Young Writers Society

Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven, a hell, where pleasure, pain, and sad repentance dwell

[Richard Barnfield]

I slowly opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the light coming from the window, I suddenly realised that I was lying in my bed. I could feel someone stroking my hair and looked to my side to see Lady Millicent sitting beside me. Standing beside her was the palace court-physician, his face looked strangely elated.

“Welcome back, Lady Rosaline,” he smiled warmly.

There was an intense throbbing inside my head that was causing me such pain I could hardly breathe. “Wh- what happened?” I managed to ask. “How did I end up here?”

“You fainted, my Lady,” replied Lady Millicent. “The Duke of Unis brought you here to your chambers and then called the court-physician.”

“I fainted? But...why?”

“Well...” the physician cleared his throat awkwardly. “Let's forget about that now, shall we?” he smiled. "I have some excellent news for you, My Lady. You are pregnant!”

I stared at the physician in utter disbelief. "No..." My voice was shaking. I could not believe it. I wouldn't. I quickly looked to Lady Millicent as though hoping she would tell me that this was all a crude joke, but the look of joy on her face made me realise all too well that this was not.

I was indeed pregnant.

From the corridor outside there came a sudden uproar of cheers. Members of the royal household that had probably been listening in through my door fled like birds to spread the news to the rest of the palace. Within a few minutes all in the Kingdom would know that Lady Rosaline, Queen consort of Genevere, had finally conceived.

I wanted to scream but my mouth would not make a sound. Only hot thick tears of panic and anger escaped from my eyes.

The court-physician appeared to be oblivious to my dismal reaction. He merrily noted a few sentences down in his journal before gathering his equipment together. “Now, I shall send my servant with some drafts later on in the day to help with any morning sickness you may experience in the coming weeks. The first stages of a pregnancy for any young woman are always the most difficult. Some major changes will be occurring inside your body each day and it’s very important that you...”

The rest of his words seemed to dissolve in my ears. The only sound I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat as I finally remembered what had happened the night before. Frederick had shared his bed with a palace maid, and I had been powerless to stop it. Recalling what had happened made me feel an anger that I could not describe. I despised Frederick, the mere mention of his name made my neck burn with fury, and now I would have to carry his child? While he amused himself with more mistresses, I would have to endure nine more months of loneliness and pain?

“How are you feeling, madam?” asked Lady Millicent, after the physician left my chambers. "His Majesty is ecstatic with the news! He’s contacting your Uncle King Maurice as we speak!”

My uncle...I imagined he would probably be relieved by the news. Finally the niece he had promised King Frederick would be the one to give him a son, was on her way to. Frederick would probably spend the next few months gallivanting around the castle preparing for the arrival of his long-awaited heir to the throne. I laughed inwardly at their premature happiness and hoped with all my heart that I would deliver a girl instead. I wanted to make Frederick feel the pain that I had felt last night when he had shared his bed with a maidservant.

“Are you alright, My Lady?” asked Lady Millicent, suddenly noticing the look of devastation on my face.

“Leave me,” I choked, shaking with fury.

“But-”

“Please,” I pressed.

She looked at me worriedly before handing me a goblet of water and leaving my chambers.

I threw the goblet violently onto the floor and turned to lie on my stomach. Burying my face in my pillow, I began sobbing so heavily I thought that my heart would break.

No one would ever see the tears that now poured down my cheeks.

No one.



“HER MAJESTY, QUEEN RENATA!”

My heart sank as the announcement was made and Frederick’s first wife entered my chambers. Lady Millicent immediately stood from my bed to give a curtsy in respect. Queen Renata acknowledged it with a graceful nod and then turned to face me.

“Your Majesty...” I attempted to sit up.

“Lady Rosaline, please, there is no need,” she said warmly as she approached my bedside. “I believe congratulations are in order.”

I noticed there was no malice in her tone of voice, or in her body-language. On the contrary, she seemed genuinely delighted by the news.

“Thank you, your majesty,” I managed to say, unable to have the courage to look at her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” I lied, attempting to smile and failing to do so.

Queen Renata nodded satisfactorily before silence fell in the chamber. I felt her look at me strangely, as though she wanted to say something but didn't quite know how to. For one solitary second I feared that she knew of what had happened the night before with Frederick.

“I...I have been meaning to thank you for the gift you gave to my daughter," she said, her expression changing into a small smile. "It was truly a beautiful piece of jewellery and it was very kind of you to gift it to her despite my ill treatment of you since your arrival here at the palace.”

“Your Majesty-”

“Regardless," she interrupted, politely, "I sincerely hope that we can start again.” Queen Renata gave me one final smile before heading out of my chambers before quickly adding, “Take care of her, Lady Millicent, with God’s help Lady Rose may be carrying the Kingdom’s long awaited heir. All may be well again.”



The mood of the people inside the palace seemed to have completely changed since the news of my pregnancy. Suddenly I was treated like a Queen instead of a Lady. Those from among the court who had been against my marriage to Frederick suddenly began to sing my praises, bowing and curtseying out of respect whenever they saw me, they would even smile at me and ask me how I was. Others, mostly the women of the court would congratulate me endlessly and flock behind me like sheep asking if they could feel my stomach.

Frederick’s treatment of me, however, seemed to be the only thing that had not changed. He had not visited since hearing the news, instead he had thrown as many maids into my chambers as his right arm possessed to look after my every need to the point that I had grown to feel suffocated at the very sight of them. He had probably thought he was doing the right thing, making up for what he had done to me but he wasn’t. I would never forgive him for what he did to me.

Never.

As I entered the Grand Hall that night for the celebratory feast, members of the court and guests immediately stood from their seats and broke into applause, cheering and raising their goblets happily towards my direction. I awkwardly walked past their bows and smiling faces not knowing what to make of such affectionate displays.

At the High Table stood Frederick, his face beaming as he watched me enter. Once I reached him he took my hand, kissed it, and then presented me to the court. My heart raced in anger. It was as though I was a trophy, a prize won by him, instead of a human being.

Lord Wotton, who had been standing on Frederick’s left immediately raised his goblet high into the air for a toast. “To Lady Rosaline and the future heir of Genevere!”

I watched emotionlessly as there came an immediate and thunderous chorus of “Lady Rosaline!” and like a mirror image, the rest of the court raised their goblets and drank.

All but one.

Instead of celebrating with the rest of the guests, Tristan chose to look on blankly. The look on his face made my heart sink.

After the toast, came the evening’s, feast followed by entertainment from the royal musicians. While guests around me indulged in the finest wine and clapped along merrily to the music of Thomas Keyes, Frederick, his Privy Councillors and I sat at the High Table and looked on.

Suddenly, Frederick turned his head towards me and placed his hand on mine. I flinched at his touch but tried not to let it show in my face. I was more than aware that the Privy Councillors were listening in and watching us both intently.

“A gift for you...” he smiled, handing me a small gold trinket box encrusted with pearls.

I wanted to refuse him but I couldn’t.

“Open it...” he gestured.

My fingers trembled as I opened the box in my hand. Sitting inside was a large sparkling ruby ring.

“Do you like it?”

I shut the box and attempted a smile. “Yes.”

“I’m glad...” he smiled, placing a gentle kiss on my hand before catching Tristan’s eye and smiling. “Tristan, my friend, you seem slightly...preoccupied as of late.”

Immediately, all eyes were on the Duke of Unis. I looked up to see Lord Wotton and his fellow councillors grinning slightly.

“Is anything the matter?”

Tristan cleared his throat awkwardly. “No, Sire,” he replied.

“You always were a terrible liar, my friend,” smiled Frederick, casually taking a sip of wine from his goblet. “You know, for a while now I have been getting the feeling that something has been bothering you, and tonight I think I’ve finally figured out what it is...”

The tone of his voice sent a shiver down my spine.

“You are missing your parents...” Frederick concluded. “I mean, why wouldn’t you? Your dear sister Evangeline passed away only months ago, it is only natural for you to want to be with your family at such a time.”

Tristan glanced up at Frederick in confusion.

“Well you’ll be pleased to know that Lord Wotton has arranged for a carriage to take you to Unis tomorrow morning. Isn’t that right, My Lord?”

Lord Wotton smiled pompously. “Yes, your Majesty.”

“Does that please you, your Grace?” smiled Frederick.

“With all due respect, Sire, I do not need-”

“Does that please you... your Grace?”

The sudden harshness in Frederick's tone of voice made my skin crawl. Something truly did not feel right.

For a moment Tristan looked as though he would protest, but he seemed to think better of it. His jaws tightened in anger before he responded. “Yes, your Majesty...”

“Excellent,” Frederick smiled, taking another sip of wine from his goblet before adding “Oh, and Tristan...be sure to give my respects to your parents.”

Several seconds of silence passed at the table making my stomach turn.

“I will...” Tristan replied, eying Lord Wotton fiercely.

.................

links to other chapters

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53716.html (chapter 1)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53746.html (chapter 2)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53800.html (chapter 3)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53888.html (chapter 4)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54024.html (chapter 5)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54589.html (chapter 6)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic55095.html (chapter 7)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post652505.html (chapter 9.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic59246.html (chapter 10.

Hey! I hate seeing stories with no reviews, thought I'd help out. I like the narrator. Seems cool. I also like the technique, the writing style that you used. It's sort of old style English. Like great William Shakespeare only less complex LoL haha. Nice, keep up the good work and let me know if you ever need a review. x

Hey:) This is my first time reading your story and I thought it was awesome and very well written. It's very different than most of the stuff out there, and that's what drew me The leading male role in my book is named Tristan too, but I spell it with an "o" instead on an "a". If you would like to read it, it's labeled, Making Rain: Molly and Adam.

Classy here!


Mistakes??

I did not feel relieved by the news nor did I feel even remotely happy by it,instead I felt hot, thick tears of anger swell up inside my eyes

I think the comma after 'it' should be changed to a period. It would flow better as two sentences.

I did not need maids bringing me food and rubbing my body every hour of every day, it sounded childish but all I really wanted was someone who cared enough about me to hold me and tell me everything would be alright.

Same here. You make a list of things that you don't want being done, then say what you want in the same sentence. I think it would just make more sense and be less confusing, or flow easier, if you changed it into two sentences.

Lord Watton who had been standing on Frederick's left side suddenly raised the goblet in his hand high into the air for a toast.

“To Lady Rose and the future heir of Genevere.”

Okay, so the quote should be in the same paragraph as above it. You are saying Lord Watton raises a toast, but then start with another paragraph with a quote. This could cause come confusion since there is no description of who said it after the quote.

That's all I found! Your writing has improved greatly!

characters
So, by this point, I feel like I know Rose. But, I also had to go back and look at the story to find her name. I want more feelings, more drama. I know drama could be a turn off to some people, but you don't have very much here. When she hears she is preggers, I want her to scream and throw a pillow at the wall or something, you know? Because we all know she is not a calm-cool-and-collected character.
The kind whom she is married to. I love him. He has barely any lines, yet I still know he's a loser. haha
And Tristen? Is that his name? I think I've mentioned it before that I love him. I would like him to be a bit manlier though. I know he's not supposed to stick up to the king, but instead of him saying something bitterly, which I think is kind of girly, make his face red with anger or something.

Plot
Okay, so now she is pregnant. Ew. But, you still don't really have a plot yet! It's chapter eight and she hasn't even got through the second stage of The Hero's Journey:http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/ref/summary.html
I love this link. When you are writing a story, it really helps keeping you on track. This journey is followed by almost every story, and should be by yours, too.

I really love this story. It's exciting!

~Classy

Rawr, I'm here.
Okay, on with the review!

A few Nitpicks/Suggestions

I slowly opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the light coming from the windows I saw that I was lying in my bed inside my chambers.

Okay, I think it sounds better if you put "I realized I was lying on my bed inside my chamber"

“That’s not important,” said the court-physician, still smiling, “What’s important is the great news that I have. You are pregnant, my Lady.”

No need to capitalize the 'what' in the second quote.

My body became paralyzed in shock

______________________
Okay I noticed you capitalize the first word in most of your second quotes. You don't necessarily have to do that. For example:
"Oh my," the lady exclaimed with horror, "what ever shall we do?"
vs.
"Oh my," the lady exclaimed with horror. "What ever shall we do," she continued.
Blah blah, something like that.
Your grammar overall was quite good and I think your flow has gotten a lot better overall. I feel so much more of Rose's emotions in this chapter than I could in the previous ones so you're getting better, yay!
The only thing I want to mention is the changes in scenes. Try to make them bind together so we don't confuse ourselves. Like one moment I thought she was roaming the castle and suddenly she was being introduced by frederick.
I really wanted to hear her emotions when she meets him after so long and what kind of thoughts pass through her head when she sees his face.
Anyhow, you've created a very dramatic atmosphere which I truly enjoy. So hopefully you can come up with a very interesting plot next. I can't wait to see where this goes!
PM me or post on my WRFF thread when you post the next chapter!
Keep it up!

~Pink

thanks so much for the reviews guys!

Hey Coco! I'm so sorry about what a terrible reviewer I've been. I've totally slacked off for, ahem, a week. Although I blame the Minions for that, as I'm having a poetry reviewing competition. BUT, I am here now!

I'm just going to run through some key points:


I quite like the way the personalities are going at the moment. They're evolving over time, and we're seeing hints of other things which is all good. There were a couple of things that I'll just mention, though:

Tristan:

Gosh, he seemed like such a wimp at the end! Well, not a wimp, really. I just don't think that, in all reality, he would say something in a clearly bitter voice to the king. Perhaps there could be a hard edge to his voice or something. I don't know, it just didn't really work for his character. At least, not in my opinion.

Rose:

Just a small thing, but I'm not really sure about her feelings on the pregnancy. I mean, she'd be going through a lot of emotions at this stage, but I'm not really getting any of them through the story.

Grammar:

“Regardless," she interrupted, politely, "I hope we can start again. I should leave you alone to rest now, should be a full stop (period)” Queen Amelia stood up and headed out of my chambers

If you're confused about dialogue grammar, check out this.

Plot:

I don't know about this ... I mean, you have a story going along, but there's no main plot that I can see. It's enjoyable to read, I really liked this chapter, I just can't see where it's going. I feel like you need something to happen. Not just her getting pregnant, but an actual plot.

However, I really enjoyed this chapter! It flowed well, and it was interesting. I'm sorry this was so late, but you've done a wonderful job!

~Amy

Hey Coco,
Sorry for a delay in your reviews, but Im offically back. i was getting my internet fixed .

Anywho onto the review, and I am reviewing this oppose to all of them because I feel as though there are a significant number of reviews on your other chapters and anything I could say would be redundant and not helpful for you would have already heard that. So, I will review this one chapter and comment on the story as a whole.

I never expected for this kind of style of writing to capture my attention so, but it did. Although the writing is in past times, but it's captivating and excited. But, along the lines of plot not much has happened. She is pregnant, but what else does your character go through? What kind of journey is she taking that needs to be displayed to your readers?

There were also some grammatical mistakes, but I think the other reviewers have pretty much went over all of them.

Keep up the good writing and come up with an enticing plot and climax to keep your readers intertwined with your writing,
Good Luck
Tiffany

P.S. If you need anything at all please PM me and I will answer any question that you may have.

I love your story! a true original and its so beautifly written! update soon!

Hi Coco! I'm so sorry I haven't reviewed this yet! I forgot. -.- Woops.


This is lovely! I really like this!

The only thing I found was that when she is told she is pregnant, it just doesn't seem... right? It seems like you've rushed the news of her pregnancy, it didn't seem quite right when I read it. Maybe you could transition into the excitement a bit more fluently.

I didn't see any spelling errors, so good job there.

Keep Writing!

~Mo.

Hey *coco. I meant to do this review yesterday, but I was busy doing other things on YWS.

So here goes the review:

There was an intense throbbing inside my head that was causing me such pain that I could hardly breathe.

There was an intense throbbing inside my head that was causing me such pain I could hardly breathe. “Wh- what happened?” I managed to ask. “How did I end up here?”

The rest of his words seemed to dissolve in my ears.

Shubhi likes it!

While he amused himself with more mistresses, I would have to endure nine more months of loneliness and pain?

This was pretty good, *coco.

“I...I have been meaning to thank you for the gift you gave to my daughter," she said, her expression changing into a small smile. "It was truly a beautiful piece of jewellery and it was very kind of you to gift it to her despite my ill treatment to you since your arrival here at the palace.”

Others, mostly the women of the court would congratulate me, endlessly and flock behind me like sheep asking if they could feel my stomach.

I awkwardly walked past their bows and smiling faces, not knowing what to make of such affectionate displays.

Here's a very nice example of how the comma can change the meaning of a sentence completely. Just read it without the comma and then with it. Don't you see a difference?

Well, for sure, this novel is one of the most well-written one's I have read here. There are two-three things that you need to take care of and then you would be set on track.
Firstly the commas. They are not at all your strongest points, and I think that now you should get on with a lot of research on it. Try to read other stories here or from any other book, and try to find out where exactly they use a comma.

What I mostly like about your pieces are that you have beautiful descriptions to it, and I just get inspiration by reading from them. So, you get full points on it.

Every chapter has a new twist to it, which probably keeps me onto reading it. the thing that this chapter might present some new surprises. I guess Lord Wutton has said something to Frederick about Tristan and Rose. And this would be great to see where it leads Rose and her child. I think I would only be reading the next chapter and comment on the tenth one finally. The last chapter till now. I hope you start writing more, so that I don't have to wait.

Keep Writing,
~Shubhi