But leaving the city didn't go as planned. They made it to the north gate within the hour, only to find the gate blocked by a noisy crowd of people, fleeing and cowering back from a scene playing out like a production.
Before they got close, James already knew what was happening.
He knew the feeling in the air. The fear, the dread. The pain, the uncertainty. This was a public display, and the air was electric because a mage hunter was exposing a mage for all to see.
They rode up just in time to see a hunter James recognized - more by name than his face - push a young man onto the ground. The hunter's reputation spoke for him. The man's body hit the dirt like a heap of bricks, and James knew the limpness in his frame as the telltale sign of lumshade. The victim was caught, their fate already sealed. To the crowd cowering in anticipation, the threat was neutralized.
Alexander Kingsman wiped his hands with a smug, confident smile befitting of a serial killer. A killer, getting paid for it, and taking far too much joy in the hunt.
But James couldn't condemn him any more than he did himself.
They both had blood on their hands. In vain, James was desperately trying to wash them clean. Therefore, it was agonizing to watch Alexander parade himself around the body and address the crowd, talking them down from their panic.
"Worry not," Alexander said as he whipped a large net. "This mage will do no more harm to you or your city. Please, go about your day. I'll take care of this."
Next to James, Shane's expression had twisted into something between horror and sickness. One hand rested on Shrimp-- who was sitting on his lap-- keeping him there, but it seemed more distracted than anything. The other hand was clutching Arden's reins, warm skin paled by the white around his knuckles.
He looked as though he wanted to storm forward and intervene and something was barely keeping him in the saddle.
Alexander wrapped the man in the net like a heap. When the hunter drug the man through the dirt, Jame's blood began to boil.
He wanted to step in, too.
But the same thing that held Shane back was the same thing that kept James from action: anything they tried right now would only make things worse. The mage's fate was already written, and there was nothing they could do or say, regardless of their positions, that could change that. If Alexander had caught the mage in a public performance, then he already had proof the victim was a mage.
There was nothing they could do.
Shane's jaw clenched as Alexander started to drag the mage past them. For a moment, something like rage flashed in his eyes. But where the rage ignited, heartbreak followed, lingering in Shane's eyes.
James watched as the mage slowly disappeared down the dusty road. As Alexander passed with the man, entangled in the net, James got a closer look, and his heart sunk even deeper.
He was hardly even a man. The mage looked more like a boy.
Sober silence filled the street. The stillness felt like it lasted ages, but still not long enough as the crowd that was once observing slowly began to chatter, and in moments, it was like nothing had happened. The city went about their day, and not a single soul followed after the person being taken to their death.
When James was a child, he'd thought this was normal behavior, because he'd never known anything different. Now, it felt surreal.
Any levity the morning had offered him was gone as reality was smeared on the canvas in front of him, too bright and bloody for him to look away.
He forced himself to speak.
"Shane."
Shane slowly tore his gaze away from the young mage to meet James's eyes. He didn't say anything, and James couldn't bring himself to either. He inclined his head towards the gate, clicking his tongue as a signal to Billy. Billy walked forward. Shane signaled for Arden to do the same with a gentle motion of the reins, and so he followed, but his fingers hadn't unclenched. Neither had his jaw.
In silence, they left the city. Their passage through the gate was uneventful, and the guards didn't even check them for papers: they were both recognized. They went out onto the main road, and pulled away into the forest, hidden from the traffic of travelers.
Shane was clearly still deep in thought, and James didn't want to interrupt - but the inner conflict was tangible in the air between them. James himself found it difficult to shake off the wad of torment that writhed any time another mage crossed his path.
"I know I've done little to earn it," he said, reluctantly breaking the silence after they'd rode several minutes out. "But if there's something on your mind, and it would help you..."
James watched Shane closely.
"I can listen," he said.
Shane pursed his lips, and for a moment, it was hard to tell whether he'd take him up on the offer or just remained silent. Then he spoke.
"Do you think there was family of his in that crowd?" he asked finally.
James looked back to the ground in front of them.
"Possibly," he said.
Sometimes family members would make a scene. Sometimes they were the ones who caused the scene. But these days, family members usually stood by. What were they to do, if the magic had been seen in public? There was no defense.
"I don't know what I wish for," Shane said quietly. "For them to find him missing later, only to get terrible news, or for them to have been there, and for him to have seen them doing nothing."
Both were awful, painful realities that happened all of the time. James nodded solemnly.
"But of course that hunter didn't think about any of that." Shane swallowed. "They don't stop to consider whether someone is loved, or who they'd be tearing apart by killing them. And they definitely don't consider how much love that person has given in return, and how much they'd be robbing the world of. It doesn't matter. The question I asked quite literally doesn't matter."
James's heart sunk. The Hawkings's stance was firm and public - but he hadn't thought that any of it had been personal until he heard the pain in Shane's voice. He knew he didn't deserve to know the story, but he could only imagine that, for Shane, there was a face he was imagining right now. Someone he knew personally.
"It should," James said quietly, staring off into the forest ahead of them.
He'd seem so many families torn apart. In the Moonlight Kingdom, public executions were a horror show, and he'd seen far too many parents, siblings, and otherwise witness their loved ones hung in the city square. The fractures made in their society were constant. The grief was unending.
And Shane was right. The guild didn't care about the value of a human life, or the love they shared and brought to the world. Not enough to change their practices, or pursue other options. Because now, the guild wasn't just a way to "protect" society. It was a way to control it.
That wasn't so easily given up. Especially when fear was so ingrained in their culture.
He wished he'd have done something. He wished he didn't have to keep up this stupid facade.
James glanced up at the trees overhead. They were off the path, riding a deer trail that wound through the thicker portion of forest outside the North Gate. As the sun travelled higher into the sky, the shadows cast by the branches overhead pulled back.
It was cooler, though, than the open streets of the city.
This was where they took the mages, then. Outside of the city, to die.
"Mage hunters," James said. "Of all the branches of law enforcement, they scare me the most."
"Same," Shane muttered. "There's a reason for that. No one gets drafted into it. The hunters like what they're doing."
"Or at the very least, they knowingly say yes," James said.
Shane nodded tightly.
"They're reckless," James added. "And they're allowed to be."
"Encouraged, almost," Shane said quietly. "They're happy to strike more fear in people's hearts."
"They have to," James said, just as quiet. "It's how they keep their power."
"If they didn't, would they really lose it?" Shane asked, with a hint of skepticism.
James looked over to Shane, his heart twinged with pain.
"Perhaps not," James admitted. "But it works regardless."
Shane's shoulders sank slightly.
"It does," he muttered.
James watched Shane for a moment, feeling the pain of Shane's helplessness like it were his own. It was clear that Shane longed to do something, but had no resources himself to bring about change. It was also entirely possible that Shane had tried to do something before, and failed.
Shane's mother was a voice among her peers, but James understood: it wasn't enough.
"You grew up... seeing a lot of it, I imagine," James said quietly. "Lettera is similar to the Moonlight Kingdom in that way."
"Worse, arguably," Shane said, flicking his gaze to the trees around them. "I've seen it, but I don't understand it. I don't know how we'll call ourselves a hospitable, welcoming nation one moment and then turn around and execute a child before we even know they'll be a mage one day. It's hypocritical."
James nodded, and the knot in his chest twisted tighter. He agreed, but it still hurt to say aloud.
"Yes," was all he managed to get out.
And as anticipated, the conversation died down between them, and all that was heard was the soft tapping of hooves as they continued forward at a steady, walking pace. Shrimp curled up tighter on Shane's lap as Shane absently stroked the cat's fur. He was still tense, but there was a different look on his face. Like maybe saying some of these things out loud helped in some way.
"How did you get around to thinking this way?" Shane asked softly.
The question stung, and James didn't know why.
There was something in his stream of thought that didn't make sense, even to himself. A week ago, he'd been dying to admit all of this to someone, anyone, for that matter, that he felt could be trusted enough with it. Now, it felt equally unreal and invasive, like he'd opened a door into the deepest parts of himself, and now the door was stuck open. He couldn't undo it, or take it back.
Shane was peeking in at something James had held closely for over a year, and there was no way he could know that Caspar was the only other person who knew.
He felt he hadn't had to explain it to Caspar, because Caspar knew him better. Caspar hadn't asked. He didn't have to.
Now, having to explain himself...
Why was it so daunting?
"Sorry," Shane said faintly, looking aside. "Never--"
"It didn't happen right away," he said quickly.
He hadn't meant to give Shane the impression he had no intention of answering. But he needed to count the cost.
He had to consider the consequences of this. This conversation.
"It took years," he went on, after a second of silence. "And... many losses."
Shane glanced his way again, his gaze softening.
"I envy those who are able to think freely for themselves without the instruction to do so," James continued, quieter. "But for me, it required the issue to touch my life personally."
And even still, it hadn't been enough. Not at first.
"It's amazing how much you can still do in the midst of deafening cognitive dissonance," he said, fainter.
Shane nodded slightly.
"It is," he said quietly. "It's better late than never, though. I'm not going to judge you on the when or how-- it matters more to me that you got here at all. Anyone who comes around to this takes their time and has different reasons."
James only shot Shane a brief glance, unable to hold his gaze. It was generous, of Shane, not to judge, but James didn't think he deserved that kind of provision.
"...Thanks," he said, swallowing thickly.
Maybe it was the heat, but his mouth felt dry, and his palms were slick with sweat against the leather strap of the bridle.
He felt guilty, saying any of this. He didn't deserve to confide in someone like Shane, and he certainly hadn't deserved any of the patience extended to him. Shane wanted some kind of explanation, and James was doing a poor job of it, and that made the guilt sting all the more.
He'd dumped so much into Shane's lap already. It felt wrong to offer more, and yet, it felt unfair not to.
"It was... confusing for me," James said, quietly. "It has been, for a long time."
He gripped the reins a little tighter, trying not to let Billy feel the tension too.
"When I was a child, my father died in the crossfire of a mage hunter and a mage," he said. "And I... didn't know what to do with that, for a long time. I wanted to blame the hunter for their recklessness, and the mage for using my father as a shield. At the end of the day, my anger was directed at the mage, only because everyone else said it should be."
Shane watched him, expression heavy with sadness, empathy-- and understanding.
"I'm so sorry," he said softly. "That's not a position any child should have to be in."
James dipped his head low, glancing off to the side. He felt uncomfortable under Shane's gaze.
"It's rather common," he said. "In one way or another."
Shane was quiet for a few moments.
"For what it's worth, you can be angry at that mage," he said. "But everyone else will get the reason wrong. They'll think he was bad just for being a mage. And it seems like so many people don't realize... the question of how bad or good someone is is completely independent of that. Having magic doesn't make anyone evil-- neither does it make them innocent in all the choices they make with it. It's just a tool, subject to the same human morality decisions as everything else."
Shane paused.
"I'm sorry that mage acted selfishly," he said, more quietly. "And I'm thankful you learned to think past him as a representative sample of everyone like him."
James finally turned to look up at Shane again, offering a small, somewhat forced smile. But he hoped it looked genuine, if sad.
"In my experience," James said. "People are more inclined to look past outward appearances when they desire the same treatment."
His smile faded, and he looked down at the ground again.
"...Or, they oscillate in the other direction," he said. "But. I'd rather offer others the same chance..."
But he couldn't finish that sentence. He pressed his lips into a small frown, pressing his legs on either side of the saddle just a tad. Billy sped up a little, moving ahead of Shane.
Shane's expression turned questioning for a moment, but he seemed to catch the memo, because he took his time in getting Arden to match the new pace.
"I would too," he said.
James felt a spike of panic when he realized Shane had easily deduced where his unfinished train of thought had intended to go, and, in feeling understood, he felt exposed.
His head shrunk between his shoulders, but he felt too... seen to say anything else, dare he expose himself any further.
What followed was a much, much longer silence that ought to have been comfortable, but now felt agonizing in light of this revelation. All James could do to alleviate the discomfort was try to enjoy the scene around them as a welcome escape from the boiling streets of the city. But even that was hard to focus on with Shane following beside him.
"I've lost people to the guild too," Shane said finally, and he wasn't looking at James for once. "Sometimes it doesn't actually help to have a target for your anger. Not if you don't know what to do with it."
James shot Shane a empathetic glance, but ended up setting his eyes ahead of them again.
"Yeah," he said with understanding. "It doesn't."
