Check How Much You've Grown

April 4th, 2005 wrote:It is a bit dark, and very rhythmic. Could do with another verse, in my opinion, but other than that, it is well-written.

November 8, 2006 wrote:lol, that's very...unique? I'm glad I'm not on the same car ride as you.

It's really good, but I have one problem with it. you decribe too much. Every little detail is decribed, so much that you forget whats going on and it takes away from the story.

Wow! That was great! I agree, for a 40 minute story it was really good. I didn't see anything wrong with it but, then again, I'm new to this site so I may not be too thorough with looking for those things just yet.

But still, really good

little WD wrote:I thought that was really neat. In pain, we learn. It is very true. The rhyming was smooth which was nice. It was beautiful and short. It could use a little more description in my opinion and it didn't really move me, but it was well-written.
-writersdomain

Evi wrote:Hi! I thought this looked very interesting, so it's going to be my first critique on the entire site! You should be vey flattered.

I always thought dying would be easy. But this isn’t easy. This is agony,
agony,
agony,
agony,
agony.
Painpainpainpainpainpain.

I love the first line, and the repeated agony is good for effect. But the 'painpainpain' bothers me. We get it, they're in pain. That's what you got across with the whole 'agony' thing. Maybe something a little more in-tune with their thoughts besides that they're in pain; what are they thinking? "Get it over with?" Are they having flashbacks?

The murderer leaves the room, the door swings close softly, and their victim gasps, gulping up their last, precious breaths. There is no drop of blood on the sheets or the flagstones. Their eyelids flutter and scrunch themselves up as they try to shut out the pain. Then, for a moment, all is still.

Cut the 'up' after gulping. Gulping down, maybe, but it sounds best just as 'gulping'. And, also, is there a particular reason the victim is referred to as 'they'? Unless it's some big mystery, I'd like to know if it's a he or a she.

Dying is the hardest thing to do. But death… death will be easy…

Death, the afterlife, heaven, hell...if he/she is assuming it'll be easy, I'm guessing they think they're headed to a better place? Dying is a serious moment. What is your victim thinking? Are they thinking about their killer? What comes next? Family or friends they're leaving behind? Let us into their heads!

She lets out the tiniest, most miserable sob so far. Bill sits with her and squeezes her hand, anger raging within him.

There haven't been any other sobs so far. Maybe, "She lets out a tiny, miserable sob."

“One, two, three,” Jennifer said commandingly, and they tugged, then held their hands out to grab the cake as it came down.
They missed by a quarter of an inch and it landed upside-down on his face.

Jennifer commanded, or Jennifer said. 'Commandingly' is a little awkward to me. And I don't understand how, if they're sitting at a table, the cake could land on his face. He'd have to be lying on the table at an exact angle, or crouching behind it for it to hit him.

I like this whole next paragraph a lot, except for one thing. Fourteen year old girls don't often say 'Silly Billy'. I get what you're trying to convey, but it just sounds juvenile.

“Neither can I,” he murmurs, holding Jen’s hand, and looking at the beginnings of grey dawn outside. “Neither can I.”

It's been so long since the "I can't believe it!" portion that I was wondering what Bill was saying this for. I'm not really sure it's a big deal, but it took me a moment to make the connection.

WARNING! WARNING! Here in this next paragraph, you switch from present tense to past. I noticed it earlier, but thought perhaps it was just a one-time prologue-ish deal. Please, pick one and stick to it.

He was unaware of the dark speck of dirt on his crooked nose that Jen was reluctant to point out, preferring to see lady's reactions when they saw it and giggling into her hand.

"...preferring to see a lady's reaction when she saw it, giggling into her hand."

OR

"...preferring to see ladies' reactions when they saw it and giggled into their hands."

OR something along those lines that makes more sense grammatically. I like this bit, though. It characterizes Jen more.

Like every other girl, she was already a little bit in love with him, his unique turquoise eyes and the golden hair that went with the name

No need to put golden in italics, methinks. It is rather distracting.

Over the next few paragraphs, you switch tenses again from present to past and back and forth. Decide on one.

"Oh yes!" she said delightedly exclaimed and he slipped it onto her finger.

I like the next paragraph about her finding Henry cheating on her. I also like the paragraph after that, with Elsa remarking about Jen and Bill. It's good to see Jen from another's view.

And then, it talks about Elsa telling Henry he must stop courting Jen before she'll let their relationship begin. How does Elsa feel saying this? Does she wish to be with him? Is this just to get him to stay away? Let us into her head.

Forgive me, I'm getting tires and my parents are calling me for dinner. Let me go ahead and skip these next few paragraphs about Elsa and Henry (which are very good, might I add) and the letter from Henry (which I also like) and go straight to the ending, which is very, very effective. I love how you tie their different stories together at the end, but maybe give us a little more time with one of them before switching to the next? And, another thing, I now realize why you don't give the gender at the beginning. So ignore my above suggestion and keep it as it is.

But you could add a bit more suspense, a bit more description towards the end. It's kind of sudden to me. Maybe give us emotions, thoughts, descriptions of the setting, descriptions of each others faces. Anything.

I really, really enjoyed this. Will you be posting any more? Or will it end at Elsa's death? Either way, I think it tied together very well at the end. Sorry for not being more in-depth. There were a lot of other things I'd like to have touched on, but I simply ran out of time.

~Evi

Wow, i thought that was really well written. The ideas in the text all fit together and create a perfect image

Very interesting, Sureal. And that whole time I was sure we were talking about Jesus, lol. Nice twist. I am not sure if it is just my own habits when I write, but when I use quotes when the charactor is talking, I ususlly start a new line, not always, but usually. Seems to help keep it clean.

But other than that, it was good. Great job!!

It was good, I enjoyed reading it. It had me hooked and everything but, like the others above wrote, the villians are a cliche type (sorry). And the protagonist? Who is she? Whose her daddy dearest?Why do these villains want to kill the king? I'm sure these questions will be answered in the chapters to come. Please do write more. I must know what happens next!

well i can not fully critique it being its so short and not really finishing but pretty good for about half a pages worth on a books page

"She straightened and ran a wet hand through her greying hair. She gazed at the headstone with the strangest expression. Her eyes were cool as she said: “You always were fascinated with angles and ghosts.”

I think you mean "Angels" here, other then that I couldn't find any more errors.

"Mum clutched the bright yellow flowers she had bought on the way to her chest. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, painfully noticing how thin she was."

Try "She had bought flowers on the car ride over, and was now holding them close to her heart."

Or something like that

My first review wrote:

Howler wrote:Twenty years. Twenty full years since I was in this house.

This was one of my favourite openings. I know you're writing non-fiction but this start is simple and at the same time brilliantly gripping. With writing like that you'll go far. You've captivated me in this tale and I'm definately going to read any more of your works, so keep them coming! Flawless in my opinion . I'm not too good at spotting any grammatical errors =D so I'll leave you with positive feedback only

Howler wrote:“Does dad have brown eyes” I asked to my mother.



“I believe so. Why?”



“No reason. Let’s finish supper”.

Oh and this was a fantastic bit of dialogue (: Consider writing some fiction, I reckon you'd be very good at it!

Big_Cheesy_Grin wrote:I really like this, having been on the recieving end of some very untactful remarks. Just to be nitpicky though, well because I'm me,

bailecielo wrote:Tact
A question without an answer,
do I have to show about?
Rhetorical.

Maybe it's obvious the meaning of this and I'm just being dense, but I'm not completely understanding it.

It really is great, though, well done.