“Mystery comes in all always”, grandmother had always told me every time I had gone to her, wanting to know the meaning of every other happening in the world. The advice always seemed misplaced to me for they never answered my questions. The words were starting to make sense now as I watched the girl talking to her friend. The girl, she was an epitome of mystery. The more I observed her the more I wanted to learn about her. Everyone who knew Alira knew she was different. Everything she did, everything she spoke would seem normal to someone who did not know her and no one knew her.
Alira was nodding at something the other girl was telling her about, the baffling touch of smile on her lips. It was like she was trying to capture the strangeness in the Mona Lisa’s smile on her own face. That light stretch of her mouth and that twinkle in the eye, it made you feel like she was either silently laughing at you or she knew a dark secret of yours she was trying to bite back from getting into the world. Either way it unsettled you, but then again no one noticed these little things about her. For instance, the way she walked down the school corridors like she knew she could easily own the place and people in it if she wanted to but she just wasn’t interested in it. Or the manner she greeted people, full of respect yet wordlessly letting the other person know she wasn’t the one to be played with. I know she sounds like an arrogant, even a dark person yet if you knew her she was none of that.
I didn’t know what the conversation between the two girls was about but I knew Alira had lost interest. Her eyes kept wandering to her seat at the end of the classroom. I understood immediately she wanted to get back to her notebook. The notebook she always carried with her, the one she was always found writing in. She was a writer, author of worlds she had created in her words. From the amount of time I had found her immersed in her book I knew she preferred the company of the characters she created. She never spoke about her writings though, let alone show it to anyone. But I was positive she wrote deep things. I had seen it in her eyes whenever she looked up from the book. Her eyes would seem so dense and dark, like they were lost in a different land far beyond our understanding. There would be no trace of her enigmatic smile or even that gleam in her eyes, her face would be a mask of calmness and a silence that vibrated through your soul.
I wanted to talk to her, wanted to learn about her, wanted to be let into her secrets. But that would not be done, me being her teacher. There was always a decent distance she kept her teachers at, putting them in their places. What chance will I have, in my desire to know everything about this mystery girl?
“Thank you, Mr.Sen”, she said as she passed by my desk to leave the classroom. She gave me a wide smile, the notebook clutched in her hand. I tried to read her face, wanting so badly to lift the veil off her eyes that hid everything about her.
“See you tomorrow Alira”, I nodded at her, failing in my attempt.
A week later I was walking through the deserted passageway, passing empty classrooms when I found her in one of them, absorbed in her notebook.
“Alira”, I called out to her, surprised to find her there. It was well after school time, “what are you doing here?”
She looked up, not at all startled at being caught.
“Mr.Sen”, she said, “I was just leaving.” Her hair was tied back as usual, letting no strand touch her face. She wore her strange smile, unnerving me. Then it hit me why she made me uncomfortable. Off all my students, I found it most difficult to speak to her. Her secret curve of her lips was a weapon too; she intimidated me, not necessarily knowingly.
I walked to her.
“What do you write, Alira?”, I asked.
She looked down at her book, “oh, nothing important.”
“Let me see it,” I said reaching to take the book. To my surprise, she let me.
Eagerly I opened the notebook, turning it to the page she had lately filled. It took me a while to comprehend the writing. They were filled with squiggles, line after line. It did not make any sense. Hastily, I turned to the previous pages wanting to find beautiful poems or profound stories but to my horror I was greeted with more squiggles, each drawn neatly. No, I wanted to say, this is meaningless.
“What is it?” I asked her, trying hard to compose my shocked expression.
“Untold stories,” she said simply.
“Untold stories,” I repeated. I tried to find a pattern in the scribbles and loops, maybe it was a secret language only she could understand.
“Is it a language?” I asked casually.
She seemed surprised at my question, “no! They are just squiggles.” I looked hard at her face, to see if she was lying. She wasn’t.
“They don’t make sense,” I said, nodding at the book.
Alira just shrugged, “untold stories,” she said, like that explained everything.
Politely she took the book from my hands. “I better get going, Mr.Sen”, she said getting up to leave. I watched in astonishment as she walked out of the room.
Mystery comes in all ways.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hohoho, I'm here to do the two reviews you deserve back in the Christmas in July event!
Haha, but sorry for reviewing an older piece; prose is my specialty, and this is your most recent work.
I really like this piece, though. It left me with a hanging thought, and I was really craving more. I liked the thought of "untold stories," and you displayed it very nicely! Your style and tone is writing is wonderful, too. Here are some of my favorite parts:
Lovely quote!
I liked the way you listed them out; it really does strengthen the tone.
Something that bothered me was how the piece directed "you" into the story, though:
It's not really "me" though, is it? Don't worry, a lot of people do this--even me! To work your way around this, replace "you" with "one." Sometimes that doesn't fully work, though. Try wrapping the text around different way; I'm sure you could do it!
Now, about the quotations. I liked the beginning as it served as a firm hook (kudos to you!), but the placement is a bit off.
Right now, it's:
When it should be:
The best way to explain the rules of quotations is to set examples.
"I like to eat cheese," she said. <== Correct!
"I like to eat cheese", she said. <== Bzzt! Inocorrect.
"I like to eat cheese." She said. <== Double Bzzt! Nope.
"I like to eat cheese," she said, "because it's yummy." <== Annnd correct!
"I like to eat cheese," she said. "It's yummy." <== Fabulously also correct.
(Eek--sorry if you know this already!)
Overall, though, this piece was lovely to read. It adds a mysterious touch, and it sure does leave me pondering. (Arrgh, I swear I review better than this. I'm just really tired. xD;)
Keep writing!
~Carina
Thanks a lot for the review Carina!:)
I love strange girls. This story intrigued me from the beginning to the end. I would love the read a part two to this if possible? Hopefully? Apart from a few structural issues I loved this story greatly!
Very nice writing. I love mysteries, but I have a very difficult time writing them. I really think you should expand on this story, or write more related to it. You definitely have your own style or writing and I really enjoy it! Also, I think you were really great at describing what was happening. When writing a mystery, there is a lot going on, so because you were able to describe things so well: props to you! I think you did a really good job. Good luck to you and your writing.
Hi there!
barefootrunner here to review your piece!
Firstly, grammar nitpicks:
Your grammar was really good, but here are a few flaws:
'Everything she did, everything she spoke would seem normal to someone who did not know her and no one knew her.'
Why would everything she did seem normal to everyone (since no-one knows her), and yet everyone knows she is weird? Maybe rephrase it to kick out misinterpretations.
'There was always a decent distance she kept her teachers at, putting them in their places.'
Okay, not good to place a preposition at the end. Make it, 'There was always a decent distance at which she kept her teachers'.
What chance will I have, in my desire to know everything about this mystery girl?
Tense error. What chance /would/ I have. You can also drop the comma, as it does not add significantly to the sentence.
“Thank you, Mr.Sen”,
Mr does not take a full stop and there is a space lacking between Mr and Sen. You also need to put that comma before the quotation marks, not behind them, for good direct speech.
A week later I was walking through the deserted passageway, passing empty classrooms when I found her in one of them, absorbed in her notebook.
Nothing wrong with this sentence in itself, except perhaps that the clause 'passing empty classrooms' should be enclosed in commas, so one at the back too, please. You do, however, need to press enter twice before this line to show the passage of time in your paragraphing.
Off all my students, I found it most difficult to speak to her.
Off should be of.
She looked down at her book, “oh, nothing important.”
Okay, this piece of direct speech needs work. It should run: She looked down at her book. "Oh, nothing important." The first part of line isn't actually connected to the speech itself, since it does not run 'said' or anything similar. So separate it with a full stop.
“Let me see it,” I said reaching to take the book.
Comma between said and reaching.
She seemed surprised at my question, “no! They are just squiggles.”
Again, full stop, start the direct speech with a capital.
“Mystery comes in all always”, grandmother had always told me every time I had gone to her, wanting to know the meaning of every other happening in the world.
If you are using 'grandmother' straight, you should capitalise it, since it is used as a title. Otherwise, use 'my grandmother' to avoid the capitalisation.
Other:
Your character first explained about the advice of his grandmother. Then he is thrown into a school setting. No problem, but I had difficulty believing that he was not a young boy, especially in his desire to get to know the girl, watching her from a distance, and his personal voice, which is not very mature. You could, at the start of the story, make him think something like, 'The words were starting to make sense to me now, as a teacher at Thornton High.'
That would really place him in the readers' minds. You also don't imbibe him with much personality. Make him drink strong coffee. Make him throw kids' paper airplanes after class. Give him some humanity and oddity.
So that is all advice I have for you! Very well done!
Here to review!
My name is Aquestioning and I will be reviewing this short story for you today for Review Day. Exciting, isn't it? Well, I should get this show on the road, shouldn't I. Without further ado, let me start this review!
First off, I'm guessing that you're not American? If not, that's fine, it's just that the English grammar changes a little bit throughout the world. there are some grammar mistakes here, but if you're not American, then most of them are fine.
So, grandmother here should be capitalized, because you are saying that as a name, and not a status in the family, if that makes sense?
Well there's not much to say to this story according to grammar.
The storyline was executed flawlessly, I must say. This is great. I love it, love it, love it. There is one vague, nit-picky thing that I supposed could have been done better. The transitions between the times were short and sudden, confusing me and probably other people for a minute there. If you could smooth that out more, it would be great!
I hope this helped you, if even a small bit.
Aquestioning
Yup, I see what you mean about Grandmother! Thank you for the review!
And I'm not American
I must say i really quite liked it, it was full of suspense and made me want to read more but unfortunately there was no more. I would of liked to know more about that Mr. Sen, because its not just the girl who seems intriguing its also Mr sen. I think it is very well written, and kept me excited also a little in suspense to find out more. Overall i really liked it well done!
Very interesting -- I liked it.