Writer's Note: This work is based on fiction and resemblence to any incident, person, or place is purely co -incidence. Contains strong language.
After returning from Asylum, Maria took her meal and made her way to her bed. She was completely exhausted at that time and hence it was not hard for her to fall asleep soon in the warmth and comfort of bed.
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Her eyes opened and she inhaled deeply.
"Ah, I should get ready faster. I mustn't get late today", thought Maria.
She turned her head towards the clock with laziness, that was kept on the table beside her bed. It was not morning time. The clock's hands were merged with each other. "Huh, 12 a.m. This clock! A few days ago I replaced the batteries with the new ones and now this crap has stopped working again", said Maria agitatedly.
She got up from the bed and went towards the balcony. As she stepped outside, she heard barking of the dogs. She got frightened a bit. Dogs do not bark in such a way in the morning time. Darkness and absence of the Sun from the sky proved that it was not morning. There was complete darkness everywhere. She shut off the door quickly and went inside. Her steps froze for a moment when she heard some kind of noise in her bedroom. However there were one or two cats in the house there was no possibility of their presence in the bedroom, at least at that time.
"What could be there!" Said Maria and started moving towards her bedroom. She trembled a little while revolving the knob on the door. She peeped inside the room. There was no one present in the room. In a few seconds she was on her bed again thinking "
what the heck is going on". She never woke up at midnight. She stared at the clock again. The hands of the clock were now animating.
"This is strange, completely strange!" Said Maria and pulled over the blanket.
As her hands moved towards the switch of the electric lamp she heard that sound again. It was as if someone knocking at the door. Now the sound of knocking increased. Maria's body started shivering. It was not due to cold but it was due to the FEAR. The speed of her breathing increased. After ten seconds of silence the door opened and a human body fell off on the floor. Blood spattered over the area where the body fell. She felt traumatized.
"Ssh! who...o are you?" Asked Maria in her trembling voice.
No reply came from the body.
Maria, at first, thought to remain where she was, but gathering her courage she pushed her blanket with her hands. The body shook for a few seconds and went dead again. Maria felt that her legs were not rising despite her full strength. It was as if someone had caught her and stopped her to move anymore. She felt the presence of an unknown force. The body moved a little and its head started rising up in order to look up. The face was looking like a corpse. There were not so many scars but the blood which was dark in color, was present all over the face. After few seconds, the body stood up very fast with the speed of current. It was unbelievable for Mary to see Philip in front of him. The body was of Philip but in a pathetic condition. The question that was arising in Mary's mind was how Philip could be there. Last time she saw him in the Asylum. She had also seen the tight security. No one could run away or breach the security from that Asylum.
"Philip! Are you Philip?" Exclaimed Mary with fear.
The voice confirmed that it was Philip only but the second questions stroke her head. "Why was Philip in such a condition (he was looking worse than a zombie)?"
"Sorry Mary, I came here in this condition at this time but believe me there was no way left", said Philip groaning many times while speaking.
"For God sake Phil, do not say that you were behind the murder case of those people." said Mary sitting on her bed.
"What should I say and what not I do not know ,my dear but it is true that I killed those people." Said Philip and started walking slowly randomly.
"How could y...you do this! No, you must be someone else. I am damn sure that you are a disguised person. My Phil is a kind hearted and sober person. He cannot take away the life of someone. I doubt this is a dream, I must pinch myself." said Mary and tried to move her hand but she felt that opposing pressure again.
"What do you want from me? All my jewelry is kept there, you can take away everything but please ... tell me where is my Phil" Mary started crying. "Oh Jesus please help me."
"Please do not cry Mary. I am your Philip dear. It's your Philip standing here, sweat heart. I came here with a hope that you'll help me hide myself from the pursuit of cops. There is no way left there. Cops are behind me and they can reach here anytime.
Wiping off her tears Mary asked,"But what on earth forced you to commit such a serious crime. Do you know you're a sinner?"
"Ha ha, Mary you can't be so silly. Listen, I killed them because they deserved to be killed. I am not a sinner in any way. I have cleaned some garbage from Earth. Do you know dear, they were those people who used to abuse me, you and this world? They always used to seduce innocent girls. They were my friends only but Just Friends."
"Do you mean you killed your friends just because they used to speak foul language and fulfilled their physical needs" exclaimed Mary furiously.
"Oh Shut up you witch. Don't support them. I do not want to be harsh with you but you're making me angry. What do you think? You're wise but in reality you're not less than a dumb lady. Okay I admit that I killed them but why you're blind to them. I doubt you had also slept with them at night when I was not here ..." shouted Philip standing at the corner.
"What! What did you say? "
"Are you a deaf? Am I looking like a tape recorder that'll play and entertain you again and again?"
"Philip ... I never expected such thing from you. How can you doubt your wife?"
"Shut up you bloody woman. I also never expected such thing from you. Never ever! I killed those bastards because they'd committed crimes and now I'll kill you for your disbelief and unworthy feeling of mine as a husband. You're not loyal to me." Said Philip and started moving slowly towards Mary, dragging his broken leg.
"No no no no... You'll not do that. You must be joking or you're mad. They're saying right. You've lost your mind. I never did any wrong behind your back. I swear Phil, believe me. I always loved you and will do ever. I am your wife damn it! Please keep that knife down and throw it away ", cried Mary loudly and tried to move her hands. That was strange but at that time she's able to move her hands.
"No I won't let this happen. I cannot tolerate it anymore." said Marry and took the sachet kept at the tabletop. "It's better to die by own instead of getting killed by a sinner, a murderer husband." said Mary and took in all sleeping pills at once. As she took the medicines the image of Philip disappeared. It seemed like a pre planned conspiracy to kill her. After some time Mary's mind stopped working. She slept on the lap of Death forever.
After some time she woke up in the middle of clouds. Yes, there were clouds all over there. It was looking like a different plane or a new dimension. There were no human figures and it was not her bedroom for sure. She started roaming here and there . After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly she saw some kind of light coming from Huge Sphere of Light .It was very pleasing. She thought she might be in heaven because she had never seen such beautiful place before. "What're you?" asked Mary.
"I AM GOD" replied back that source of energy.
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Opening
It would be much better to cut that little opening and instead spend a little more time setting the scene when she opens her eyes. when you first start a piece you need to grab the attention of the audiance, but when you separate the text into segments you cause a disruption- which is kind of like waiting until a fish bites onto a hook and then giving it a good shake and a chance to escape before you reel it in.
Language
So, you said that your first language is Hindi? Your English is really good. You've got a solid vocabulary and a pretty nice command of how things fit together. However it must be said that there is a bridge between conversational, formal and artistic language. I reckon you've got conversational and formal English down perfectly, but being able to discern between different styles of writing requires a bit more fluency and observation.
Don't worry, a lot of people don't really notice the finer details unless they're writers or frequent readers. It's something you'll get used to over time but I'd recommend immersing yourself in a variety of English texts just to get the hang of it.
For example, 'mustn't' is a very formal word, but 'crap' is about as informal as you can get.
He said she said
Said is a beautiful word. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise. It's an invisible word, see. Like 'the' and 'he' and 'at' it's a word we skim right over without acknowledging it. words like 'exclaimed' and 'shouted,' or extended dialogue tags, should be used only if you have to. Generally the dialogue should be able to speak for itself without you having to add little things on to explain it.
Capital letters
ARE UGLY!
No, really. Try to avoid capitalising letters at all cost. If you're refering to something that is not the general notion of what we think to be (like Fear, which I assume is not just general fear but something more specific) then put it in italics instead. It points out that there is something notable about this word without SCREAMING from the page.
Overall
Gripping plot! I'm really interested to know where this goes, and what 'the fear' actually is. Then there is the mystery of why she's in an asylum and if she's actually crazy or if it's something supernatural. Philip creeped me out a lot, but I assume that was the intention.
Your prose needs a bit of work, but that's something you'll master with practice. Overall I like it, so keep up the good work!
Heya! Sushi here to do another review:D
If you read this line carefully you shall see that it tends to run on with no pause. Maybe adding some commas in there would give the reader some time to breath if they're reading aloud. I am also curious what all the x's and dashes represent in the story. Is it a sign that she was asleep and has now woken up?No one really "gets late", they either are or aren't. This is funny grammar so I would fix that if I were you. Also since she is thinking this it should be in italics. Thoughts are treated differently than quotes so they don't get their own line.
If Maria didn't want to be in a hurry then why was she all lazy? Maybe another word would suit this better. We don't really need to know where the clock is placed, it's unnecessary information and can be inferred. This time the quote has no punctuation to end it, I would recommend and exclamation mark myself, but that is up to you. Also the ending to that, the word said doesn't really describe it all too well, and agitatedly is not a word. If you really want to use that word then a phrase like ",clearly agitated" might work, and yes, there would need to be a comma before it.
Starting with the red part, why is the first line needed at all? If they don't bark that way in the morning and it's not morning all this line does is confuse the reader what time it is. No longer on the red, no one can really shut off a door unless you shut it so hard that the door falls off, which is highly unlikely. The "however" throws me off a bit. However makes it sound as if everything is okay but then when you go on to say that they can't be there the "however" is rendered useless.
Again since this is a thought it should be in italics.
Animating is used the wrong way here, maybe animated? The suffix "ing" is normally used when something/one is in the process of doing something. Since these clock hands are already like this it should end with "ed".
I think that you forgot to put the "was" in there.
"Traumatized" isn't a feeling someone has, it's more of a state of being. Therefore she cannot feel traumatized, she either is or isn't.
I am wondering as to why she would bother asking a dead body a question unless she believes in people coming back to life. Normally a person would be freaked out that there was a dead body on top of them instead of asking it questions to see if it would respond.
I think still would be a better word instead of dead. Since the body was already dead and there was no mentioning of it coming back to life there is no way that it can become dead again. I shall break now to give you a chance to edit these little bits and look over what I have not yet read. I shall review back later once I review the rest of chapter 1. Keep up the good work, interesting plot if I say so myself
Sushi
Hi, I am SecreteJournalist, but you can call me Brie! Welcome to YWS.
I follow anyone I review, so consider yourself followed
I don't see any errors, do excuse me if I miss any! I like the concept in this story. Give us a little more description. In the last paragraph, I see that alot of periods are misplaced. For example:
There were no human figures and it was not her bedroom for sure. She started roaming here and there .
The period should be right after the word there like so : there.
Another mistake was:
After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly she saw some kind of light coming from Huge Sphere of Light .It was very pleasing.
The period should be right after the word light, and then a space between the period and the next sentence like so:
After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly she saw some kind of light coming from Huge Sphere of Light. It was very pleasing.
While I am on the subject of this sentence, I do not understand it. Do you mean a huge sphere of light? Why is it capitalize. And then describe how and WHY the sphere of light was pleasing.
Overall, this was a nice story, I would love to read more! If you write like this, then I will happily read more! Your great, keep writing .. PLEASE!!!!
I love the idea behind this story but I did notice a few problems and places that could described less and more. Your really good but you could change up the sentence structures a bit every once in a while. Like when Marry is up and looking out on the balcony and when she taking the pills.
"It's better to die by own instead of getting killed by a sinner, a murderer husband." this line needs to change some like: 'It's better to die by ones own hand and not by a murderous, sinful husband.' or something like that there are others but I wont be mean and point them out as well. I do hope you will continue to write this story for you have truly drawn me in and it has no intention of letting me go just yet.
wow, this is really, really good. I want the next chapter, pretty, pretty please?