the disease of overthinking.

April 4:

Too many words that I never get to say.

Maybe I overthink
or maybe I'm just too good at remembering.
and maybe I write too many poems
or maybe I just have too many words that
i never get to say.
too many feelings no one knows I feel
and too many ideas that never leave the pages
of my journal.

some people call it overthinking,
but I call her the only friend who i can be certain
will never leave me.
She takes up all my time
but at least I can travel anywhere I want
in the world I have created in my mind.

i overthink
every word
every memory
every regret
every feeling
every ending
every beginning
and every version of who I could have been
if I wasnt always too afraid to change.

maybe I overthink.
and maybe I overthink the very idea
of the disease of overthinking,
which lingers on my skin like the sunburn I got
which has turned my complexion dark.
And maybe thoughts are just thoughts
like how dreams are just dreams
and tears are only tears
and my life is just a life
that I am learning to live,

but at least I think.
and at least I see the beauty in
every thing and
every failure
and every disease
and every ending.

@RavenAkuma that seriously means so much <33 Kind people like you make my day so much brighter. Thanks for the comment!!

April 5:

overthinking tears and why they make me grateful

i saw my friends cry,
but I also saw them share poems of hope.

the truth is, I can think for hours and hours and I can overthink every detail of my life, but poetry saves me every single time.

i saw my friends scream and beg for any ounce of saving (they didn't get any),
but I also saw their hearts be calmed as they allowed music and gratitude to hug their aching hearts and ease their troubled minds.

i never understood the importance of gratitude until I realized I didn't even know what it was.
i never knew compassion until I hated myself
and I never knew forgiveness until my best friend told me she never loved me
and I never knew love until the one I loved chose another girl
(who looks and acts just like me).

and maybe I still say that I hate myself but maybe I also still say
that I love
the strength it takes to see myself as a perfectly imperfect person.
learning to love is greater than
loving.

and so
i saw my freinds cry,
but I also saw their tears that taught me to accept
unconditionally.
i was changed from a rigid believer
to a freely striving to be saved lover.
and that feels like freedom on the wings of
every eagle
and every colour
and every lantern in the sky.

April 6:

Overthinking how fish wish on sea stars and how you might be sick like me

I have been sick for my entire life,
conflicted with a disease that haunts
every dream
and every failure
and every passion
and every thought I have.

my sickness
is
invisible
and
can
only
be
seen
by
my
falling
tears
and lack of confidence in myself
and lack of trust for others.

the official name of my illness
is the disease of overthinking.
it is still unknown if this disease if contagious,
but it seems to easily transer to my friends,
judging by how fast they leave me.

a blessing in disguise,
perhaps?
an inevitable intangible imperfection
only imaginable by those
afflicted.
every bone of my brittle body
feels like the scales of a fish
dried out on the beach,
longing for the sea.
maybe fish wish on sea stars.

ive been sick for my entire life and perhaps
if you are reading this
and you know me
and haven't left yet,

Well.

maybe you are too.

April 7:

Overthinking how I have a broken heart but I have also been a heartbreaker.

Thank you so much @yosh and @22Midnight!! You are both so kind and I appreciate that kindness so so much <33

April 8:

Overthinking every time I kissed you and how the stars were a map telling me to leave.

Summer stars
Are the only reason
I could see the freckles that danced
Over your entire body.

Damp grass
Is the only way I knew
Where I was.
I was with you
And the stars were the map.

Maybe I should have followed it.

I probably kissed you a thousand times that night.
And I wanted to but I also didn’t
But I told you I did
So I guess it was okay
For you to kiss me back.

I overthink how a kiss is only a kiss
And a kiss didn’t mean much
Until I saw you
Kiss
Her.
The girl who looks just like me.
She laughs a lot too.

Maybe your freckles were always stars
And stars were always maps
And maps made me want to kiss you
And kisses were only kisses
Until they were more than that.
And when they became more
They became nothing
And everything I wanted.

Summer stars.
Damp grass.
And way too many feelings.

Wow, I really loved this! Great work Ellie, this is a masterpiece I won't forget easily. Your theme is excellent to claim the Vanilla Challenge this week. I'd definitely consider submitting it. It's so pretty <333

Thank you @AmayaStatham! I appreciate you reading my poems and sharing <33 thank you for being wonderful!

April 9:

overthinking the words everything and nothing and how overthinking is my everything and nothing

I am everything
and nothing
and I am your everything
and I mean nothing
because I gave you everything
and got nothing back
because even though you will always be everything
i will always be equivalent to nothing more
than everything that I never was
and nothing can change the way you see me.

April 10th:

overthinking what I want to say to the little boy who lives on the moon.

I am anonymous.
What a shame you will
Never hear my tears.
You are every star I wished upon,
And these are the words I screamed:

Moonshine, Moon of light,
The darkest rays, guide my fight.
I pray you may, I hope you might,
See the tears, I cry tonight.

Fallen boy, you once held on tight,
You sobbed in my arms, knuckles white.
You wished and prayed, that ungodly fortnight,
Make it one more day, sleep through this night.

My dearest child, you were always a delight,
Now gone astray, did I choose the right?
I dream of you, someday taking off in flight,
But dreams died with the stars, I die tonight.