Crabs are actually quite intelligent creatures. They have the amazing ability to scare of both little girls AND grown men. Nifty, no?
Ouch. My eyes... THEY BURN! Heh, sorry, but maybe put a line inbetween each pargrpah (it'll only take you a couple of seconds). Trust me - it'll make it easier on the eyes and chances are, more people will read.
Hi! I thought this looked very interesting, so it's going to be my first critique on the entire site! You should be vey flattered.
Quote:
I always thought dying would be easy. But this isn’t easy. This is agony,
agony,
agony,
agony,
agony.
Painpainpainpainpainpain.
I love the first line, and the repeated agony is good for effect. But the 'painpainpain' bothers me. We get it, they're in pain. That's what you got across with the whole 'agony' thing. Maybe something a little more in-tune with their thoughts besides that they're in pain; what are they thinking? "Get it over with?" Are they having flashbacks?
Quote:
The murderer leaves the room, the door swings close softly, and their victim gasps, gulping up their last, precious breaths. There is no drop of blood on the sheets or the flagstones. Their eyelids flutter and scrunch themselves up as they try to shut out the pain. Then, for a moment, all is still.
Cut the 'up' after gulping. Gulping down, maybe, but it sounds best just as 'gulping'. And, also, is there a particular reason the victim is referred to as 'they'? Unless it's some big mystery, I'd like to know if it's a he or a she.
Quote:
Dying is the hardest thing to do. But death… death will be easy…
Death, the afterlife, heaven, hell...if he/she is assuming it'll be easy, I'm guessing they think they're headed to a better place? Dying is a serious moment. What is your victim thinking? Are they thinking about their killer? What comes next? Family or friends they're leaving behind? Let us into their heads!
Quote:
She lets out the tiniest, most miserable sob so far. Bill sits with her and squeezes her hand, anger raging within him.
There haven't been any other sobs so far. Maybe, "She lets out a tiny, miserable sob."
Quote:
“One, two, three,” Jennifer said commandingly, and they tugged, then held their hands out to grab the cake as it came down.
They missed by a quarter of an inch and it landed upside-down on his face.
Jennifer commanded, or Jennifer said. 'Commandingly' is a little awkward to me. And I don't understand how, if they're sitting at a table, the cake could land on his face. He'd have to be lying on the table at an exact angle, or crouching behind it for it to hit him.
I like this whole next paragraph a lot, except for one thing. Fourteen year old girls don't often say 'Silly Billy'. I get what you're trying to convey, but it just sounds juvenile.
Quote:
“Neither can I,” he murmurs, holding Jen’s hand, and looking at the beginnings of grey dawn outside. “Neither can I.”
It's been so long since the "I can't believe it!" portion that I was wondering what Bill was saying this for. I'm not really sure it's a big deal, but it took me a moment to make the connection.
WARNING! WARNING! Here in this next paragraph, you switch from present tense to past. I noticed it earlier, but thought perhaps it was just a one-time prologue-ish deal. Please, pick one and stick to it.
Quote:
He was unaware of the dark speck of dirt on his crooked nose that Jen was reluctant to point out, preferring to see lady's reactions when they saw it and giggling into her hand.
"...preferring to see a lady's reaction when she saw it, giggling into her hand."
OR
"...preferring to see ladies' reactions when they saw it and giggled into their hands."
OR something along those lines that makes more sense grammatically. I like this bit, though. It characterizes Jen more.
Quote:
Like every other girl, she was already a little bit in love with him, his unique turquoise eyes and the golden hair that went with the name
No need to put golden in italics, methinks. It is rather distracting.
Over the next few paragraphs, you switch tenses again from present to past and back and forth. Decide on one.
Quote:
"Oh yes!" she said delightedly exclaimed and he slipped it onto her finger.
I like the next paragraph about her finding Henry cheating on her. I also like the paragraph after that, with Elsa remarking about Jen and Bill. It's good to see Jen from another's view.
And then, it talks about Elsa telling Henry he must stop courting Jen before she'll let their relationship begin. How does Elsa feel saying this? Does she wish to be with him? Is this just to get him to stay away? Let us into her head.
Forgive me, I'm getting tires and my parents are calling me for dinner. Let me go ahead and skip these next few paragraphs about Elsa and Henry (which are very good, might I add) and the letter from Henry (which I also like) and go straight to the ending, which is very, very effective. I love how you tie their different stories together at the end, but maybe give us a little more time with one of them before switching to the next? And, another thing, I now realize why you don't give the gender at the beginning. So ignore my above suggestion and keep it as it is.
But you could add a bit more suspense, a bit more description towards the end. It's kind of sudden to me. Maybe give us emotions, thoughts, descriptions of the setting, descriptions of each others faces. Anything.
I really, really enjoyed this. Will you be posting any more? Or will it end at Elsa's death? Either way, I think it tied together very well at the end. Sorry for not being more in-depth. There were a lot of other things I'd like to have touched on, but I simply ran out of time.
~Evi
Cool!
the start had me a bit confused, but it got better and better as it went along.
It sounds like it's going to be great!
keep up the good work
Wow! That is amazing! I really like the idea that you have, and you have creative names and things. You are really creative, and I can't wait to read the rest! Continue to post in threads, cuz its easier to read.
I am new here, and I want some people to read the stuff that I write too, so be sure to check it out!!!!
bigbadbear....
I like it. I don't know if you meant this, but I noticed you didn't reveal much about the characters and keeping alot of it a mystery. It sets up a type of suspense. I like writing stuff like that too. All the other reviews before me already pointed out all the grammar and spelling mistakes.
Thanks everyone. I know alot of you guys (I was about to y'all, but that's not really proper) said I need to add more description....
I would say that this is a very good story. I very much enjoyed it and I couldn't see anything wrong. Well, I hadn't read the previous installations to this so I couldn't understand much. Well, there was one little thing:
Quote:
“Get over it.” He retaliated
I believe that it should be "Get over it," he retaliated
Great job and keep writing!
Good. Not really my thing, but I specifically liked the last two lines of the first stanza and the last lines of the last stanza. Good work.
Alainna wrote:The irony used in this story works really well and as the story progresses you find yourself willing her not to take the pills. It's a great piece.
I'll be looking out for more of your stuff because this is really good.
PenguinAttack wrote:Oh nice... lol. I quite liked that, and obviously look forward to the rest. As you know, if you can recall who I am =] I've seen your work, this I like best so far.
Small criticism, in the first couple of paragraphs you repeat "the man" and while techinically sound, it begins to sound stilted in the mind, the repetition that is. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. =]
I love it, but I'd use a capital M for Michaelangelo! Your imagery is amazing, and the enjambment helped it flow which I think helped create the peaceful nature of the poem.
I would genuinely say that this is one of my stories on the site so far. I really enjoyed reading it, mostly because this is the type of book I am into.
It is an interesting take to a novel, but you pulled it off very well. I really enjoyed reading it and would like to see more. I'll go and have a look at chapter one now...
Overall, I liked it and you have talent. This goes into detail, but so much that I found myself drifting away!
Good luck
125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
