Elixir

Heeey, manisha! I'm back for another review~
(Again, sorry for reviewing older works! I just picked the two most recent shorts.)

I loved how you portrayed the message behind this; a leaf falls and is forever forgotten, but that doesn't mean it's the end of its life. It's there for fertilizer, there to make things stronger as tiny bits of memories. People pile them, jump in them, laugh in them, bask the beauty in them as autumn paints their colors. But it is just a mere tiny little old leaf, and it has to accept its demise.

Though surely if it's meant to fall, it should do something worth doing in its life, right? It should take in the sunlight, make the tree healthier, shine bright as a healthy little leaf.

I'm sure this is all a metaphor about humans, correct? In the end, we all fall, and because of that, we should make our lives worth living. This is a beautiful concept, and I thank you for writing this to leave me thinking about it.

Now, on to some munchy criticism! (As you can see, I'm more awake now so my reviews won't be as lame, ehehe!)

Details. Details is a must, and for a piece this short, it's an absolute necessity. This piece portrays three nicely written paragraphs about the concept, but I'm sure it can definitely be more. Make this story pulse and come alive for the reader, and wrap a branch around the reader's ankle to pull them into the thick jungle of this story. Surely the wind is crying and prickling at the narrator's skin, the hot sun beating down on their face, the rest of the dead leaves blowing around the air like ghosts in the dead night. Metaphors are good; you did, after all, revolve this story around it! Add a dab of personification and similes, and this story will light right up. (I know, I know, it's almost like I'm doing poetry talk here, but this piece kind of has some poetic qualities, hm?)

Remember the five senses: sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste. If you remember these and incorporate details with some of these senses, everything will suddenly become much more vivid and real!

So slow down a bit, take a deep breath, and write every little detail around the narrator. Build up to the climax of the story, and leave your readers gaping at your fabulousness! Okaaay, Manisha?

Haha, but overall, I really liked this, and your style is refreshing! If you have any other works, head over to my wall and feel free to send me a message. I'll gladly look it over and review.

Keep writing!

~Carina

*Leaf falls from tree*
*Character experiences profound existential epiphany*

Haha, well I did enjoy this piece. I think it was great for its length; there really was little you could have expanded on without taking away from the meaning. I felt that your character was anonymous enough that a wider range of readers would appreciate and relate to the message (whether it be a widow, or anyone who lost a loved one or significant other).

The only thing that concerns me here is the believability of it. You character starts off feeling bitterness and anguish towards her family and the entire world. But when a leaf falls from a tree, she suddenly becomes optimistic and hopeful. I think this relates to PatriciaTina's point - you managed to convey the message effectively with such a short story, but you seemed to wrap up things too quickly at the end. Showing rather than telling is important, but I know it wouldn't be very easy to do with this scene. I mean, there's not much to describe really other than the leaf falling and what the character is thinking, right.

What I would suggest is incorporating another plot device in your story to help the character come to their realization. This plot device could be, for example, another character that engages in a conversation with your MC that helps her see the futility of her despair. Maybe the tree is special to the main character, ie. maybe on her first date with her husband, he carved their initials into the tree. And then maybe when she visits this tree, in her bitterness, she experiences a vision or apparition of her deceased husband, which she communicates with, helping her change her mindset. I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here.

Other than that, it was pretty decent for its short length, thanks for the enjoyable read.


~a2sd

Hey there! My first impression of this was that it is quite short, and that is always a hard thing to work with. Getting your meaning across in so few words is difficult, but it seems like you handle it pretty well in this.

Ephemeral covered most of what I would say, except for one small thing. (Though I will repeat the point about starting your sentences all with "I". It's an important skill to never do this because it is a sure way to lose a reader's attention.)

But anyways, what I want to just mention quickly is this last paragraph here:

I let the leaf fall back to the ground. Soon it would rot and get lost in earth; never to be found again. But it was the same leaf which will make the soil richer, the tree taller, life better. I bent to pick the leaf again. The leaf is amazing. I am amazing. I, alive, breathing, can do much more than a dead leaf. Its time I woke up, to break free the prison built around me. I would build my world where life would have a purpose. I held the leaf closer to me. It would be my greatest treasure, my elixir.

Very nice! I love the metaphor with the leaf! C:

I have just a few little nitpicky critiques.

First off, you tend to use "I" as a sentence starter -a lot. It would help the flow of the piece if you were to change it up a bit. I used to have this very problem, and I can say from experience; it isn't hard to fix. All you really have to do is take the second or so word and add an 'ing' to the end, and then, maybe connect the next sentence, if it doesn't make sense. For example:
1. I watched as the car sped by, spraying the sidewalk with water. I wondered what worked the driver into such a rush.
2. Watching the car speed by, spraying the sidewalk with water, I wondered what had worked the driver into such a rush.
It's pretty easy, and I find it really helps with the flow of the story. Imagine reading a novel where every sentence started with "I". D:

There are also a few grammatical and structural errors(for lack of a better word), all of which are pretty straight-forward and easy to fix.
For starters, I noticed that you had quite a few simple sentences in your piece. Whilst sentence variety is great(who wants to read something made entirely of commas), an abundance of simple sentences can make your writing sound choppy.
For example, your first three sentences are simple.
"The leaf fluttered aimlessly in the slight breeze. I watched it twirl and turn in the air. I caught it before it could meet the earth."
If that were condensed a bit, I think it might help make the writing flow a bit better. Perhaps something along the lines of:
"The leaf fluttered aimlessly in the slight breeze, and I watched it twirl and turn in the air. Reaching out, I caught it before it could meet the earth."
Just a suggestion, of course. You are not at all obliged to listen to it. It is, after all, your writing. C:
Some of your sentences could also be joined by a semi-colon, and some semi-colons possibly inserted where they have been neglected. To take another example out of your writing:
"I would build my world where life would have a purpose." or "I would build my world; where life would have a purpose." I find the latter flows a bit better -but, again, it is your choice.

There are also a few spelling errors, but nothing major. Just a slip of the fingers on the keyboard, an "ed" placed distractedly, or a word forgotten in the excitement of writing. Nothing a good re-reading wouldn't fix.

So, I'm going to finish this up before it gets too long-winded. I have a tendancy to drone on for hours when it comes to grammar and the like.
I must say, I really enjoyed your story. It was very well done, and I applaud you on that. C:
(I'm not the best of review writers; I don't have much practice. If this isn't helpful at all -feel free to ignore it. c: )