You died, tonight.

Hehe. Loved this, Mum. I was expecting some angsty poem about a guy, and then read the last line and laughed. The only "complaint" I have is that this doesn't really feel like a poem. I mean, you could have just as easily written this out in a couple of paragraphs and I really wouldn't have noticed a difference. If there was some way you could give it more of a lyrical, musical sound to it, I'd feel like it's more of a poem I'm reading. But I also know that you didn't mean for this to be taken so seriously, so that's all I'm going to say about it.

Love you!

This was very deep in the beginning, but in the end it was highly amusing. Good job.

Haha, oh Lord, guys, thanks so much for featuring this!

I'll repeat what Skins said "What does it say about this site when my worse work is featured?"

And RH' yeah, I know, I wrote it quickly when it died while I was rewiewing. Then I went back and looked it over and thought, "hmm, I should work on this, make it more like a poem." But I'd enjoyed writing it so much, I kept it as it is.

BUt...The ice is broken now with this ridiculous poem and I might be able to figure out how to write more *smiles*ç

And Jashy....The literary journal, really? Hmmm good idea....

TheWAlkingDude? Yeah, I agree. I'D actually wondered about that before posting it. Well, glad you enjoyed it

Tanya

It's obvious you had fun writing this.
Well done on being featured. xD

I'll repeat what Skins said "What does it say about this site when my worse work is featured?"

I like being mentioned. It makes me feel special.

Anyway! Ah... This is funny because it's true. I hate my internet connection. Seriously, I once got thrown out of chat because my computer spazzed, and everyone thought I left chat because Bolt had upset me. It was amusing.

I love this, Tanya! I really do. I know sod all about poetry, so I can't review poetry, but I'm here to say that I love this. You should so wrie more poems like this... Maybe even some short stories or something. It's quite sad that this is the first review I've given you since you've been reviewing all of my stuff because this is one bad review. Literally, it's not even a review...

Just keep writing!

xoxo Skinsywinsyginsy.

Hahhaha. I love the ending. So very much

I'll apologize in advance for the spamness, but . . .

OH MY GOSH. LIKE, LIKE, LIKE. *freaks out and hits "Like" button 400 billion times*

*clears throat* Yes, well. I can relate to this piece, unfortunately. I have, like, the Internet connection from the Black Lagoon. But you know, great souls suffer in silence. Or in poetry.

borntobeawriter wrote:

Spoiler

I was going to click the 'submit' button on the tab. I couldn't find it. I realised it was hidden under a serious amount of 'unuse dust'. *coughs*

Yes, it's been a while, people.

So, this is my first ever poem. I'd love your opinions, but please, don't take this seriously at all.
Tanya

You died on me tonight,
you worthless piece of shit.

You’d made me dependant of you.
You’d made me love you.

I was good to you!
I treated you with respect!

Why did you leave me here,
alone, distraught and vulnerable?

Couldn’t you have given me a warning?
A sign? One last chance?

I need you. I want you.
Would you consider coming back?

No?

Burn in hell, Internet Connection.

I this wasn't really a smooth moving. I didn't really understand the last ling

burn in hell, Internet Connection

please explain. But other than that the guy sounds like a jerk and I love how you started off with a bang (for lack of a better word). I'm sure a lot of people have felt like this one time or another; I know I have.

i think that your poem is a very good start to writing poems in general. poems don't always have to ryme though that is what traditional poems do. your poem is....inspiring.
keep writing.

Soap

You died on me tonight,
you worthless piece of shit.

I thought this started the poem really well, although I will admit that it didn't admit too well with the next lines.

You’d made me dependant of you.
You’d made me love you.

For one, dependent is spelled wrong, but we all make simple mistakes. maybe 'You had made me love you'

I was good to you!
I treated you with respect!

I like the emphasis on this line. I could really envision someone saying this, and once I read all the way I realized this was pretty awesome, I've done stuff like this.

Why did you leave me here,
alone, distraught and vulnerable?

Good lines, I think you should maybe end the second line with 'alone.'

Couldn’t you have given me a warning?
A sign? One last chance?

The second line doesn't seem to flow with the first as well

I need you. I want you.
Would you consider coming back?

Good lines, I liked them a lot.

No?

Burn in hell, Internet Connection.

I think these two lines should be conjoined, but I thought they were awesome and funny and totally realistic! Or at least I would've done something like this...

Overall I liked the poem and found it to be good for your first, but I think it could be improved by making the lines rhythmical and or flow better. But keep writing, I like how you write.

borntobeawriter wrote:

Spoiler

I was going to click the 'submit' button on the tab. I couldn't find it. I realised it was hidden under a serious amount of 'unuse dust'. *coughs*

Yes, it's been a while, people.

So, this is my first ever poem. I'd love your opinions, but please, don't take this seriously at all.
Tanya

You died on me tonight,
you worthless piece of shit.

You’d made me dependant of you.
You’d made me love you.

I was good to you!
I treated you with respect!

Why did you leave me here,
alone, distraught and vulnerable?

Couldn’t you have given me a warning?
A sign? One last chance?

I need you. I want you.
Would you consider coming back?

No?

Burn in hell, Internet Connection.

I liked it just not how it ended up being internet connection other than that it was great.

I literally "lol'd". I was really expecting a heart-broken poem, but it was completely different. Epic. Happy new year, by the way.

MissMadHatter

This is awesome. I read it when you first posted it, looked at the first four lines, heavily sighed, and hit the back button. When I saw it was featured I kind of went, "WHAT?" and clicked on it again. After fully reading it, I would dearly like to apologize for my ignorance and stupidity.

Again, this was awesome.


-Coral-

Haha! I actually didn't care if it flowed well or not, but, I just loved the ending! The part that ziggiefred quoted was also my favourite xD. And, congrats on the featured poem, mom! It's your first and it's featured! O.o

Oh Lord, guys, you made me laugh so much with your replies. Thank you!

Melcally - the point was that it was the internet connection, not a guy.

Renn - thanks for the dependent thing. I thought it was another Canadian thing that we spell it one way and others, another. I just looked it up. Thanks!

Warrior Princess - I literally bursted out with laughter when I read your review. Thanks for that.

Coral - Haha. That is sooo funny! Aww, glad you came back

Tanya