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Young Writers Society


12+

Do You Remember? (Chapter 2.5)

by SushiSashimi333


Her head throbbed, a dull thump reverberating within Aria's skull. Where was she again? The last thing she could remember was the Council meeting, nothing more. She tried to focus, but the pain only increased. She could hear a voice calling her name, nothing else seemed to make much sense.

"Derin, did I fall off my cot again?” Her voice was barely a whisper, the weakness in it surprising. “My head is falling.” No, that wasn't what she had meant to say, she was just about to correct her mistake when the pain intensified.

Something wet and warm fell on her face; the salt burning her vellum-like skin. “Why're you crying, did something happen?” The memories rushed back almost immediately, blankly staring eyes, warmth of freshly spilled blood, and breath that would make your nose rot. Her nose wrinkled just recalling the smell.

"Aria, look at me, do you know who I am?” Stress lines seemed to age his face, sweat beaded on his brow. Aria raised the corner of her mouth, a chuckle forming in her eyes.

"What do you mean can do I know you? Do I look like I lost both of my eyes or had my brain blown out?” Her smart alec reply formed a smile on Derin’s face, she would definitely be okay.

"It is my professional opinion that you will be okay. The real question is whether you can run.” His hand reached to her strong but shaking. So it wasn't just her, he was scared too. Aria was about to accept his offer of assistance when a fit of coughs overwhelmed her. “Aria! Aria, what’s wrong?!” Soon the coughing turned to hacking, and then the blood came.

Her blood was not red like most humans’, instead it was a sickly grey, dyed by the Gardilla poison. Where the blood landed the floor began to steam and sizzle. That was one side effect of the contagion, when oxygenated the blood turned acidic and could burn through even the thickest of Nark skin. His hand shook and his fingers stumbled over the strings that held the bag shut. The medicine was slimy and pink, the consistency of pudding. Derin wrinkled his nose, just seeing the stuff made him want to puke.

He put a little of the gel on his finger, careful not to get too much he smoothed it under her nose. The sheer stink of it would fight off the poison, for now. Seconds after he had smeared the goo under her nose her coughing calmed and color came to her cheeks.

"You got the medicine, when?” The blood from her mouth was starting to come out chunkier and clotted, good, the blood flow was slowing.

"I took a slight detour with the rest of our clan,” his voice wavered. “I snagged it then." More tears fell, coming to a violent halt on the marble floor. “Come on, we need to go before anyone finds us.” Gently he helped her to her feet and they ran.

Hall after winding hall, statue after broken statue, and body after lifeless body. Everything looked the same, where they were going was unknown, just as long as they got out of there. If they could just sneak in with the rest of the clans and remain unnoticed then everything would go according to plan. As they ran Aria’s legs shook, the sighting of the Gardilla beast had shaken her, the effect was evident.

Outside a group had gathered, hidden but still there all the same. Leading the group was Mira, the girl from the Council meeting before.

"You two! What did you think you were doing?” Her voice was strong and dauntless, not a single hint of doubt. All Derin could do was gawk, this was so not what he had planned, they were supposed to meet in five minutes, what was everyone doing here?

"I’m sorry Mira, it was all my fault. If I had listened to what Derin told me then nothing would have gone wrong. I will accept any punishment that you see fit.”

"I am sorry to say that punishment will not be enough Aria. By the end of this morning you and your brother are to have all possessions you wish to keep packed and ready to leave. You are not to make any contact with other clan members, if you do you shall be hunted and arrested as if you were a criminal.” Aria couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Was Mira really exiling them over something so little?

"Whoa, Mira. Don’t you think that you should think things through before you make a stupid mistake?”His voice was rising now. “Is it really within your rights to banish another Council member?” Mira remained expressionless, she was as cold as ever.

"Choose your words carefully insolent fool,” Aria had never heard Mira like this before, “I have just become a Council Elite, you have no right to speak to me in that manner.” Council Elite, when had the election taken place? Why had they not been informed, they were part of the Council, weren’t they? “Go pack up your things!” What choice did they have? They had no authority when it came to the Council Elite. Aria’s mind seemed even fuzzier than when she had just been knocked out.

The rest was really a giant blur to them, questions whirled around in their already bruised skulls. Why was any of this happening? Wasn’t Mira their friend, or was she just pulling their legs? It took Aria all of her concentration to keep the tears from falling. Everything was falling apart, their happiness, her’s and Derin’s, everything that they had worked for. What were they to do now?


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Tue Sep 10, 2013 11:48 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



This was just another great chapter, Sushi! The Gardilla are pretty creepy, and a perfect fit for the story. I feel bad for Aria and Derin, and feel AAAAARGH!!! at Mira. I hate her attitude. I'm still not really sure about the title, but I'm sure it'll be explained in time.
I'm not really sure of the setting though. It seemed like none of the battle happened. And all you said was hall after hall, statue after statue, and so on. I rally don't know what's happening. I do understand that Aria wouldn't know where she is either, but I feel that that takes away some of the quality of the chapter.






Yeah, I will take into consideration your review once I decide to start this up again. At first I was just gonna drop this but some people really liked it so I might restart this later.



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Tue May 14, 2013 4:01 am
tgirly wrote a review...



In hindsight, all your chapters so far have had really good description except for chapter one which was kind of skimpy on the description front, so if I were you I'd go back and bulk that up a bit maybe. Not all the dialogue makes sense: "Aria, look at me. Do you know where I am?" "What do you mean can I see you?"
I love the description of the blood, that's fascinating. I wish the setting was made clearer sooner; are they still in the room where he fought the garbilla beast? If so, where are his other teammates, or were they all killed? Whose mansion was it?
Besides that, it's a beautiful chapter. Your writing's at a really fast pace, and I'm worried you won't have enoguh events to make a full-sized book from it, but so far I enjoy the fast pace.






I shall definitely work on clearing things up, I think I might take a plot writing break and start on editing now. Your points are very valid, never really noticed. Thanks, this makes editing a ton easier!



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Wed May 08, 2013 10:20 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Outside a group had gathered, hidden but still there all the same.
So when you have things like all the same tacked on to the end of sentences, it chops up the content. In order to get the most content per word, taking these out is really the best option. If you do find you write things like that, or other prepositional phrases (of the room, in the wall, etc.), taking them out can really smooth out the writing. The original sentence should be able to stand on it's own without any added information dangling at the end. Also taking off this dangly stuff can help clear up what you mean in a sentence. For example, take: I saw a girl with a telescope in the park. Either I could have a telescope and see the girl in the park through it, or the girl could have a telescope in a park. If we take off the prepositional phrases, I saw a girl, we can expand with another sentence. She held a 2,000$ telescope as she walked through the park. I still have prepositional phrases, through the park, but they are being useful and precise.

Aside from that, I'd still like more setting description than you're giving me. What does their planet look like? I know it is war torn, but where are they? Are there barricades and stuff like that or is it just random settings? Try to really draw the reader through the setting.




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Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:25 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Gosh, I really loved this chapter. To be more specific I love this entire novel. Every time I think everything is good, something bad happens. There's always a twist or turn in there somewhere that takes the story to a new height. Lots of action.

This character you've made out of Mira is wonderful. She's tough and has literally pledged herself to her title. Look at how fast she turns on Derin and Aria, calling them "insolent fools" (I loved that line by the way). She's definitely one to look out for in the future.

I really, truly can't wait to read more of this. The fact that you've just established Derin and Aria in this society they live in and now you're banishing them is awesome. Not in a mean way of course, just in an advancing the plot kind of way. I'm really excited to see what the outside world looks like around them.

One thing I do want to say is that I don't know much about where this takes place. I'd like to see more description of their world. Is it like Earth? Is it Earth? Where are they now; in a building or maybe on the ground in an alley somewhere? Give me a little more detail about the setting and I will be happy :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Yeah, I myself have no real idea where they are, I guess I should fix that. I just know that anything is possible there, anything at all really. I hope to clarify what their world is like in the next chapter, glad you like it!




And you have to flaunt the weird, my friends.
— Alex Fierro