IX
Asenath stood clumsily by the gate of her old home.
Modesty. Now she knew what that letter meant. A higher neckline and a tunic that didn’t hug her skin.
Yet, Oni still insisted that she was beautiful in her outfit. She wore her wedding dress over her white tunic. It was designed like a net made out of deep blue beads with tassels on the bottom. Her collar was weaved out of thick blue rope and had shimmering white tassels. The band on her wig was made of white beads strung together. Her bracelets and earrings were silver.
Asenath was not nervous or excited. Her whole being was like a cold stone.
A white litter came down the street followed by a procession of slaves, who were to carry her things to Zaphenath-paneah’s house; dancing girls with tambourines; and countless commoners holding torches and singing. Behind them were more litters with Asenath’s family and other royal guests.
Pharaoh Senusret was throwing a huge feast for all of Memphis in honor of Zaphenath-paneah and Asenath.
The whole caravan stopped at Asenath’s house. The slaves picked up her chests.
But Asenath was surprised. As she climbed into the litter, none of the guards looked at her perversely.
Modesty, hmmm. I might actually like it.
Once she was in the litter, the group started off again. Asenath peeked from the curtains once more to look at her painted home. Then, it was hidden by the crowd.
The caravan passed through the city streets laughing, singing, and dancing. Asenath kept the curtains closed. She could not stand all the happiness.
Why is the whole city happy but me?
She sat back to listen to the merriment. But, after a while, her curiosity got the better of her. She had to peek through the curtains.
A marvelous sight met her. People swarmed the streets trying to get the closest to her litter. Guards had to keep the crowd back. Thousands danced around the streets, drinking and playing flutes, harps, or tambourines. People sat on top of their houses to watch the procession. They threw grain on top of the litter as it passed by crying, “May the gods bless you”, May you be like Hathor”, “Blessings of Isis on you”, and “May you be blessed with sons”.
Asenath spit.
The gods are not real. And even if they are, they will never bless me.
It was a night of feasting, and the full moon shone down on the city. The palace of the Pharaoh rose in front of them.
Then, they took a right turn and there was the vizier’s house. A thick white wall surrounded the huge compound. The house itself was a palace with columns and looked like a three tiered pyramid. It was surrounded by gardens, fountains, and pools. A raised dais had been erected in the middle of the property. All the gardens had tables laden with food on them. Outside the walls were booths filled with food for the commoners.
The litter stopped in front of the golden arched gate. Asenath was awestruck. Of course, she had known that the house would be large, but she had been too busy trying to figure out Zaphenath-paneah to imagine the scale of her new home.
And for only two people! The feasting will go on for days!
All became silent. The curtains were opened, and Asenath stepped out. The crowd began to cheer. The bride had come forth! Priestesses of Isis twirled and danced about Asenath, laughing as they led her through the gates toward the dais. The other nobles of Egypt followed. Other invited guests were allowed in for the special feast.
Asenath walked as in a dream. When they reached the dais, she climbed the stairs to the top.
There stood Zaphenath-paneah. He wore a white cloth around his waist tied with a red, blue, and green belt. He had a matching collar and gold bands on his wrists and ankles. He had a straight gold goatee (in the fashion of Egyptian viziers) and wore a gold and blue headpiece. As he looked at his future bride, he beamed.
Asenath could not hold his gaze.
Also on the dais were the Pharaoh, the Queen, her father, her mother, two other priests, and a scribe. Her parents stood smiling and gloating.
They finally get what they always wanted.
Asenath could not look at them either. So she looked at the city.
A whole swarm of people surged outside of the gates, each trying to get a better view. Even more watched from their roof tops.
Asenath felt dizzy.
I’m going to faint.
She began to swoon. But Zaphenath-paneah grabbed her hand with his strong calloused hands and squeezed it encouragingly. She felt something begin to thaw in her heart. But then she looked at her parents, at the Pharaoh. Memories of pain and loss flooded back. She let go of his hand and stiffened.
Let’s get this over with.
The crowd was hushed and music began to play., The slaves ceremonially carried her chests into the house. Then, Zaphenath-paneah gave Potipherah a bag of gold for the bride price. The scribes pulled out the marriage contract which was signed by all on the dais.
Asenath’s hand shook as she signed her name next to Zaphenath-paneah’s.
Potipherah, the presiding priest, offered a calf. He lifted his hands to the sky and said, “Ra, great king of the gods, is this marriage to your favor?”
At this point, Zaphenath-paneah became a bit antsy.
Maybe he is afraid that the gods will say no.
Potipherah sniffed the smoke of the offering. He turned and loudly proclaimed, “Ra is in high favor of this joining!”
Pharaoh turned to Asenath, “Blessings of Isis and Hathor be upon you.” Next, he turned to Zaphenath-paneah, “Blessings of the God you serve be upon you.”
What? He was supposed to say, “Blessings of Tatenon. What God does Zaphenath-paneah serve?
“Seal the contract.”
Zaphenath-paneah turned and sealed the paper. Both turned around. The Pharaoh joined their hands and lifted them up. The crowd began to cheer.
Asenath felt a surge of excitement. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
Pharaoh Senusret called out, “Let the festivities begin!”
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Timmy here
I began this review with my hello on Review Day, but never did get around to it. These chapter reviews aren't what I prefer to write during that day, since my review quality seems to dwindle for some reason when faced with multiple chapters. So I save them for this. :3 Let's begin.
Okay, so one thing I am noticing in this chapter which I love is more description. Overall, I have a better picture than before and everything seems to be fleshed out nicer. It seems like I am holding a fuller scene while I read it, and there is more to digest and think about while reading... all the while, it still being just as enticing of a story. I am also noticing differences in the paragraph lengths. Before, when this book was just starting out, your paragraphs were teensy things, and there were so many of them, just boom. boom. boom. --down the page. But now I think you have discovered a way of splitting your paragraphs in such a way so there are long one's, short one's, single sentences, etc... to fill this up. And I think it just took a while for you to find the groove where you knew where you could separate the ideas from each other. This chapter is definitely my favorite so far.
Let's talk about that description, though.
When you describe something, it's almost as though you have a template sentence in front of you, and you just fill in the blanks - for each and every description sentence. When you're describing her dress, almost each sentence is a copy of the one before it. Except you're describing a different part of the dress, so some words are different. But you go about it in the same way: it was this. One of the things you need to work on when you edit are those kinds of sentences. It is a form of redundancy, in a way. You're repeating the same style of sentence over and over while you describe. Alternate sentence beginnings, different style of sentences, describe things differently--anything to not have the same kind of sentence more than once in the same paragraph.
And it leads back to what I said before on showing versus telling. If you were showing the reader that her bracelets and earrings were silver, there would be no need to tell the reader that: "the bracelets and earrings were silver". You could show us, instead. Whether by having Asenath look at them and ask herself if they were really silver, and turn them over in the light--and their silver colors reflecting back. Just showing us instead of telling us what these things are would help the descriptions a lot.
One thing I am uncertain about while reading through, and I think it's just me wondering about Asenath's mentality now. When she stepped into her thingymajigur and the guard didn't look at her perversely. The old Asenath would have thought something was wrong, wouldn't she? So I think this is a chance for you to show the difference between them, and if she hasn't changed much, perhaps show an internal struggle there. The old Asenath wanting the eyes staring at her, and the new Asenath wanting them to keep their eyes to them-self. Some internal struggle there seems appropriate. ^.^
The wedding was very well done, especially the emotions coming from Asenath. I love how she can never seem to make up her mind if she is pleased about the marriage or not. At one point, she is happy because of it, and feels good with his hand in hers. Then she changes her mind and looks over the whole place with a sniff. And then at the end, she is back to holding whatshisfaces hand, and being excited. o.o I knew girls were complicated, but gosh. This girl can never make up her mind, and it seems to be something that's just her. And she is in a very emotional state right now, anyway, being married so suddenly and after eight years of seeing no one (I still think her coming back and her being unaccustomed to so many people around her was played down too much) just being thrown into the mix as if they expect her to go right back to how she was before. It's going to take time, and she will never be the same Asenath as I knew in the first chapters. She has already grown from that girl into this woman.
I am trying to not read the other reviews of the chapter because they seem to have an insight into the plot of this book I don't have. :3 It seems as though the man she has married is not Egyptian, or is at least not a normal one. He speaks Hebrew, believes in a different God than the Egyptians... hmmm. Definitely an odd ball in their crowd. But it will be another thing which will help Asenath grow. More for her to learn. :3
I simply love where this is going. Your plot is one of my all-time faves.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hmm...I never thought about some of those things before. Thanks for the helpful ideas!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Well since I had already reviewed the last chapter, I skipped it and moved on to this one. But I read it thoroughly and made sure I understood it. But I will also be commenting on the last chapter, as to sorta make up for the sloppy way that I reviewed it that time. Sorry, about that review on the other chapter btw. That was done a while ago I believe, and I wasn't that good at reviewing then. Let's hope I have improved since then!
Well remembering the last chapter, Zaphenath-paneah said that she was to dress modestly. As a Catholic, and somebody who believes in modesty of that level, I whole heartily applaud that. Higher necklines and less tight clothing are the way to go. I mean, dressing immodestly can cause a man to sin, and that sin becomes your own, if he does. I really love how you're portraying her reaction to this new idea.
Throughout this chapter you refer occasionally to the word "modesty" and every time you do, I always get the feeling that the idea of it is new to her. Good work with that. It needs to be that way. We need to understand that this concept is rather foreign and she isn't quite sure about it.
One more storyline comment before I go into nitpicking. The marriage. Well done! What I really liked was how you brought out so well, that her new husband does not believe in the Egyptian gods, but in some other being. It set up something, that she will probably ask him about later, and learn from it as well. Also, I'm wondering one thing. Did you research how Egyptian weddings are done, or are you running it from guessing? I wasn't entirely sure, as I wasn't sure if there's a lot of research out there on that type of thing, but whichever the case, make sure you have it right, down to the tiniest details. If you get something wrong, some history geek, will find it and scold you about it. xD
Alright, this line needs some work. For one, the semi-colon is being misused here, and for another it's basically a run on. What I suggest you do is reworking it like this:
A white litter came down the street, followed by a procession of slaves, who were to carry her thins to Zaphenath-paneah's house. Dancing girls with tambourines and countless singing commoners, holding torches, followed behind.
Typically not the best example, but it looks and reads a bit better, no? In the future, try and make sure that use very few semi-colons. They don't read as well, and besides! commas are way better, and read easier. xD Research the use for both of them, semi-colons and commas, and you'll be able to figure them both out no problem.
Where this is placed in this chapter, it seems just thrown out there and really feels like you're just shoving it into our faces, and it honestly feels like you're just telling us that, instead of showing it. Maybe tell it to us sooner, like in one of the last two chapters, and she makes a mention of it in her thoughts somehow, or just something like that. Try to not jump around with your facts too much. Tends to give a work a disorganized appearance.
Well done. She's not thinking straight again.
This just seems like a run-on of names really. I have a thought, and I don't know what you might think about it... but I thought I'd just say it anyway. Put "her father and her mother" as " her parents". And as I believe her father is a priest and a higher one, it does make sense that you would say "two other priests" but maybe it would make more sense or add something more to this story, if they are of a lower status, then you could say something along those lines. But find a fancy word for saying their somehow lower or something, cause it might seem weird if you just said "two lower priests". xD You could also just say "two lower ranked priests". Might sound a bit smoother when reading is all.
I THINK the Pharaoh said this, but I wasn't entirely sure. Maybe clarify further on who said it?
OK, overall I'm noticing that you are starting to add a bit more description as you go along, and it keeps getting better. What I would caution you about is, making sure you read through each time before you post, to check for grammatical mistakes and funnily worded phrases. It always helps when a reader, starts well, reading and they aren't being constantly bombarded by those annoying little errors. They aren't exactly a huge deal, but are still big. If you get my meaning that is.
Other than that, I'm enjoying this story very well. But what I mostly appreciate is the way you portrayed her thoughts on this new concept of modesty. Very well done. It wasn't done in such a way that I thought you were trying to prove something, but it was done in such a way that showed that there was something there that was right. I hope you continue with this. Keep it up!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
I do believe strongly in the importance of modesty, and I wanted to include it as a contrast to the really gross ways Egyptian women dressed. you think today is bad? Not in comparison. I don't believe that it necessarily causes men to sin because each man has a choice of whether to park and lust or to pass. But I won't quibble about wordings. I know what you meant.
I heard my sister (PassionateReader) sent you on this mission. I'm really glad you accepted it!
SHE'S YOUR SISTER?!?!?!? Oh WOW.
kill her for me pleasexD Yeah, I'm actually enjoying this book so far!Yeah, I had NO idea she did that until yesterday or the day before. I was telling her how excited I was that you are reviewing my book. And she was like, "She finally got to it!" And I said, "WHAT?" And she told me what she had told you. Little sisters. *sigh* But I guess I can't murder her for just being my biggest fan...I suppose.
xD I knew I had to go look back and take a look at this again because of her. lol She is very persuasive...
she threatened to spam my wall I believeTwo things here:
-In my opinion, the first sentence could be written better. Maybe you could try splitting it into two sentences or something.
-For the second sentence, you might need a comma after "thick." I might be wrong, though... I guess it's fine either way.
I think that a description of the crowd cheering would fit well after this.
Yay! I'm happy that Asenath is having a good time. After her hard past, it's good that she has been sent off on a good path with a handsome husband of high standings. Clearly, this wedding is a big deal- with all the cheering crowds and festivals, there's no doubt about that.
This is so sweet. Zaphenath-paneah and Asenath hold hands and she gets a surge of excitement. This thought tells us exactly what she's feeling: most of her stubborn doubts have been swept away. For the festivities, she can actually enjoy herself.
Great job!
Hi! there Aravis10
..
An arrange marriage is what happened, I suppose. Which you have described in detail that I was able to imagine the characters, event and setting. Thus, I find it charming that you included Asenath's point of view. We can connect with the story through her along with her rants, confusions and questions allowing us to understand the heroine better. Practically, I liked this line:
Because she's giving their marriage a shot and it felt like she's happy. After, the not so good things that happened to her in the past.
Keep writing
Note: My apologies for the inconsistencies of my review here on your story such that I haven't read the previous chapters.
It's fine! Thank you!
Ooh... gods and blessings. Things are going to get antsy!
Now then... My biggest comment is for the descriptions. You use so much 'was' to describe things. Try using personification; it makes everything stand out so much more. You can also use Asenath's actions to describe the set. Like: "She gaped at the humongous columns of the vizier's mansion" Or something like that.
And in general, I think you can use less passive voice. (That's like 'was doing' instead of 'did'.)
Again, longer sentences. (Although I guess you just put 8 and 9 up together, so I can't say much.) I also want to see stronger verbs, as well as a few adverbs. Let's not just see 'what' people do, but also 'how' they do it. Use connotations to your advantage. And with many of the feelings, rather than saying 'Asenath felt', make the feeling into the subject of the sentence, or give the physical effects of such feeling. (Butterflies in the stomach, widening eyes, all that lovely stuff.)
As for story and plot... can't say much. This is just a visual of what we knew was coming. I kind of thought Asenath would have some more scathing comments on the whole affair, but I guess anyone would be in awe of all the festivities. And riches. Good grief, all the riches. Showing off the vizier's wealth was a good way to go.
Hmm.... I think that's all from me. I can't remember if I spotted any huge grammar things, but if I did, they weren't important.
Keep it up!
Ciao!
Woah! I went back and read through really carefully trying to see what you were saying. I use "was" and "felt" a lot! I didn't even notice it before!
http://www.writewords.org.uk/word_count.asp
This site will help you identify often used words.
That is cool! Thanks!