Insane Sanity

Before the database crashed, I thought I saw that we started -- just wondering when we'll be re-starting!

August and Skizzy

August

I was up before the knocking came, I always was, ever since the first night I was here. I waited, patiently, sitting cross-legged on my already made bed. I watched, anxiously, as the room grew too big and the door grew too small for anything to be allowed through. Watched as the walls melted into a white mess on the floors. And then I blinked and it was gone, and the knocking still had not come.

My roommate breathed deeply in her sleep, the sound was so sour it made my stomach turn. I glared at her, her and her orange pajamas that I'm 100% sure I asked her not to wear anymore before orange triggered my gag reflex even if I wasn't touching it, just the sight of orange...

I swallowed back the urge to vomit and looked down at my blue sheets, clean blue, nice, calming, delicious.

The knocking came and the door opened.

"Morning, August."

I nodded at Ms. May and slipped out of bed.

"They have your favorite for breakfast today. I got in good with the cook to get you green pancakes. I know you like green."

"Thanks, Ms. May."

"No problem, sweet heart."

She was the only one I could stand in this unit, her voice gave me butterflies, made my stomach knot up in a good way, made my head swim. I skipped past the shower and straight to the sink, I stuck my head under the water and washed up as quickly as I could with the soap bar and sponge. The sound of running water was painful, it hurt, and I tried to get it over as quickly as possible. I was out of the bathroom in five minutes and into the medicine line with some of the other patients.

Skizzy

A rapping came on my room door, as usual, as expected. As was routine, I checked my body for any new scars and, sure enough, there were scratch markings running down my arms, some still bleeding. Sighing, I checked my nails to see blood and pieces of skin. Grumbling and mumbling profanity, I got out of bed and quickly went to the bathroom to wash up before I walked across the room to the other person sleeping. Lazily, I reached out a hand and shook his shoulder. It was very easy to sleep through the wake-up call they gave us, and for some reason they seemed to knock so softly. If I wasn't already a light sleeper I'd probably stay in too.

"Hey, man, wake up."

He woke with a start, sitting up quickly and panting, a thin film of sweat on his forehead. He looked up frantically and, seeing that it was only me, calmed his expression and got up. You scared him... You scare everyone. Everyone's afraid of you, just like your parents were... Just like your parents are! How does that feel, Alexander? How does it feel? I flinched and held my hands to my ears, knowing it would do no good. It's too quiet in here. Why is it so quiet?

I rushed out the room, into the main building, and stood in line to get my meds. The soft hum of voices was calming, like stuffing cotton into my brain, and I sighed in relief.

"Morning, August."

She turned to look at me, with her usual expression of boredom, and turned back around in line.

"Okay, well that's cool I guess. I mean, you could ignore me, that's always good. You know your hair is still wet, you could get sick that way. I don't even believe they let you out without drying your hair, especially since it's quite cold in here-"

"Your voice makes me want to rip out your esophagus. Shut the hell up, Skizzy."

"Oh, sorry, okay. Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Skizzy!"

"Okay, fine."

It didn't bother me, she was always like that. It was actually quite amusing until she actually tried to act on her threats. I still have scars around my neck from that one day when I wouldn't stop talking - nobody else was awake - and she tried to kill me.

Is it so hard to believe, Alex? You're pretty annoying, and stupid, and do you really think anyone wants to be around you for longer than they have to. One day someone is actually going to kill you, you worthless piece of shit.

I cringed and pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. It's too quiet here.

Derek Young
I was sitting alone in a couch, reading the economy section of a newspaper. My dad was destroying it. My law firm, my reputation, Carl's reputation. Everything. Telling people that we had been on drugs the day that we jumped from that building, and that I had been sent to rehab. He refused to acknowledge the fact that I had flown, despite the evidence I had shown him. Just because he was blinded by his stupidity and his jealousy. "It's a miracle you survived," the doctors had told me. Stupid imbeciles, all of them. It wasn't a miracle. Of course I had survived, I had flown, just like I knew I could!

I put the paper down, to annoyed to look at it anymore. There had been one person in this universe who understood me, and now he was dead. Where was I supposed to find someone who could match me now? Certainly not here. I looked around with a frown. Retards. How had I ever sunken so low? To be locked in here with the likes of them it was.. Shameful.

I sighed and leaned back. At least there was a way for me to get out of here. Unlike most of the people here, I was intelligent enough to pretend that I was a boring, stupid, unambitious human who wished for nothing else than to be normal. Oh, how I hated that word. Everyone wanted to be like me, but since they couldn't they had to be satisfied with being normal, but since that wasn't enough they needed me to be normal too. I wasn't normal, and could never be normal. I was special. Greater than everyone of them. Perfect. Well, right now I was almost perfect. The meds they forced me to take made the world seem.. Fuzzy. I hated it. It made my mind, usually sharper than any knife, dull. Dull and gray.

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the retards around me. I needed to find someone who was on my level.. Well, at least close to my level. Like Carl. Someone who could understand me.

Someone sat down beside me. "Hello." When I opened my eyes I recognized the guy. The one who always spoke far too much, and who apparently heard voices.

Oh, no. But since the aids were looking I had to play nice and try to be as charming as I could. "Hi," I said with a wry smile.

Lilah

I hear a knock on my door- the usual routine- interrupting my thoughts as I wrote. I tried not to get angry though. Getting angry now would mean more pills and a longer imprisonment here.

Before I open the door, I carefully close my writing journal and hide it in a place that I won't even tell you where it is. I am also careful to clean my nails, which are caked with my own dried blood. Can't really find a knife in this place. I then carefully get dressed and go to wake up my roommate. She's such a heavy sleeper it's ridiculous. It's stupid too. What if someone tried to kill you in your sleep? She wouldn't even realized she was dead. I, on the other hand, would have killed him. Light sleepers live longer in my book.

I wake her up and she grumbles the whole way to the bathroom to get ready. She always has her hands away from me. She has them in front of her now. It's something about a scar or something. I can't really remember. Then again, right now I'm too tired to care. Last night was yet another night of waiting in the deathly silent room waiting for... something. I don't know what, just that there's something out there. I haven't gotten a full nights rest in what feels like forever.

Without waiting for my roommate, I slip out of the bedroom and make my way to the lobby, where the nurses are waiting. I stand in line for my meds, but don't really talk to anyone. Not that I don't like the people here, I do- most of them anyway - I just can't. I can't get close to anyone. I can't even say hi. If I get close to anyone they'll take them. Just like Cassie.

Anastasia Steele
"Good morning Ana!" One of the aides greeted me. I narrowed my eyes into a glare and watched him squirm. It made me smile just the barest tilt of my lips up. "My name is Anastasia do well to remember it." I said my voice soft and full of venom. "It's time for meds and breakfast." He said and I heard the shaking in his voice. I pulled my black hoodie on over my t-shirt and walked out of the room. "Good morning Anastasia." Conner's voice greeted me. It was soothing hearing my full name and I turned smiling. "Good morning Conner. I looked at the back in front of me. "Good morning Skizzy." I greeted. He turned and offered me a wry smile. I noticed he had new scratches on his arms. I had been with him when he was in one of his fits we all had. It was a bit frightening but only if you lost your head. Skiz swallowed his meds and then went to go talk to Derek. I couldn't stand Derek and often wished I could shove him off cliff or just hit him repeatedly in the face. Skiz liked him because if you got him to talking about himself he wouldn't stop. I was handed a handful of vitamins and two normal pills. The vitamins made up for all the food I rarely ate in theory. I swallowed the vitamins and then looked at the normals. Sugar coated fuck fuck. I carefully wiped off the sugar coating the best I could then swallowed them with water. I tested for any bit of sugar and cursed knowing tasting a few bits of sugar I'd missed. 'Fat ass. Chubette. You better get out there and run if you can. Get it off.' I gritted my teeth shaking with tension.

Spoiler

Johanna does not have anger issues xD She has anything but anger issues. She's a nervous wreck.

Johanna Yukiko
I tried to thank Lilah for waking me, but my heart started pounding and I could barely get a word out. I didn't want her to see my hands, so I quickly hid them from her. I didn't want anyone to see my freakish hands. They were atrocious. Something that belonged in a scary movie.

I quickly walked to the bathroom and took a shower as soon as Lilah had left. I could spend hours scrubbing my hands, but I knew I wasn't supposed to do that. I wasn't supposed to hurt my hands, even if they were horrible.

I dried my hair quickly, put on skinny jeans, a white t-shirt and a big grey hoody. The sleeves were far to long, so it covered my hands. Then I spent five minutes rubbing moisturizer onto my hands. It calmed me down a bit. Then, at last, I put two black leather gloves on my hands. Just in case the hoody wasn't enough.

The line to the medicines was short, since I had taken a bit too long, as usual. I stared down on the floor, constantly moving my hands around since I didn't know where they'd contract the least attention. I could already feel people staring, and my heartbeat sped up like it always did. I hurried to swallow my medication and then sat down on a chair in a corner, trying my very best to be invincible. I really hoped that we didn't have any group therapy today. I was seldom able to say anything during those sessions, and they always left me shaking like a leaf for hours afterwards.

Blue

I awoke with a start as someone shook me. Sitting up quickly, my breath was short and my face and clothes covered in a layer of sweat. Looking around frantically, I half expected to see the demons from my hallucinations. Seeing that it was only my roomate, Skizzy, calmed me greatly. But he quickly left, before I could even give him a good morning.

Peeling off my t-shirt, I noticed the wall beside my bed. It was covered in black charcoal, depicting a horrifying, faceless man hidden in shadows. The man in my hallucinations from the previous night.

Pulling on a clean, black shirt and a pair of jeans, I tucked my drawing book into my pocket and went to go get my meds; by the time breakfast was over the aids will have painted over my latest wall art, as they did most mornings.

Approaching the counter, I was able to get my meds quickly, seeing that I had lingered that morning.

I hurriedly downed my meds, afterwhich opened my mouth and lifted my tongue to prove the the aid that I had in fact swallowed them. Just last week they had discovered I had stopped swallowing, and was staching them in the pocket of a pair of my jeans. They of course took them away, and now I'll likely be on closer watch for the next month or so. We probably go through this at least a few times every year.

I looked over at Anastasia, who had been eying me with a disgusted look as I swallowed the sugar coated pills. Her eyes seemed to pierce through me, and I felt extremely naked. Glancing down at my bare skin, I frowned. I needed new tattoos. The psychiatrist here had told me I wasn't allowed to, but what did that old quack know? All he ever does is sit on his butt in his oversized chair and tell us what to do, then tell the aids what meds to force down our throats!

Sliding my gaze back up to Anastasia, I gave her a small smile, "Hello Anastasia. Care to join me at breakfast?"

Her lips pursed at the mention of breakfast, so I slid my hand into hers and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"Don't worry, Stasia," I said in a hushed whisper, "I'll sneak some off your plate when no one is looking."

I liked Anastasia. I remember the first day she arrived here. I was sixteen and I had just thrown a fit because I had just come from a meeting with my social worker, who had a habit of tapping her nails against the desk and a phone that wouldn't stop ringing. I was sitting on the couch, quietly, just like I had been told, trying to calm down. Then, before I could object, this random girl I'd never seen in my five years here sat down beside me. I stared at her harshly, about to snap at her to leave. But then she looked at me with her sad, blue eyes.

Turning my attention from my memory to the other patients, and a few of my friends, I asked, "Would you all like to join us for breakfast?"

Conner Grey
"Sure Blue I'd like to." I said and looked around for Tyler my roommate. I hadn't seen him when I'd woken up. I noticed Blue and Anastasia holding hands and fought the urge to scowl. I knew that Blue was only doing it to comfort her but still I felt a bit of jealousy that I swallowed down quickly it was bitter and acrid tasting. I knew she considered me as a brother she'd told me so as for the rest of the guys I only knew she couldn't stand Derek. I started rocking back and forth on my feet my tiredness fading. "Go to breakfast." One of the Aides said and looked at Anastasia and Blue. They let go of each others hands albeit reluctantly. One of the rules was no touching though most of us disregarded it entirely. "Skiz want to sit with us? August? Lilah?" I asked looking around. "Tyler what about you?" I asked my eyes finding my tired looking roommate getting his meds.

Anastasia Steele
I looked at Blue wishing that he hadn't let go of my hand. I shook it off and we walked to breakfast. The smell of food turned my stomach and I fought the urge to bolt. I think Blue sensed that and he put his hands on my arms steering me to the breakfast line. I eyed the food feeling Ana getting ready to start screaming at me. I watched them pile green pancakes on my plate, eggs, and sausage. I tried not to wince as they handed me the plate. I walked down the line then I saw fruit set up down the line. "Help yourself dear." One of the servers said. I grabbed a plate and piled it with strawberries, bananas, watermelon cubes, honey dew, and grapes. I walked out of the line and then sat down at a table. Blue on one side of me, Skizzy on the other and Conner on the other. "Hey Paul can we smoke again?" Conner asked. Sometimes the aids would let us smoke inside of the building if we didn't want to go to the smoking porch. "Just open the windows." Paul said. Conner grinned and opened a window letting in a 25 degree wind. I started to shake wildly my teeth chattering. Conner handed me a cigarette and lit it for me since I couldn't make my hands function. "Are you going to be ok Stasia?" Blue asked. I looked around and noticed a few people eyeing me with concern. They all knew that one of the many downsides of Anorexia was that cold effected me more severely than anyone else. "Cold as all hell." I managed between chattering teeth. Someone put a trench coat around me and I looked up to see Conner looking at me concerned. "Eat the fruit hunni." He said softly. I bit into a strawberry still shaking badly. I heard Conner mutter something to Blue and Skizzy that sounded like "Keep her safe and warm." But I really couldn't tell because he went to the window and sat there smoking blowing smoke out the window.

Lilah

I see all of the others sitting around the table at breakfast and think how nice it must be to just sit, maybe hang out with a few friend, without feeling the scouring eyes of the aides ad the doctors and the nurses silently examining you twenty-four seven. I wonder how it feels to forget that everyone seems- no, is- after you for just a second. I wish that someone would come over and say hi, without being forced to as part of a job. Even here I'm the wierd one, the one that doesn't belong. Hell, I'm not even the one who believes he can f*cking fly. I guess that's what you get when you almost strangle someone to death.

Despite my meloncholy state, I scarf down my food as quicky as I can, even the vomit-worthy green pancakes. Of, course, I know why they're green. One of the other guys here has a thig with colors. Green calms him. Kind of ironic that his name is blue. To be honest, I kind of like him. Of course, if you ask I'll deny it to the grave, but still. We kind of get each other. He has issues thinking people are there that aren't. I have issues with thinking people are after me that aren't- or at least, that the doctors say aren't there. And we both seem to hate ourselves. Strange, true, but still. We get it.

I want to come over and say hello to him, but the paranoia ets in the way. If I get too close, something will happen. Just like Cassie.

After finishing my breakfast, which I am sure is laced with something, I sit at the table, fidgiting, looking all over while trying to act normal for the nurses. I definitely do not want more pills shoved down my throat. After a while though, I think, screw it. If I want to go over and say hi, I will. Someone might- no will- get hurt. But right now I don't care. I haven't said a word since I came here- not anything coversational anyway. I might get someone hurt, but I need to talk with soeone. Not the phychologists in their lab coats or the doctors forcing pills down your throat. Someone like me.

Determined, trying not to chicken out, I walk up to him. "Hey."

"Hey, Lilah." he says, eyebrows raised, cigarette hanging from his mouth. "What's up?"

Blue

"Are you going to be ok Stasia?" I asked Anastasia, who was now so could her teeth were chattering and she couldn't contain her shivering.

"Cold as all hell." she chattered.

Conner came behind her a draped a coat around her shoulders, concern laced in his eyes, and spoke softly to her, "Eat the fruit hunni."

As Stasia began eating her fruit, gave Skizzy and I a look and whispered, "Keep her safe and warm."

As Conner made his way over to the window, I wrapped my arm around Anastasia and scooted her closer to me. Rubbing my hand on her arm in hopes of warming her, I glanced around me to see none of the aids watching.

Reaching across my own plate to Anastasia's, I swiftly tore off half a pancake and stuffed it into my mouth. I'll admit, I know I shouldn't do it, and I would never eat ALL of it. But she gets in trouble for not eating all of her food, and I know how hard it is for her.

Chewing quickly, I swallowed and glanced around again. Once again, I took the half pancake and shoved it into my mouth.

"Thank you." Anastasia whispered to me.

"No problem, Stasia." I whispered back, starting on my own breakfast.

As I worked on my own pancakes in between hits from my cigarette, something unexpected happened.

Lilah came over. And around all these people, too!

"Hey." she said blankly.

"Hey, Lilah. What's up?" I answered with a smile, snuffing out my cigarette against the table.

Lilah was cool to talk to. We had a bit of a mutual understanding, what with our illnesses. Not many other people here are like us, so she's nice to talk to. But even without our illnesses in common, I still liked her. She was nice, when her paranoia wasn't in the way. Actually, I think she was beginning to trust me!

Tyler

I hadn't been able to sleep last night, even with the useless pills the aids had given me. After a few hours of listening to Connor breathing and staring at the ceiling, I got sick of it. After changing into my favorite pair of worn-out jeans and a white t-shirt, I began wandering the halls, dodging the aids here and there. In the end, I just ended up outside smoking.

***

Hot water ran over my hands. Flicking them dry, I then quickly ran them through my disheveled green hair.

Shutting the water off, I stared into the mirror. My black hair had long since come through, but who had the time or money to keep up with that? Especially cooped up in this piece of crap place where they stuff you full of pills so you sit on the couch looking like a zombie and they won't have to deal with you.

Turning away from my dark-shadowed eyes that were an obvious sign of several sleepless nights, I headed to go get my medicine.

Slowly, I made my way from the bathroom to the counter to get my meds. As the aid got together my pills, I listened in on the conversation the others were having. Breakfast.

"Skiz want to sit with us? August? Lilah?" Conner asked, looking around.

As the aid handed me my pills, Conner asked, "Tyler what about you?"

Downing my meds, I gave a nod.

***

"I'm sorry." I muttered to Conner lowly, my eyes cast out into the people filled street, and took another hit from my cigarette.

Conner didn't even have to ask what I was talking about. When you put two angry kleptomatic kids in one room, they're bound to become friends. He knew I was talked about Anastasia. He wouldn't admit it, especially since her declaring him her bother, but I'm positive he liked her.

Blowing a stream of smoke out the window, I felt myself calm upon seeing it. Turning my head, I eyed up the table the our friends were at. We really are a strange group. I wonder if we would still be friends if we were out in the real world and "normal".

August and Skizzy

August

Skizzy and Derek was a pair I absolutely could not stand. Once the two got together it seemed as if the constant chatter would never stop. Once you got Derek talking about himself you could hardly get him to stop, and Skizzy was soaking in all of it like some type of child. His eyes were wide, pupils dilated from all the meds, so clear, and big, and annoying. I tore into my green pancakes happily, the color tasted like calm, like summer days on the field, it tasted happy and it almost made me want to smile.

Lazily, I surveyed the room. I've been here for nearly three years now and I still don't know everyone's name. I only recognize with the annoying ones, and so far that's been my roommate bitch in orange, Skizzy, and Derek. The rest could disappear and I wouldn't bat an eye.

"Derek, for Christ's sake, shut the hell up, yeah?!"

He threw me his usual 'I-am-holier-than-thou' look and I sent him the finger. Skizzy frowned, obviously upset, and tugged on Derek's shoulder sleeve to get his attention again. He gave him a strange look, but turned back to his attention anyway.

"Jesus," I groaned. With that I got up and stretched, my bones cracking. I felt for my pack of cigarettes in my pocket and lighter. They would do on any other day, but today was Friday - Friday had the worst attitude out of all the days - and I was just calm enough for a regular cig to satisfy me. Quickly I retreated to my room, reached under the mattress, and pulled out another box of cigarettes, but filled with something else that was definitely not a set of Camels.

Weed was hard to get here, but Ms. May liked me, it wasn't hard to sway her mind if I begged long enough, and she always had a soft spot towards me. I sunk down against the wall and lit one up. I opened my window as far as it would go - not very far even after years of working on the bolts - to air out the place a bit.

There was nothing I hated more than this hospital, and weed almost made that okay.

Skizzy

"-and naturally she asked me out to the dance, I mean, why would she not? Have you seen me?"

I nodded excitedly and folded my legs under me on the sofa. Derek was like a blanket, he never stopped talking, it was glorious, I could listen to him for hours on end. I didn't exactly know what he was talking about, all I knew was that I needed to nod whenever he paused, he'd probably go on even if I didn't.

"Derek, for Christ's sake, shut the hell up, yeah?!"

August, always aggravated. She's a bit sassy, but I wouldn't want to be around her for more than an hour unless I had to. Safety concerns. She once told me the color of my eyes gave her headaches, and I suppose with her condition that could be very true. I tried not to look at her too much.

"Am I right?"

I nodded again and smiled widely. I couldn't even hear the voices, it was like a soft buzz at the back of my head.

"What's your last name, Derek?"

"Young."

"I think I saw you on the news once."

Derek Young
I didn't know whether to be happy or irritated on this guy. He was just as much of a freak as the rest of them, but at least he was a good listener. Maybe he even.. No, that was impossible. He couldn't understand me.

"Derek, for Christ's sake, shut the hell up, yeah?!"

I looked up at the girl who had shouted. Another jealous fool who couldn't stand the fact that I was so much better than her in every way that she had no hopes of ever getting even close to my splendor.

"Someone's a bit jealous. Am I right?"

He nodded and smiled. "What's your last name, Derek?"

"Young."

"I think I saw you on the news once."

"You did? When?" I couldn't help but feel a bit worried. I knew they had made a report about me jumping of a building, where my father blamed it all on drugs. Damn idiot.

"I can't remember.. You got some mob guy out of jail."

I smiled at the memory. "That case was my break through as a lawyer. The guy obviously killed that family, all evidence pointed towards it, but I did some digging and apparently the detective in charge of the investigation had some history with the mob. Debts and stuff. So I managed to convince the judge and the jury that the evidence was fabricated, and they let the man walk." I grinned. I had always loved the cases that seemed impossible.

"That's awesome."

I smiled. "Lets get some breakfast. I'm hungry."

I kept talking about this and that while we walked to the canteen. Skizzy - I really needed to find out what he real name was, because Skizzy sounded awful - followed me like a lamb, or perhaps an obedient dog. I was staring to like this guy.