when i am holding nothing & holding everything

I wish I had more language to describe how moving the post-holy week and easter poems are. The progression from acclamation, to obligation, to resurrection. The story of Judas and mother Mary. The way you weave the humanity, the sorrow, the faith, and the hope... gah. </3

I was praying for you this morning, especially in relation to Easter, that the Lord would comfort your heart and direct it into his love. Continuing to do so <3

Man, yes.

@soundofmind that truly means a lot. Thank you, and yes, especially so for that prayer. <3 I am grateful Jesus is steadfast (in and through and beyond death.) And am grateful we have a Savior that is not afraid to weep with us ... The "toxic-positivity" side of religion is pretty challenging for me at the moment - but his grace and encouragement continues and this week was a good reminder to me to seek the Jesus we find on the cross who is not so afraid of our heavy places as the world is. <3 Praying Easter was comforting for you as well.

@Hannah <3 thank you for following along friend!

The background image is photo I took of northern lights this winter - sometimes it haunts me, sometimes it comforts me.

text version -
[i think he died the night i stood outside looking at the northern lights – and i wish i was there with him – and i would have traded the night and day and sun and moon and all the stars to hold him in my arms for a moment or even just to hear him cry – but life is cruel and death is crueler, and sometimes grief is iridescent light streaking across a sky of dark, and maybe now he is the light when i look into the night]

but God made mothers strong

<3

cocteau wrote:

but God made mothers strong

<3

<3

@cocteau @Meshugenah <333

Thanks for returning the favor. #15 made me cry for real. But then #16 shook me back to my senses with its strength - yes!!!!!

[My insurance doesn’t cover the fact that there is no baby.

They are supposed to cover more than what is printed here, but I am too tired and embarrassed and heartbroken to call them and let them know what happened. What would I even say? So here I sort through the bills for the appointments that confirmed there is no heartbeat, no life to sustain, no name to add to the insurance books, record “complete”.

I get a new note in the mail week after week after week to remind me in sterile medical jargon of every moment of the worst days of my life. Their language is uncomfortably neutral – office visit, routine scan, blood-draw – nothing to indicate that a life had disappeared into the night before it had a chance to begin, nothing about the unblinking screen, nothing capturing the feeling of the doctor letting the ultrasound pictures fall into the trash with his gloves, no extra charge for the awkwardly clinical attempts at empathy. There are no Hallmark condolences here, just a debt that needs to be settled – and for some reason this resonates because I too feel the debt aching in my empty body.

I unfold the invoice creases smooth like something precious, and gently tuck them into a baby-book that should have been used for something sweeter. I don’t pay the medical bills for a few months, because I don’t want to erase any sign that you were here – I treat the email reminders as kicks at the inside of my womb, and let sorrow be my nausea pains, and when the hospital rings while I’m at work with a “courtesy call regarding my most recent statements” I can’t help but sob as I try to mumble out my credit card number because I would have loved to hold on to even the debt of your life for a little while longer.]

[And I tell myself I won’t hold my grief bitterly, because at least it’s mine to hold, because at least in this small way – I am still holding you.]

"debt" is so devastating. the medical system can be so unfeeling. especially insurance and debt collections -- it's a part of loss that so many people overlook, for how it puts the pain in front of us with no emotion. just numbers, money, practical things that have to be done.

I unfold the invoice creases smooth like something precious, and gently tuck them into a baby-book that should have been used for something sweeter.

<///3

I would have loved to hold on to even the debt of your life for a little while longer.]

[And I tell myself I won’t hold my grief bitterly, because at least it’s mine to hold, because at least in this small way – I am still holding you.]

</////3 Beautiful. Heartbreaking. It moved me and brought me to tears.