I would genuinely say that this is one of my stories on the site
... did I hear someone say "master of lulznez"?
I would genuinely say that this is one of my stories on the site
This is my first Critique! Yay! I hope I do good...
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After a heavy lunch at his at his uncle’s farmhouse
you repeated 'as his'
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He inquired from the villagers what they knew about the issue.
He inquired from the villagers what they knew about two things- the road was strictly forbidden and that it had been recently, about a week ago, declared as evil and ghostly.
I think you could get rid of the whole first sentence, since you practically repeat yourself both times.
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The road was a long one-each of Bruce’s steps lad him deeper into the unknown.
led
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and in middle
And in the middle?
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He would search for its mother next day.
The next day?
It was a pretty good story, but I think you started off really quickly and did a lot more telling instead of showing. I liked it though. I really think you could have made the story more suspenseful or something, it just sort of goes and goes and because you tell a lot, instead of show, its sort of...daunting? Though it is good. I liked the plot though, it was interesting and pretty good for a school assignment.
It is a very powerful poem.
I like the stanza that talks about the bird and the plane. Because it is a saying that everyone knows, it makes it very very deep somehow. And I like the way you worded it.
Strive to make things better. They will eventually.
This is really pretty, an awesome way of showing what an impact people can have on life. In a few words, you've shown what this girl was like.
I loved the metaphor at the end. My only complaint would be that you let it run through the whole story, although I appreciate that that would be really difficult to do, so don't worry about it...
Is it just me, or does this have a Lovely Bones feel to it?
To me, it's more like a poem as well, but a very nice poemI always wonder if it was worse to not hear or to not see? And most of time, I really can't make it up.
How the goodness do you pronounce Aλλαγή?
Really good so far
Moderator: Please do not curse! Thanks.
lol people do usually write in diaries evryday but I would make sure that everything i the diaries you choose to add are relevant to the stroline...
Tears.
A very original topic, and didn't know non-ficiotn could be so interesting!
:shock:. Shocked i really enjoyed reading your story, it was bloody fantastic (for a 13yr old or otherwise). the idea of music-magic while not entirely original (it has been used by Alison Croggon + Janny Wurts), is awesome especially given that it has your own unique take on the idea.
Bravo. :Wink:
Hey,
here are some things you can fix up and tighten:Glen dug his hands even farther into his pocket, [s]seeming to[/s] searching for a warmth that just wasn’t there.He looked up the tree up ahead with large gray eyes.
at - not up.To Glen however that festive had already been ruined.
festive what?
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Ed was always a horrible prankster and was always trying [s]testing[/s] newly brainstormed pranks on his smaller brother
redundantLuckily Glen was not one to give into temptation; [s]for[/s] the sky would provide him with no answers.
unnecessary, flows more thus.He’d been so [s]fucking[/s] angry about that.
The first 'fucking' came in the sentence before this and was quite shocking; came from nowhere, jarred. Good effect. This second one ruins that effect. Cut it.and surgically removed hadn’t mad a difference to Ed’s laughing gob
madeGlen flushed and looked up to see that one of them indeed did have pink hair.
swap indeed and did around - or better yet just cut 'indeed'He refused to glance back towards that bench where the potential love of his life was precariously perched
Huh? Random. Not just the running away but the identification of the girl as 'potential love of his life' seems unwarranted and undeserved. And then, suddenly, he's home? I'm confused. Why is he at the bus stop? Why is he out at all? If he's so close to home that a short run will get him there?
The biggest issue with the piece is the sudden shift in tone. Prior to him reaching his apartment, Glen comes across as a small boy, or awkward teen. Possibly as a mentally deficient adult. Suddenly, he's a functioning adult? Major shift in tone and description; it's abrupt and inconsistent.What a liar, Glen thought.
And again, shift in tone from adult, to child-like phrasing. "Liar" or "Lying bitch" would seem more natural in this sudden, adult environ. Be more consistent with your phrasing, dialogue, register, etc and character in general.There was a few letters missing in the title
There were
--
Aside from those small issues - and the major character inconsistency - this was well written. Your descriptions are nice and simple; fresh. Glen doesn't feel very engaging right now, I must say. If this is to be "character driven" you need to seriously tear him apart and rebuild him into a complete person, rather than fractured amalgamation of boy-man persona's.
Good stuff
what?! edit edit edit edit, way too much slang and chit chat!
[edited by Adam_Atlantian to restore the shape of the forum.]
wow. wow. this was really great, really original. the only thing i would change maybe is when you say
"his literacy master plan"
it seems kind of weird, and i'm not sure what that means, so i would suggest:
"his literary master plan"
anyway, it doesn't really matter, just a humble opinion. Very Happy
oh mon dieu. this is really amazing.
i loved the imagery. i think it is really beautiful. you go from roses to stars to black holes to cosmic dust (nice astronomy, by the way) to angels to demons to humans. i love how they're mostly opposites too, like maybe you're this! or this! and i get that feeling of somebody that you cannot figure out.
my favorite part: If my world were to be shattered,
you would share your world with me,
but if you saw my world,
you would only retreat to your world,
and you would never suffer my world again.
amazing.
i don't like the title though, it seems a little boring. are you writing about love? it sounds like it. it sounds like you're saying, "i love you, each and every one of you, i love you all". anyway, great work. (:
Well. It's not bad for two minutes, but
honestly..
it's not good.
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I am shot with a thousand arrows... Going right through my still beating heart,
This line is not a strong opening. The writing is awkward, and the concept of arrow through heart has been used over and over.
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Pain is all I feel... Too much pain...
What kind of pain is it? Physical? Emotional? Why are you feeling it? Just saying "I feel pain" is too vague.
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But I am gland,
‘Cos you are the one shooting...
Sorry, I'm a grammar nazi: you meant glad, right? and 'cos is not a word--if you don't want to use 'because' at least use 'cause'. Also, because the first line is so long, it might fit better if these to lines were combined.
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I have been pierced right through my dying heart,
The knife has rent it apart...
I thought you were being shot with arrows? And I'm not sure 'rent' is the right word to use. And again, because the first line is so long, it's awkward to read it with the rhyming next line. It would be pretty easy to shorten it: "You have pierced my heart" or something.
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Pain is all I feel... Too much pain..
Again the vague pain. It wasn't very good the first time, so I'm still not feeling it.
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But I am glad,
‘Cos you are the one killing me...
And more repetition. Some repetition is good, to tie the poem together, but this one simply does not have enough substance--from this stanza, two lines were a little bit different and then the next three were exactly the same.
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My body rots,
My blood runs cold,
I am a walking corpse.
This I like. The meter or beat is great: I say it in my head and can hear it like MY boDY rots MY blood RUNS cold etc. That's good.
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But I cannot die.
For you are the one keeping me alive...
Oh no! This doesn't work. It feels too dramatic (along with the first two verses). Obviously you're writing about love, but it's really vague. And in this part the punctuation doesn't work--if you read it normally it's But I cannot die. For you are the one... The second part is a fragment. I would suggest nothing there, not even a comma--let the line break do it's work. This goes for the rest of the poem as well. I noticed you use a lot of "..."s, which takes away from the words. You don't need the dot dot dots to emphasize your work. When poetry is read, a line break indicates a pause anyway.
I think if you keep working on it it can be good. But right now it is way to vague for readers to be interested and it lacks a lot of substance and leaves me like, "huh?" And if you are going to use tired cliches, like the arrows, BE CONSISTENT WITH THEM!!
Hope I wasn't too harsh Very Happy
I don't outline, at all
It takes out all of the fun
I can always think of a character but never their name
I always am like 'ooh this character will be like this and that, and this.'
When I try to figure out a name I just blank out.
Then I wake up at 2:00 in the morning with the name of the character
I liked that story. It kept my interest the whole time, unlike others I have read. The description of the girl was great when you were talking about how her hair looked and stuff. However, I think you could have described the boy. I wondered how he might've looked. Overall, it was really good. Keep it up!
I have a feeling my first review is gonna be a bit harsh but I feel I must be...truthful. In my honest opinion, this bit, hard. And a lot of this reason is because, well, there is no way you can make any one's morning routine interesting. It's positively impossible.
Not too mention, the whole story is extremely flat and reminded me instantly of my early stuff, back when every little tiny thing I wrote felt like it perfection on the page. But, well, where ever this is going (because I couldn't even read past the first 5 or 6 paragraphs), its not gonna have a strong plot or character base.
It's key to remember that the story isn't in the actions of the character, it's in the reaction of the character. Ask yourself "What would Jazmyn do if ____ did ______ to _______?" and other such questions. Write it down, create different scenarios. This will allow you to form a strong character base.
I think that your main problem is in the fact that you're over eager and young. The moment you finish something, you deem it complete but this isn't so. You have to take time, re-read your work, read other works, read your work again. Compare your writing and professional writing. Find what you can do to improve but maintain a unique voice.
One activity I actually tried was to attempt to mimic the writing style of my idol Anne Rice after reading "Pandora." From there, I edited and re-edited the story, adding my own voice to the story. It was good practice and helped me develop my own writing voice.
Oh, and yeah, remember the 2:1 thing or its off with her head...metaphorically of course.
Ahaha, I super love this little poem! ^_^
I love it because of the juxtaposition of the age-old topic of stars and the solar system, and how everyone wonders at them with reverence and your nonchalant way of dealing with them in this poem.
One of the best lines is how you speak of how fish were oil, coal was diamonds, and we were. Because of expecting the parallel structure to continue with the last item, but being surprised to see that there is no word to finish the phrase, it brings our attention directly to that place. Or mine, anyways.
I also like the mention of brain power and its cost; thought that was particularly brilliant, though the phrase before that, with the 'million, billion stars' is a bit rough, perhaps because of punctuation. Maybe just refine that section a smidge and you'll have a beautiful, STELLAR {if you don't mind my pun} work. ^_^ Good work.
Well, I don't really have any mechanical advice to give, but I'm hoping that my reaction might help you and give you an idea as to how your poem sounds to others and if that's what you were going for.
In the first two lines, one thing that strikes me is the placement of 'now' on the end of the second line, thus grouping it with the first sentence rather than the second. So, pondering upon that fact, I wondered if it was to emphasize the impending death with words that illustrate immediateness. That's my conjecture anyways, whether that's what you intended or not.
Another point I pondered upon was whether 'my life, my love' referred to two different things or if the narrator's love WAS his very life, which would speak of his will to live. Of course, this theory gets thrown away when you start to speak of 'lips to faces' which, in my mind, shows lovers holding each other close, yes?
The tone I get from it, all in all, is that the narrator is in a position he cannot hope to escape from with his life and his regret that he will no longer be able to live. ^_^ Hope my response can help a bit and sorry if it was useless~
its good...i like the way you wrote the story...
i can feel the emotion being written down and that the mood was perfect for such a case.
i can tell that this would be an interesting story
go ...
I really liked that and dont hav much to say about it actually
I agree with tori1234 the flow is lost in the first stanza but u pick it up after wards ( or its the other way around ur desicion)
The imagery you put into it is superb u must have worked really hard one this
ur tone has a lot of feeling in it
the only thing is the "...." you put between "Waiting for that call" and "that will unwreck it all."
Congrats on a job well done!
Pm me if u change anything
(lolz)
125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
