The Chair of Wind & Darkness: Draft Two [1-4]: Closed

It's like reading a novel...an incomplete novel. Your characters are believable, the dialogue's great, you have lovely imagery; it's engaging storytelling. And I am hooked! I've been in suspense waiting for more, so I finally had to tell you how much I love it!

If I can, I will try to give you a critique, but it may be a long time in coming...or not at all, since I might lose the courage. I've become very timid about giving critiques.

Well, good job, and don't be too hard on yourself. You've got great style.

~Jacquie~

Okay DD, I've started reading The Chair. It's late, so I've only read the prologue and chapter one, so hopefully I can get to the rest soon.

I tried to read over some of the comments others left, but I didn't want to spoil the other chapters, so I just skimmed the other crits.

The prologue is very intriguing and I would say it drew me in more than if you were to start at the first chapter. I loved the ordinary/extraordinary concept that the chair exhibits. It's a good, reliable characteristic of fantasy.

While I would have liked to see a bit more action in chapter one, it may not have been appropriate. You were building your character and setting and did a nice job of it. I was a bit confused, though, about the porch. I couldn't quite grasp what you meant by it and where exactly he was.

He tried to keep his eyes on the time piece, but nervousness got the best of him and when he went to run his fingers back through his hair, he realized that his hand was trembling. He look at it for a moment as if it was some foreign thing that left unchecked could do him harm - he smiled for the Strazha’s sake, pretended to be unconcerned and even amused. He clenched and open his hand several times and shook it, but the trembling persisted. It fell down beside him to conceal itself amongst the folds of his jacket and gripped the fabic at his leg tight enough to whiten his hand and keep it from shaking. He pushed his hair back again, this time with his left hand and rested his elbow on the carved arm of the chair. He put his head down and without moving his hand ran his fingers back and forth across his forehead, half to dry his face and half to disguise the fact that we was wide-eyed, studying the Strazhas in the glass reflection of the clock face.

The majority of this paragraph seemed unnecessary. It just kind of repeats some things you've already said. Maybe try and cut some of it down so your readers don't get too bored.

After he woke up, the writing gets a little messy; I have to say things over in order to make out what exactly they mean. Some of the sentences seem plain. It was a bit preachy too.

Near the ending, I can see the writing picking up greatly. The whole idea of falling made me a little bit confused. Is he actually falling off of something or is it a metaphor or reference to something else that is like falling?

Anyway, I love your style, and I should be reading some more chapters soon. Sorry all if she replies to this and you think it's another chapter!

Dream Deep wrote:As much as I respect and value your opinions, both as a writer and an great friend, are you sure about that?

I don't particularly care for my style myself - it is as you say, rather verbose, long sentenced and Dostoyevsky-ish. ^_~ Which might at times be a good thing but I don't think it reads well and I don't care for it. At all.

However! This may be writerly paranoia and disillusionment creeping in, so perhaps you're right. I just wish I could get from point A to point B without using quite so many words. I feel that by doing so I often lose my potential audience halfway through, when they can't bear to dredge through any more description. I just wish there was some way I could write without beating every sentence and every paragraph to death.

Though if you advise me to keep it as it is, I value your advice greatly and I would take it. ^_~ You've stuck with this story from the very first posting of the rough dream scene, and you likely have a better feel for it than most others.

Thank you, Imp... ^_^

Depression deceives, DD--makes things as dull and vague as if you were unholy hammered. ^_~ Don't trust the negatives. The Chair is intriguing and consistent very much because of your style which, if not the most common sort of narrative one find's today, is certainly as viable as any other. It wouldn't be what it is without the Dostoyevsky-esque loquacity. ^_^

And, ah, that's enough here. I won't flood the Chair with it.


IMP

Hahaha... I've been wanting to reread this and give a non-crappy critique. So, after I did my history test, I decided to read it and stuff! Fun stuff, no?

I'm not going to bother with full-out grammar critiques, because I don't want to type this critique for the rest of the night, but please know that just because I don't nitpick doesn't mean grammatical errors aren't there. In the first couple of chapters, I was drowning in run-on sentences. To help improve your flow, you're going to want to chop them up.

And OMG, if you're writing in a possessive, it's not "it's", it's "its." So every dog has its day.

Okay! Now for the content.

An Orwellian Approach?

Hahaha... this seems so 1984.

But, unlike 1984, there's something that you don't do. You don't really describe the society very well, instead throwing us in the society and hope we know better. Which might work except for several other things that will be covered later in the critique. Still, the Strazhas remind me of the thought police. Well... the elite ones. They sound uberly creepy and stuff. Yeah... I liked the Strazhas. In a creepy/cool sort of way.

Dreamy's Blind, OMG!

Okay... maybe not. BUT SERIOUSLY. You have some description of images, but not of humans really. So we don't really have a picture of Livny in our minds. Which might be okay and everything, but obviously he's an important character and he needs to described more! And maybe not just a description of what he looks like, but Shan's opinions on him also might be nice. I mean, he demonstrates it through his actions, but we love to hear about characters he thinks about. It's not just bad.

Speaking of which... chapter 2 and 3

Hahaha... we love random titles, don't we?

Anyway, I thought these chapters dragged on forever. I can see their significance in setting up the world you've created, but OMG. It goes FOREVER. Like, it has some conflict and stuff, but it isn't powerful enough and you could do such much more with less words! This doesn't mean chapters 2 and 3 suck completely -- no, far be that! They were pretty good. But compared with chapter 4, which rocked beyond all imagination, they paled in comparison.

Oh dear... let me tell you an example from my own story.

Okay, so I was working on chapter 12 and 13, and they were separate, but OMG. They went on forever, not in the obvious way like, "Oh, this sucks" but in the more subtle, "This goes on forever, yet it's written well. Hmmm..."

You see, one thing that you have to do as an author is to make people forget completely about their surroundings. You have to make them suspend reality, if for only an hour, and completely absorb them in. As soon as your readers think, "Oh, this is taking a long time," then you've stopped the magic. You have to continue it.

So what will you have to do? Well, with chapter 12 and 13, I had to cut it, to condense it into one chapter. Maybe you can do the same? I'm not saying that my solution is a perfect fit for your story, but at the moment it lags a little.

Figure out what you want to include in this story. For example, one thing that I liked was the kid (more on that later) and the cigarette. But that was overdone, and I'm sure you can cut down the amount of cigarettes that get crushed. Humor is fun and all, but sometimes it can be overused.

Ending of Chapter 4

OMG. This had so much potential, but NOOOO. You had to slaughter it.

*kills Dreamy*

First of all, CHARACTER REACTIONS. So they ignore Shan, including the Kasimovs. This is stupid. I mean, if I ignore someone, I still notice them. Like, if I didn't see someone entirely, then that would give me an excuse, but DUDE. This gives a perfect place for character development, YET YOU'RE AVOIDING IT.

*stomps on Dreamy's dead body*

Okay, you know how sometimes you can ignore someone deliberately, but before you officially ignore them, you accidentally show a bit of your emotions? Yeah. The same thing could be used here. Maybe Livny smirks before he turns away from Shan -- or to make matters worse, chuckles or makes a snide remark about how the rats have grown bigger in this day and age. And what if the kid's eyes grew round and, though he tried to look away, his eyes kept falling and another Kasimov had to pull his arm to drag him to another place instead. And this makes that chapter, which is totally awesome in the first place, ten times better!

*kicks Dreamy's dead body*

Get the hint?

In conclusion?

Anyway, you must have been drunk when you wrote that blog entry about it sucking completely. Or high or SOMETHING. Because for what other reason would you say that this story sucks? It's awesome. Do you hear me?

It's awesome.

So therefore, you must continue. Otherwise, my herd of pigs is going to team up with Crysi's herd of dragons, AND WE SHALL HUNT YOU DOWN. Got it?

So... um...

Do you have any questions you would like to ask me about the story? If so, I can answer without totally BSing it now! *shock/gasp*






...see? You dont have to be harsh on yourself. I can do it for the both of us!

Oy... thank you all - Jacquie, Trident, Imp, Snoink - for the comments and critiques.

At the moment I seem to be working on Draft #3 of the Chair (yes, I'm farther than Chapter 4 in reality ^_~), and I shall take all your advice into account.

Okay, chapters two, three, and four were absolutely amazing. I came into this thinking 'Ok, here we go. I'm going to read three chapters and it's going to take a while.' And then I started. Before I knew it, I was done, sitting here thinking to myself, 'Next chapter please!' That is a sign of great writing.

Okay, let's start with Snoink's comment that two and three are too long. It is true and it's not true. If one skims the chapters (like I believe Snoink has said she has done before) then you don't really get much out of it. However, if I really get into a story, I seem to read much slower than a story I don't like, and take in every detail. I did that here. Sure, there may be little things you can cut (like Shan's obsession to play with his hair and everyone elses' obsessions to play with their coats and the like). But I still think what you have doesn't detract from the whole.

Livny is, I believe, one of those characters that you paint your own picture of. Snoink offered that you should describe him more. I don't really think that necessary. His annoying nature gives the reader enough. Now if you were to give him an annoying attribute, such as his right incisor missing or he has neck fat that jiggles as he laughs, then I would be all for it. But otherwise, I believe his actions are sufficient for now.

Now, I'm not going to focus just on Snoink's critique. Here are my own thoughts: After Shan leaves the auditorium, there was a period in which I was let down. He didn't really do anything to show his anger/irritation. There was instead more of an inner monologue. That's fine, but give me something else that shows him doing something instead of just mulling.
EDIT: Never mind, I he gets frustrated, throws his sliver cross. Somehow this slipped from my mind while I was thinking back on it. It should be fine the way it is.


The fighting scene in chapter four after he went through the door got a little redundant for me after a while. Most of it is exciting, but some of it just seems to be happening over and over again.

I look forward to more chapters DD. This is quality stuff. And props to you for keeping the fantasy part out for as long as you have. I think that really elevates a story. And then when the readers have established this world that is so similar to ours BAM! there's the fantastical and we are left breathless. It makes it all the more believable. I really do hope you do something with this story. It would infinitely be worth the trouble.

Sir Trident (that's my first signing with that title, hooray!)

Much thanks, Trident! ^_^

I value your advice and I very much appreciate what you have to say. As to the aspects that you say need some work: thanks for pointing them out, and I'll get right on that. As to the compliments: thanks so much.

I'm very glad you generally liked it, Trident, very glad. ^_~

I would just L.O.V.E. to crit this ...BUT you will not let me read any of this. Oh, No , ALL your friends got to read the chair but NNNOOOooo !!! not me
What do they got that I dont got ? Courage ? well we'll see !

Ah... hi Dad. ^_~

See, this is the anticipation of the deadline building up for you. Just think of how pleased you'll get to be when I actually turn the thing in. In the meantime: because Jack activated your account for you, that doesn't mean you get to read it while I'm elsewhere and pleasantly unsuspecting.

Be good. Love ya. ^_^

Dreamy...

Your dad lives in Bongolia? Where's that?! XD

Hehe, I'm glad my parents aren't on this site. I'd get embarrassed enough if my friends saw my stuff on here.

Also... I have to crit chapter four still! I think it was four that I was doing. Hmm...

So how is the deadline going? It seems to increase every time I ask.

Kay

Well... that's because the deadline keeps changing, of course. Actually, it only got switched over to the second marking period (academically). The first slip-up with the deadlines was merely because I had miscalculated where the first marking period ended...

*yes, that's it, confuse the person who inquired...*

No pressure on the crits, Kay. I feel guilty for not posting more regularly.

This is a fantastic piece, and it doesn't read too slowly that you get bored of it, but not too fast so you don't know what's happening.

The description in this is amazing, just the right amount. I always have too much or not enough!

My only question is what time period is this supposed to be set in? When I read about the clothes that Shan's wearing it makes me think of it being set a long time ago. Is this right.

Finally, my favourite line:

'He turned his just marginally to drown Shan in a suffocating cloud of smoke.'

I don't know why I like this so much, but it's got so much detail in it, yet it is so simple!

Any more yet?

RR*

I'm so glad you thought it read well, Roxanne. ^_^ Thank you very much for taking the time to read it all.

As for the time period... there isn't an exact time period - it's urban fantasy. If you'd like to think of it in means of our time periods, think somewhere around or between Worlds Wars I and II. ^_~

Ive just copied all 12 000 words into word and I aim to do a mega crit over Christmas of this because I promised Id do it then forgot about it as I departed YWS for a few weeks because of studying and all. Well now I have no excuse, Ill read it and hopefully I will enjoy it like everyone else has.

Watch this space.

I shall, Phorcys. Thanks so much. ^_~ I am in your debt.