Genie

by manisha

Published July 26, 2013

E - Everyone

In Shorts

“I want a story,” he said, looking at me with eyes too huge for his face.

“Which one?,” I ask as I tuck him into bed.

“The one with the genie!” he says. I climb into bed and curl up next to him.

“You promise to go to sleep after that?” He nods his head, holding out his little finger, “pinky promise”. I laugh, hooking my finger with his. The dark room is momentarily lighted by a bright beam passing over the house. I knew they belonged to copters patrolling the sky. Getting out of bed I drew the blinds over the window and got back to him. “We are safe for tonight”, mama had said before she had sent me to put Ali to sleep.

“Didi?” Ali says, waiting for me to begin.

“A really long time ago there was a poor boy called Munna,” I started.

“No, baba always said there was a boy called Ali,” he interrupts.

“Alright,” I said, “There was a boy called Ali. He had the kindest heart and everyone loved him a lot. Once a old king was visiting his village in disguise-“

“Baba said he was wearing a beard which reached up to his knee,” Ali says.

“Yes, that and torn cloths so that he could fit in,” Ali pulled up the quilt closer to his face, smiling in glee. He knew we were getting close to the genie.

“The king took of his shawl he was wearing, gave it to his minster and sat under an old tree. It was a cold day in the village and the king was shivering. He wanted to test the villagers, see who would come to his aid. He sat there for an hour, chilled to his bone. Then a boy came up to him. The king saw that the boy looked very poor.”

“Ali!” Ali exclaimed. I grinned at him.

“Yes, he was Ali. Ali saw the man shivering so he took off the shawl covering him and gave it to the old man. “Take it sir,” he said, “you might fall sick””

“The king was surprised. The boy was wearing nothing but a thin shirt and pants. And yet, he was offering him his shawl! The king was so moved by the act that he gifted Ali with a lamp.”

“He told him, “When you rub this lamp a genie will appear. He will grant you any wish you want.” Ali lived happily after that.”

“Baba said if I was a kind boy too then the genie will grant me a wish.”

“Yes. Now, it is late. Go to sleep.”

With his fingers locked in mine, Ali soon fell asleep. I stayed there with him feeling the calm I felt whenever I was with Ali. I almost drifted off when I heard the unmistakable whistle.My eyes flung open, my body registering the terror even before my mind could. Before I could reach out to Ali the ground shook with tremendous force. I felt myself being jolted violently. The cot gave away below me, throwing me out. There was a loud roar and then I found myself trapped in rubble, a table over my head. Something hot was trickling down my face. I spit something hard out of my mouth. The whistling, it belonged to a missile. A sound that haunted families everywhere.

“Ali!” I screamed. No reply. Trying to suppress panic, I struggled to budge the debris.

“Ali!” I yelled again. Tears sprang to my eyes, threatening to take over.

“Didi?” a muffled voice called out.

“Ali!” I crawled to the source of the voice.

“It hurts didi,” the voice said.

“I’m right here,” I said still not finding him. I let my hands feel the surrounding. Sharp things cut me as I tried to move in the dark but it didn’t matter. I had to find my brother!

“Didi?”this time the voice was frantic.

“Do you remember the story of the genie?” I say, trying to calm him.

“Yes.”

“Keep thinking of it. I’ll find you!”

“it is alright didi.” he said,”I wished for it to be alright. I asked the genie to never make this happen."

I stopped my search and collapsed, the tears finally taking over.

“Yes,” I whispered. It was so silent here, in this place of my captive. It almost felt like everything was okay. Almost.

We are safe for tonight,” I said. Then the house tilted, mother earth taking us into her open arms.

Comments & reviews · 3
sylviaelioness wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2013

This is a great story. There are a number of minor grammatical mistakes, but nothing too major.
The plot is suspenseful, the characters are very realistic, the description is great... the only thing I would suggest is that you explain exactly why they get attacked. Why are they hiding? What have they done? etc. You give such a well-written story, but the attack comes as a surprise and leaves us wondering why in the world they got attacked in the first place...

Great story, anyway...
Sylvia.

User avatar
KingKamor
Review
KingKamor wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2013

Hello! I'm here to read and review your short story.

Unlike Questio, however, I believe grammar is ever-important no matter how good your writing is, so I'll start with that.

"... mama had said before she had sent me to put Ali to sleep."
This sentence is quite crowded. If you take out the "had"s then it could read better.

"Once a old king..."
Unless this is the character being grammatically incorrect, it should be "an old king..."

"The king took of his shawl..."
Took "off" his shawl?

When it comes to dialogue within dialogue, use 'this' instead of "this" to differentiate between the two.

"... the unmistakable whistle.My eyes flung open..."
Put a space at the beginning of the second sentence.

"... trapped in rubbles..."
The word "rubble" is always the plural of itself, since it refers to many things at a time already, so there is no need for the "s."

When the same character speaks twice, you don't need to create a second paragraph, like when Didi calls for Ali twice. Only one paragraph is needed since the dialogue doesn't change to another character until Ali speaks. Unless, of course, this is a stylistic choice.

"'it is alright didi', he said,'I wished..."
Should be like so with the proper punctuation and spacing: "It is alright Didi," he said. "I wished..."

"'Yes', I whispered."
The comma goes inside the quotation marks.

As for the piece as a whole, I did like it. The bedtime story with the genie was a nice string of thought to follow through to the end. The last lines were very sudden and had good impact, too. Although, maybe a little more description of the setting before and after it's destroyed would leave a larger impact.

I hope this review was helpful.

Keep up the good work!

User avatar
Questio
Review
Questio wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2013

Wow. I am going to ignore the grammatical and punctuation errors in favor of this was really really good. Fantastic. It took me a moment to realize the setting, but the story the dad told flowed flawlessly into the story YOU told. Well done.
Just one quick nit-pick fix: When a character is saying something that someone else said, you put apostrophes in what they are quoting, not quotaion marks. Like this: “He told him, 'When you rub this lamp a genie will appear. He will grant you any wish you want.' Ali lived happily after that.”
Also, when a character says something in more than one paragraph, you don't need to end the first paragraph with quotaion marks. You just end it and put quotaion marks around the next paragraph.
Once again, loved it. Great story.
~Questio~



Everything is a lot of things!
— Hank Green