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Chapter Seven of the Netheron Chronicles - The Ruins of Arluine

by StoneHeart


Arluines ruins.
Tauren was shocked, and awed both at once.
What else could this massive monument be?
High on each hilltop around them were massive stone towers, reaching up into the clouds, most still intact, though covered in moss now. Some few of them appeared to be in the process of falling apart.
Before him were heaps of perfectly cut rectangular rocks strewn in between these two hills in a perfect line, what else could they have been other than a massive fortress’s wall? In the distance he saw the building stones seem to go into the distance, forming one gigantic heap at one spot. Where he assumed the keep had been.
And the smaller heaps of perfectly cut rocks simply went into the distance, stacked in heaps all over the plain at irregular intervals, at places he saw walls of buildings still standing. . .
Arluine, once the capital of Netheron, once the greatest city of the universe, was now nothing more than heaps of scattered rubble, brought low by the powers of time and war.
Marlan, Edrin, and a couple of the older Arrels had always liked to talk about Arluine, about its size, its strength, its wealth, its beauty, about how it was once the seat of Nether power. . .
But those stories and tales had always ended with the Arrels and Edrin looking rather sad, and Tauren hadn’t needed to ask if something very bad had happened to it. And here it was now, standing before the fortress of legend . . . a ruin.
Detrick stepped up beside him and shook him.” Tauren, what was that?”
Tauren pointed up at the fortress.
Detrick shook his head, not understanding.” The rocks, yeah, I see them.”
“. That’s the ruin of Arluine.” Tauren said slowly, thinking the few words should be self-explanatory.
Detrick still looked uncomprehending, and shrugged, throwing his arms out to the side in a ‘and that is?’
Tauren frowned.” Haven’t they ever told you of Arluine, the greatest city of all time? It used to be the Capital in the old days, hundreds of years ago. It used to be where the ancient kings ruled, before Arreland came along.” Detrick should have heard of that at least.
Detrick shook his head again.” No, the capital in the old days was Kinsingskeld. Not this heap of rocks.” He looked genuine and Tauren was shocked.
He was sure that his grandfather and the Arrels hadn’t lied to him. That wouldn’t have made any sense, no, this was Arluine. But why hadn’t Detrick heard about it.
“Look.” He said pointing.” See those towers.” How could he have missed those?” And that wall over there. Didn’t you ever learn history when you were little?”
Slowly realization dawned on Detrick and he gulped.
“That used to be one big fortress.” He muttered, and then he glared at Tauren.” I was actually. I just never heard of Arluine.”
Tauren shrugged, maybe he just hadn’t been told. There was any number of reasons why you could have never heard about it.
“We have to get moving; those Halavardes might find a way to get to us.” He sighed.
He trotted sadly over to T’hunes body and pulled of the bloody saddle, sorting out his possessions and packing them in a make-shift pack. He regretted the horses death, he had become to like the small beast.
He sighed, the pack slung over his shoulder, his feet crunching on the dry grass, as he turned away from the dead horse, what now?
He walked over to Detrick, who had been watching him carefully as he worked.” What are you going to do now?” He asked.
Tauren smiled as best he could, but he had a feeling he failed miserably. Those Halavardes had dropped dead in their tracks for no reason, and had run away with those strange looks on their faces for some reason he didn’t know, it was a mystery he needed to unravel.” You’re going to keep going, get your message through. Get your commander the help he needs. I’ll be fine; I can make it back to the forest, once there I can survive.” He held up his bow which he had retrieved, then glanced up at the heaps of mossy building stones behind him.” But first I think I’m going to check out this a bit more. I have a few things I’d like to figure out.”
Detrick nodded glumly.” I’d stay and help you with . . . whatever, but . . . Sorry.”
Tauren felt a flash of affection or his companion.” Thanks. Really, thank you. I appreciate your help; you saved my life more than once already. I owe you. If we ever meet again, I’ll repay you.”
Detrick glanced at the sun, which was already falling over the edge of a hillside. The winter days where becoming more noticeable.” It’ll be night soon. I might as well camp here for now, it’ll be safer than out there.” He gestured to the hills behind them.
Tauren nodded; glad at the idea of having his companion for at least a few more hours. Then, turning, he paced for the nook in the stones he had seen earlier.” I don’t think it would be a good idea to camp in the open, let’s get in the ruins. I’m going to explore a bit anyway before I bed down.”
Detrick agreed without a word, and, together they headed for the nook in the rocks, leaving behind them four dead horse, and four dead men.
The nook in the rocks was nothing more at first than a spot were two of the massive walling stones had fallen together making a triangular tunnel about nine feet high and wide enough for three men to walk abreast, its walls were surprisingly warm and wet, and the soil underneath even had some kind of dark green moss growing on it.
It appeared to go for quite a ways as well, because they couldn’t see the end right away, it simply went off into darkness.
Without a look behind him, Tauren plunged into the darkness, closely followed by Detrick, leading his horse.
They weren’t to see the light of day for a long time still: a very long time.
The tunnel went perfectly evenly, as though it had been built, with the smooth trail, covered in strange moss, and damp walls.
They went in silence, their breathing magnified by the enclosed space, though their feet made not sound.
They had only been in to the tunnel for a few minutes when Tauren saw a light far ahead of them; he frowned and pointed it out to Detrick, not feeling as though words were appropriate for this place. It was a strange light; light blue, and far too dim to be daylight.
As they approached it, the walls began to slant inward, and the tunnel began to shrink dramatically, suddenly Tauren ran face first into a wall.
He stumbled backward with a short cry, surprised, having thought that the source of light was a long way ahead of them yet. But looking down it was there, a tiny little hole in a wet limestone wall, giving off a gentle blue glow. It would hardly be big enough for him to fit.
Behind him he heard a ring of steel on steel as Detrick drew his sword in surprised, ready to fight, apparently thinking Tauren had been attacked.
“I just ran into a wall, the light’s coming out of this hole.” He reassured him in a low whisper.” I’m going to find where it’s coming from.”
His companion nodded, sheathed his sword, and answered in the same whisper.” I’ll be right behind you.”
Tauren shook his head.” What about your horse?”
Detrick shrugged.” He seems to have the hang of things,” He grinned at the horse, who was licking water off of the walls and nibbling at the soft moss on the floor,” We’ll pick him up on our way back.”
Tauren grinned too, and knelt down, looking in the hole. He couldn’t see anything though in the light after the time in the darkness though. He blinked a few times and carefully started to pull himself through the rocky hole, jagged edges of rough stone catching on his clothes and slowing him down.
Finally he was all the way out, and slowly he stood, staring in awe at what surrounded him.
He was standing in a room hardly fifteen feet across, it had two hallways leading off into adjoining chambers, and its roof was low, just over his head. The source of light, to his amazement, was moss.
Thick velvety moss covered the roof, walls, and floor of the room; it gave off a soft blue light. Magical.
Detrick gasped as he stepped out next to him.
Tauren knelt down and pulled up a sprig of the growing plant, rubbing its fine branches between his fingers causing them to crunch and stop glowing.
Beneath the patch of moss he had pulled up he saw the floor of the chamber, rough and looking as though time had eroded it away. Strange, he thought.
Detrick sighed, smelling a sprig of the moss.” I don’t think this is your ‘Arluine’ Fortress.” He said slowly.
“Oh?” Tauren asked, cocking an eyebrow.” Why do you say that? What else could it be?”
Detrick grinned good naturedly, shifting his battle axe on his back.” Well A: I’ve never heard of any fortress named Arluine. And B: this place is ancient. Didn’t you see those halls back there, or the building stones this thing was made of, or even this floor. The Netheron Wars were just over 80 years ago, not five hundred, if not more.”
Tauren opened his mouth to respond, but shut it quickly, Detrick was right. He quickly saw the flaw in his idea.” Then what do you think it is?” He challenged.
Detrick shrugged.” There’s no way to know without exploring a bit more, but I’d say that this is from long before the Netheron Wars, hundreds of years before probably. I’d guess it was built at the beginning of Netherons time.”
Tauren had a suspicious feeling growing in him, but he quickly pushed it back down.” Then why haven’t we ever heard of this place? It’s huge; it can’t have just ‘disappeared’ from history.”
Detrick shrugged again.” I don’t know. The only way to figure out anything about it is to poke around a bit, and I for one, have had my interest spiked.” He gazed down at the glowing moss on the floor.
Tauren nodded, hoping his suspicion wasn’t correct, turned, and headed down the right hand corridor, closely followed by Detrick.
The corridor was lower than the room, but it had more of the glowing moss in it, and their way was well lit. They went cautiously, a thick dust in the strangely fresh air causing them to lose their ability to see any distance down the hallway, now obviously man made.
After a few moments the roof became higher and they were able to stand up.
Tauren suddenly stopped suddenly and stepped over to the side of the hallway, kneeling over to examine something he had noticed under the moss. Carefully he pried away the moss and looked under it.
“What is it?” Detrick asked from behind him.
He felt something made of metal, and pulled some more moss off of it.
All of a sudden he pulled away a larger clump of moss, and felt a sickening jolt of surprise deep down in him.
“A corpse.” He sighed in response.
And indeed it was. The armored body of a man, stone cold, but still surprisingly intact. Not having begun rotted yet.” It’s fairly new.” He added after a moment.
Detrick leaned over his shoulder, whispering.” Poor fellow, he wasn’t a Halavarde.” Tauren nodded, not recognizing the beautiful white and green cloak that the man wore as belonging to any kingdom he had heard of.” Maybe he was from this place.” He added after a moment.
“And hasn’t rotted after this long?” Tauren sighed.” I think my theory that this was Arluine was more realistic.”
Detrick shrugged.” I don’t know. Maybe this air, being underground, with this weird moss. . . “
Tauren shook his head.” I don’t think so. Let’s keep going.”
Detrick didn’t argue, and they continued on, down the hall.
Taurens heart beat faster, wondering what had killed the man, curiosity overwhelming him. What was this place? Who had ruled it? Why did the moss glow?
After a few minutes they came out into their first major room.
It took them one glance, and they were suddenly able to make a few more conclusions about this mysterious place.
This castle had been invaded.
And this room was where its defenders had made their last stand . . .


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User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 610
Reviews: 67

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Wed Feb 27, 2013 8:30 pm
Auxiira wrote a review...



Some few of them

A few of them.

one spot. Where he
You need a comma instead of a full-stop.

And the smaller heap
Lose the "And".

rocks simply went into the distance
You can lose the "simply". Maybe put "rocks went on far into the distance."

I was actually.
Considering what Tauren said just before, it would be "I did learn history actually." It just flows a bit better.

from the dead horse, what now?

Seperate the "what now?" from the rest of the sentence and maybe whack a "he though" afterwards.

he had a feeling he failed miserably
"he felt as if he had failed miserably" sounds a bit better.

Where doesn't mean were. You do that quite a lot.

he paced for the nook
he started towards the nook. Pacing is normally back and forth and pensive.

them four dead horse
"them four dead horses"

shrink dramatically, suddenly Tauren ran face first into a wall

Instead of the comma, put a full-stop.

I like this chapter; it's full of mystery and I'd love to know more about this city, it's evidently central to the novel and full of magic.

Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxiira^^




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17 Reviews


Points: 5225
Reviews: 17

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Wed Feb 27, 2013 12:33 am
TheEvilWithin wrote a review...



“High on each hilltop around them were massive stone towers, reaching up into the clouds, most still intact, though covered in moss now. Some few of them appeared to be in the process of falling apart.”

--“Some few of them” is a little awkward to read. Also, “most still intact” implies that some towers are falling apart, so perhaps you should swap this part for a stronger description

“Before him were heaps of perfectly cut rectangular rocks strewn in between these two hills in a perfect line, what else could they have been other than a massive fortress’s wall?”

--This sentence is a little awkward. It has slightly too much going on

“In the distance he saw the building stones seem to go into the distance”

--This is redundant.

“Where he assumed the keep had been.”

--This can’t stand alone as a sentence

““. That’s the ruin of Arluine.””

--Why is that period there?

“Detrick shook his head again.”

--I’d advise against starting a paragraph with the same four words as a previous paragraph

“He looked genuine and Tauren was shocked.”

--This is kind of telling rather than showing. You opened the chapter with similar telling, too

“That wouldn’t have made any sense, no, this was Arluine. But why hadn’t Detrick heard about it.”

--This sentence doesn’t flow well. The way it goes from the first part to “no” is the problem. Also you didn’t end the second part with a question mark. You should since it poses a question.

““Look.” He said pointing.””

--You should have a comma after said.

“Look.” He said pointing.” See those towers.” How could he have missed those?” And that wall over there. Didn’t you ever learn history when you were little?”

--Some of these quote marks are misplaced. It was confusing because I had to work out where the dialog really was.

“That used to be one big fortress.” He muttered, and then he glared at Tauren.” I was actually. I just never heard of Arluine.”

--Another misplaced quote mark

“he had become to like the small beast.”

--Do you mean “he had begun”? I don’t think that makes sense

“He sighed, the pack slung over his shoulder, his feet crunching on the dry grass, as he turned away from the dead horse, what now?”

--This sentence just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand the last part “what now?”. Also you’ve got too many things going on in one sentence. He sighs, the pack is now slung over his shoulder (describe that action instead of just stating that’s what he already did) and his feet are crunching on the dry grass. Maybe split these ideas up and expand on them?

“Those Halavardes had dropped dead in their tracks for no reason, and had run away with those strange looks on their faces for some reason he didn’t know”

--Remove the second “those” and also “for some reason he didn’t know” since “for no reason” already covered that. Try not to be redundant.

“leaving behind them four dead horse”

--The way you use “them” in this sentence is awkward

“The nook in the rocks was nothing more at first than a spot were two of the massive walling stones had fallen together making a triangular tunnel about nine feet high and wide enough for three men to walk abreast,”

--Use a singular word instead of saying “the nook in the rocks” again. Crevice, fissure, cleft. Also you said “were” instead of “where”

“The tunnel went perfectly evenly,”

--Definitely never use a double LY adverb. It’s way too harsh to read and they should be used sparingly, anyway. Also you’ve used “perfectly” three times now

“though their feet made not sound.”

--“made no sound”

“light; light blue, and far too dim to be daylight”

--I dislike the repeat of “light”. Perhaps “pale blue”?

“and the tunnel began to shrink dramatically”

--I think you need to make it dramatic yourself instead of just saying it happened dramatically. Use emotions and descriptions to make things tense, because simply saying it happened that way won’t do it

“Behind him he heard a ring of steel on steel as Detrick drew his sword in surprised”

--“surprise”

“He couldn’t see anything though in the light after the time in the darkness though”

--Repeated “though”

“He was standing in a room hardly fifteen feet across, it had two hallways leading off into adjoining chambers, and its roof was low, just over his head.”

--A lot of your sentences are awkwardly structured, like this one. I think it would sound better if you started a new sentence before “it”

“Magical.”

--I don’t understand why it was magical and who it was magical to. If your protagonist thinks so, why? I feel this story lacks emotion from your characters in certain parts

“Detrick grinned good naturedly”

--Alliteration

“Tauren opened his mouth to respond, but shut it quickly, Detrick was right. He quickly”

--Repeated “quickly”. A lot of the time you use quickly / slowly or another LY adverb, you don’t need to. You could easily take them out a lot of the time and not stand to lose anything

“Detrick shrugged again.” I don’t know. The only way to figure out anything about it is to poke around a bit, and I for one, have had my interest spiked.””

--A lot of your dialog is very unnatural. At first I thought it was because of the lack of emotions / telling but you definitely do need to work on it. Both of them talk in a robotic way and don’t seem to put much feeling into what they are saying. All I’m getting is the occasional gasp, smile, sigh, nod etc and their dialog is very “let’s go here, let’s do this”

“Tauren suddenly stopped suddenly and stepped over to the side of the hallway, kneeling over to examine something he had noticed under the moss. Carefully he pried away the moss and looked under it.”

--I’m guessing you wanted to alter the position of the word “suddenly” and forgot to take the other one out. Well, we’ve all done that. I don’t get why he had to stop and then step over to the side. Why doesn’t he just step over to the side? Also “prying” something away means you use force to move it, so that action doesn’t really go with the word “carefully”

Okay, so I think your biggest issue is your dialog. Both characters speak in the exact same way, really, and that combined with the lack of emotions makes it hard to imagine them and how they are expressing themselves. They’re very two dimensional and everything they say seems to just push the story along, as I said, in a “let’s do this, let’s do that” kind of way. Often one character is posing a question and the other answers it and then they move onto the next thing. It’s boring and not particularly alluring or engaging. I think if you expanded on their emotions between dialog and fixed your tags up so they’re not always doing something very basic like sighing or nodding or whatever and then worked on making each character more unique and, well characterised, then you’d have way less of an issue. Your descriptions are pretty good. I was able to visualise everything you said so job well done there. Perhaps if you could expand on a few things, such as what the glowing moss looked like? And the ruins at the beginning, too. All you really said about them is that they were covered in moss. Perhaps you should add in other details about the ruins since moss becomes a bigger part of the story later and you don’t want to overuse that. Perhaps throw in other sensory information, too, because a lot of it is about what they see.

In the future I’d recommend having a break from your writing for a couple of days before reading back over it and editing it because you obviously edited this when the story was fresh in your mind, meaning it was easy for you to overlook mistakes. When you edit I suggest reading the whole thing out loud because you will see that some sentences don’t flow very well and you will notice what I’m talking about when I say the dialog is robotic and unnatural

Anyway, not bad, this story definitely has potential, just a few things to keep in mind. Keep at it

Evil






I know, this is one of my worst chapters. For sure.

I just wrote it in a couple hours (Rough draft).

I'm going to get back at it and totally edit.

My other chapters are better. :)

Thanks though, this was a killer review, though I think you focused on my grammar a bit too much. You should note that this is a DRAFT. So most of your work will simply be fixed as I write.

Thank you though, I probably won't have picked out everything, and a second opinion always helps.

THANKS!

Killer review again.




A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon