They catch themselves in their sessions of depression,
Swallowing their pills; giving away their possessions.
-
The bridges are high and the fall has no end.
Their days continue; their hearts never mend.
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Tears turn to blood and the stains leave their mark,
Consuming the lights and possessing the dark.
-
Their dreams are riddled with flashes of death,
They suck back a sigh
And breathe their last
breath.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Observerxd here to give you a review. Before the review itself, I'd like to say that I'm stil a bit new to this whole reviewing thing. I just express my opinion and it doesn't have to be correct in any way.
Ok so let's proceed. This poem has grasped me in a way I have read it over a couple of times and upon each of the readings it left a very dark aura on me. It has powerfull if not too powerful imagery. To be able to express this darkness so well you have to live in it, at less at some point, and I believe only those who have felt similar notions (myself included) can fully understand how good this really is.
The choice of words is just impecable and adds to the whole impression this poem has.
"Consuming the lights and possessing the dark."
You almost get the impression that depression itself is a best eating your life energy away, I simply adore such personifications.
I could go on but let me just say. This is a great piece of work, one to which I can also relate and the one which awakens certain emotions in its reader,and that is actually the point of poetry. I loved reading this work very much. Keep up the good work!
Wowzers. I have attempted to write what I just read, and it's never been that amazing, nor has it perfectly described the way I sometimes feel. Very well done on that. The words seriously floated off the page, and went extremely well together. It was wonderful to read.
The only thing I have to say, is in this stanza -
Their dreams are riddled with flashes of death,
They suck back a sigh
And breathe their last
breath.
-Which by the way, I loved how you formatted this part. Anyways, when you say 'They suck back a sigh' I think you should find a different word than 'suck.' I just feel like it doesn't fit with the rest of the elegant wording. You could replace it with 'They draw back a sigh' or 'They hold back a sigh'
Just a suggestion
That was the only thing I could find here. Sorry if I wasn't very helpful! Very well done though. I absolutely loved this.
Thank-you for your review. I do like the way 'draw back' sounds. I think the reason I chose suck is because it makes me think of someone gasping (like a final intake of air before death). I may decide to change it...I'm not sure.
Hey!
even though I did like how you used the slant rhyme to make the rhyme work wonderfully. I feel like giving away possessions is a very bland thing instead of saying something that would show these were things that they once cared for, and once loved.Aley here.
I would like to say that you definitely have a way with words. I like how you work in internal rhyme as well as the end rhyme. You have a good deal of the beat working for you in this as well. Those things in this poem are pretty well done, and make it really stand out as a good poem. I would definitely say you've put a lot of work into making this poem. It shows in the little things like the line lengths gradually getting shorter until the end, and how you get more and more explicit as you go along until finally you're talking directly about their jumping and death.
The things I would say need improvement happen to be things that are under control in this poem. Right now, I'm not exactly sure I'm convinced that the emotion in this poem is genuine, and I think that having the structure so tight is sort of holding back from the flow of emotion that can be "depression."
I also think that you could have worked in quite a bit more in the way of description if you were giving yourself some more lee-way with the lines and weren't so exact with it. Right now I'd have to say I didn't like how you said
I think adding that human element, the specific details, would help create a sense of comradery with the reader that this doesn't necessarily have. Right now most of the words, though beautiful, feel rather cold and standoffish.
Here's another example.
[quote] the stains leave their mark[/qoute]
With this example what's going on almost sounds like a dominating act. Leaving a mark on something is a violent act, especially if it's a stain because it will never go away. Sometimes it's from something spilling, where glass can break or people have fumbled with balance, and other times it's something dramatic like a scar. There's a lot of power in the words both stain and mark, but in this, you've paired the two together in a way that makes us think of bloody tears staining cheeks, when people don't cry. We're taught a lot through television and other media that fantasy creatures cry blood, so it sort of changes what we're looking at to use the symbol of bloody tears. If you had bloody wrists, or legs, or some other area where people cutting themselves might choose, then it would be a lot more powerful and draw this away from fantasy back towards humanity.
I can't say I have much else left to tell you.
Honestly I really liked this and it was hard coming up with something to say. You do a good job with your poetry, and it's a joy to read.
-Aley
I love this poem! Oh how rude of me...hello!!! Your poem is awesome, I love the wording. The photo was an amazing touch. It was short but to the point and made absolute sense to me. The first part of it was my favorite, simply because I can relate to it. I think a lot of people can relate, and I'm pretty sure those people would love your poem if they read it. Because it's really well thought out, and fantastic. I didn't see any spelling mistakes or anything wrong. I think you did a spectacular job! Keep being amazing!!!!! Have a great day!
Ps. Never stop writing! c:
~Spacesoldier