

Firstly, your opening line (and closing) sounds a bit awkward as you're ignoring birds which may be arguably one of the most beautiful in nature perhaps writing something like;

I stare up, overlooking the birds

So then birds aren't your focus but you're aware they're there.

"After the slow, slow morning,
The sun begins its journeying."

The repetition of slow is fine but I'd prefer you use a different word to describe how slow the morning was, a word that will add more emphasis to how slow the morning went.

The rest of your poem was very good, keep up the good work!


-Infinity x

Thank you, rbt00! I feel all warm and happy now. =^-^=

I Like The Way You've Described How A Sun Actually Sets.
Writing A Poem Really Requires A Talent And You Have Shown It In This Poem.
The Co lours you have described really sounds so realistic .
Keep Up The Good work.

Keep Going!