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Untitled Project - Episodic

by Javshanidze

Jimmy and Bogart are sitting at the park entrance. The sun is rising. They are both drunk, dizzy, Jimmy is asleep. Empty bottles of Jack roll from Bogart to Jimmy, He opens his eyes, sees how Bogart lights up a cigarette. Bogart takes a deep draw, slowly breathing out the smoke. Bogart's already sober, at least he looks sober to Jimmy.

- Hey Jimmy!

- Yeah?

- What's wrong with love? What's wrong with people?

- What? ...I don't see anything wrong - Jimmy grinds his eyes - They love hating eachother.


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80 Reviews

Points: 6066
Reviews: 80

Sun Mar 03, 2013 11:03 pm
100xstupid says...

All I will say is this:

I wish I knew how to grind my eyes.

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68 Reviews

Points: 3129
Reviews: 68

Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:50 am
ka67 wrote a review...

A little confusing. What is going on,really? They are both drunk,understandable but really why? And the random question from Bogart to jimmy and his reaction. what was on Bogart's mind and what is jimmy saying? 'Jimmy grinds his eyes' is something I don't fully understand, does he rub his eyes to keep back the headache/ hangover or...?

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303 Reviews

Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

Wed Feb 27, 2013 2:23 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...

Ah, okay. Just an idea, but I think you should really enlarge a bit, even for a intro, it could use to be a bit bigger.

Your first paragraph is a bit jerky, I'd advise trying to separate it a bit more.

The grammar is lacking in periods, and has an extra comma in there. Fix that and it would be much better.

" Jimmy grinds his eyes" would be more grammatically correct than - Jimmy grinds eyes -.

But, this is something I could see you basing a story on, it would work well.
Your grammar definitely is better in your dialogue than in description.

Ah, keep writing, enlarge this a bit, and you might get somewhere great!

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15 Reviews

Points: 1361
Reviews: 15

Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:01 pm
Stigma wrote a review...

Hiya~ Just a few things here:

Jimmy and Bogart are sitting at the park *entrance (misspelling). [The] sun is rising.

Empty bottles of Jack *roll (singular) from Bogart to Jimmy. He opens his eyes, sees how *Bogart (capitalization) lights up [a] *cigarette (misspelling). **Bogart takes [a] deep draw, slowly breathing out the smoke (in this sentence, you jumped from the present tense to the past tense). Bogart's already sober, *at least (two words) he *looks (misspelling) sober to Jimmy.

In that last line, it's kind of a weird skip from speech to narration. Try using quotes when having someone speaking. Or, if this is a script-style, bullets are fine, but make sure to separate the narrator's part from the characters.

Keep writing!

~ Stigma

He knew that elbow.
— soundofmind