You died, tonight.

Spoiler

I was going to click the 'submit' button on the tab. I couldn't find it. I realised it was hidden under a serious amount of 'unuse dust'. *coughs*

Yes, it's been a while, people.

So, this is my first ever poem. I'd love your opinions, but please, don't take this seriously at all.
Tanya

You died on me tonight,
you worthless piece of shit.

You’d made me dependant of you.
You’d made me love you.

I was good to you!
I treated you with respect!

Why did you leave me here,
alone, distraught and vulnerable?

Couldn’t you have given me a warning?
A sign? One last chance?

I need you. I want you.
Would you consider coming back?

No?

Burn in hell, Internet Connection.

Um, I don't really know what to say. It doesn't end the way you think it will. Good poem.

Ha ha ha!!! I've been on YWS after a year now, and that was the first piece I read since I am back. I am glad this was the one I read, it lightened me up.
Cheers!!

I read your poem, and here's what I think about it.

I'm sorry that I think most of the phrases sound really unpoetic or unlyrical. While it's sure good to vent out your frustration/aggression (that what I feel you were doing when I read it, personally) through writing a poem, it's important to maintain a certain rhyme or flow. I see very little flow in the poem.

borntobeawriter wrote:

Spoiler

I was going to click the 'submit' button on the tab. I couldn't find it. I realised it was hidden under a serious amount of 'unuse dust'. *coughs*

Yes, it's been a while, people.

So, this is my first ever poem. I'd love your opinions, but please, don't take this seriously at all.
Tanya

You died on me tonight,
you worthless piece of shit.

You’d made me dependant of you.
You’d made me love you.

I was good to you!
I treated you with respect!

Why did you leave me here,
alone, distraught and vulnerable?

Couldn’t Avoid contractions in formal writing. you have given me a warning?
A sign? One last chance?Does not make sense to me.

I need you. I want you.
Would you consider coming back?

No?

Burn in hell, Internet Connection.

LMFAO. That was great.
[b]I did not have much to say about this poem, but it made me laugh.[/b]

I agree with cupcake that it doesn't end the way you think it will.Well that was fun.

Keep posting!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

LIke I said, it was not meant to be taken seriously. I know it didn't flow or anything, I simply wanted to try it out and laugh a little.

Cheers!

Tanya

Hello there

This was really funny. At first, before I got to the end, I thought we were talking about a man. Anyway, this was hilarious.

I need you. I want you.
Would you consider coming back?

No?

Burn in hell, Internet Connection.

This bit was my favourite.
Since it's not meant to be taken seriously, I'll stop here. You should write more poetry.
Keep writing and good luck.

Hey Wife!

Oh wow, you've explored your inner poet. How wonderful, did you enjoy writing this? Because I have the feeling you did. At first I thought it was another love cliche poem about a break-up or some sort but I had faith in you! Of course, like always, you don't disappoint me. I loved the ending, as others have already said, its unpredictable. Ah, how the internet connection tears at our hearts. :'( The evil little heartbreaker...

Anyway, it was quite a simplistic poem with easy flow and no weird words that makes you pull out a dictionary. This means there isn't much to critique about it. It was really good, I liked it!

^.^)b
-Pink

Howdy, BTBW!

Complete curveball. Hit straight outta left field. Resembling to the Taco Mayo Commercials (if you've never seen or heard of it, don't worry; they always do something completely weird then go "Wow, THAT was TOTALLY unexpected!"). At first, my mind was thinking cliche, cliche, cliche. A love/hate poem. I almost didn't want to read it to be honest, as I've been reading far too many of those. But then the end hit me. Comedy gold, I say! My one and only trouble was the language. You're using swears in it. Now, me, I don't mind swears (I tend to write them almost as much as I speak them) and I think that for the purpose of this poem, they suit quite nicely. But that doesn't mean there won't be people that go after this saying that the cussing takes away from the artistic character of the poetry and degrades the writer. I'm not saying you should listen to those people, but still, it could happen. All in all, great poem.

The ending made me gigglesnort. I have felt that way, way to often. I love how it was utterly, and absolutely cliche in the beginning--or so I had thought. The ending threw me off completely, and I love that. Wonderful poem!

I wish my first poem was as clever as this one. You should continue writing poetry.

Good luck!
And have a happy New Year!

Alright, so, I though this was going to be some lovy dovey poem about how someone's lover died in their arms.

Thank you for that pleasant surprise.

I really enjoyed that, and how you lead me on with the title.
Your flow and everything was good, I like how it was short stanzas.
That really worked.

~WickedWonder

That was pretty epic. That's all I ca say about it, sorry. XD

Haha! I know your pain. My internet connection has failed me way too often. It's a goofy poem about a common pain. XD I love it.
-K7

Oh I love this. Funny. Full of feeling. Universal theme. Anyway here at YWS would certainly relate to this. HAHAHAHA... Epic, Mom. Dearly epic. XD Pass it for the journal. You rock!