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16+ Violence

Deaths Angel

by ka67

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

His eyes had captured me from the start, so blue and light they seemed like some man-made jewel
His body was smooth, built like a god's and completely unblemished
His face had strong structure that matched his hair that was as light as the sun with the same eminating glow
He seemed so angelic,yet,really he was a demon in disguise
I was not sure how I'd ended up in such a situation where he could smirk and show me how evil he really was
I just knew I wasn't ever going to see daylight again
The darkness of the warhouse had incapacitated me, and yet I had felt safe up until the moment I felt something brush my back, something cold,hard, and strong as steel
Had I realized they were his hands I would've fought harder but I felt my entire body tense as I spun towards him
He rammed his hands up into my torso, cold as ice and strong as any knife as it tore my organs to shreds

He yanked them out,looking at the way the blood slipped down his fingers while I looked down at the bloody hole in my shirt and skin
I fell down to my knees,placing my hands against the numb spot as I felt my organs eager to spill out on the cold concrete and drip the blood and acids that kept me alive
However, inside I could feel the acids from my stomach dripping down, eating away at what was left inside of my body that was not already pressing against my fingers
I looked up at him as he yanked a knife of a metal that glistened like silver in what little light there was shining through cracks in the ceiling and windows scattered around the building
I was so desperate to live at the moment I realized I was going to fall into the hands of the mistress Death, in her terrible glory with her dark angels preparing her victims
Opening my mouth to scream, I then felt a white hot pain rip through my throat as he rammed the knife into my neck and yanked it out with enough force to rock me forward then hit me onto my back as I stared to the side, my eyes filling with tears as I felt everything turn agony, seeping through my body like my blood pooled around me and stained my clothes scarlet
I did not pay attention to the sound of his footsteps echoing off into the distances till they was no more evidence he had ever been there
My life was slipping through my fingers as I stared at the moonlight, my vision going black as my heart, the only untouched organ, beat the pain through my veins like a venom that made my body scream in terror at no longer being able to breath without an animal named despair planted itself underneath my ribs and pulsed in time with the poison slipping its way all through out my body

My death was slow, and of course I have no idea how long I lay there till I was found or if I was, and yet through all this, I could not understand exactly why it had to be me to fall to the bloody fingers of a dark angel in disguise of a boy who seemed to be only good,only beautiful
Death is not understandable

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:17 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Ah! So. I am exceedingly glad that you do not steer away from gory details. In this plot, they are necessary to make the scene feel real. That said, I think you could do with a little research. Or at least display your research in a more concrete manner, 'cause I don't know exactly how someone with stomach acid eating them away, organs ripped out through their stomach, AND their throat cut (so many open wounds letting out the blood from their body) would die a slow death.

I would also like to know more about this situation. Setting it in reason and reality makes it feel more real, even though we all know it's fiction. At the end it seems like it's a little boy that does this killing? How would a little boy know to cut open someone's stomach for their organs or later cut their throat? What would have taught him about this? Was he really a demon? Is that what you want to put in this story? Or is it realistic? Anyway, what was the motivation? All we have in this text is the death enacted, no reason, no commentary. You say "death is not understandable" at the end, but like... if you're trying to make it seem like we really, genuinely can't understand it because it was so random, you have to start with normal, the boring every-day life of this woman/man, and then get them into the suddenly random death situation. That way we see the contrast and get the conflict of situations.

Hopefully this was helpful to you.
Good luck and keep writing, and let me know through PM if you have any questions or comments about my review~

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Points: 632
Reviews: 1

Sat Mar 09, 2013 1:29 pm
hudakp says...

Right it is not poetry. But it is really interesting piece of work. Keep on.

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825 Reviews

Points: 29151
Reviews: 825

Sat Mar 09, 2013 5:26 am
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, ka67.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

As it is, this work is not a poem. It's a descriptive bit of prose. Just because you sort of break things up into lines doesn't mean that it is poetry. You can, however, turn this prose into poetry if you revise it like a madman. I'll give you some advice.

In poetry, less is more. Here, you use words and words and words and more words. You don't want to do that. You want to give the reader fleeting, intense images that use as few words as possible. Here, you describe every detail of this person. Cut down on the number of words you use. Also, always think about this: "Is it needed to drive the poem along?" Your description of his face structure is completely unneeded. I would even say that you shouldn't put that in prose. You must let the reader fill in some blanks. Otherwise, it's not interesting.

I would also use shorter lines. You use huge, rambling lines that don't make much sense. That goes with cutting down on the number of words you use, though. Here, let me give you an example of how I would write the first bit (this is just an example, you should find your own style):
"The sky rested within his eyes;
the sun within his hair.
Wings rose from above his back,
but fangs resided behind closed lips."

See also how I'm not saying explicitly that he's a demon? But I'm saying what you're saying without actually saying it. That's showing and not telling. You tend to tell throughout the entire piece. Be subtle, but not too subtle. Don't say "I was not sure how I'd ended up in such a situation where he could smirk and show me how evil he really was," say "his smirk colored my face in confusion" or something like that. It's a more interesting and illustrative way to give the story.

Altogether, cut down on words and telling, and bulk up on subtlety. You do have the material here for an interesting poem. Now let's refine the rough rock into a polished gemstone.
I hope this review was helpful to you. Keep writing.

Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall