yoha_ahoy

Very cute story. And I agree with KJ, a different hook is very much needed. I thought it to be quite amateur which is quite contradictory to the quality of ...

Very good. I enjoyed your style as well. Just one big thing I noticed, being an artist myself... “Oh, I don’t know,” Marianne lingers behind him, careful to keep her ...

Wow, sorry this took me so long to get to, but I'm still hooked! I read straight through from sentence one which is quite the hook. I'm thinking maybe it's ...

I hope you can open MS Word docs. If not, let me know and I'll fix it. ;) Overall: Overall, I felt like your dialogue is lacking. You need stronger ...

I could twist and toss this feeling, or throw it to the wind, alas still, like your lingering presence It will be there, etched on my eyelids Why the random ...

Questions: 1. Is this post a good length, or would you rather I post longer/shorter segments at a time? Perfect posting length for me. Only take a couple minutes to ...

Dark, empty and confined in a lightless, dirty room within a thousand screaming , [comma] listless[s],[/s] [no comma] -when you're listing two descriptions, you need commas between them, but not ...

I like this. It's creepy but it's good. First, I like the repetition especially as in this part: "as eyes met eyes, mouth met mouth, flesh met flesh," Awesome. Then, ...

"Songs were about [s]busses[/s] buses ," I know it looks weird, but I believe that's how it's spelled. "Cuts were wha t happened when you fell over," Typo. "Ro m ...

This is a beautiful first attempt at poetry! But as Adna said, it could be so much better if you expanded on this. You've got a good concept here, but ...

I like it so far! "little comments spew from their mouths like vomit of the tongue." I'd move this line break to be like so. Good, good! I think it ...

Welcome to the YWS! This is sort of cute and short. But too short. I don't really have much to say about it other than you really need to expand ...

This is quite simple, but one thing I think would make this infinitely better, is to take off the tags. i.e. "Sight, Sound, Touch, Smell, Taste." Then see if they ...

"Who shades the burning sun of Aloneness. When my family Laugh at the dinner table." Aloneness and Laugh should be lowercase unless you're trying to creat emphasis (which doesn't feel ...

Welcome to the YWS! "But words fail me, My pen bleeds... I ponder for words With my pen blotting the paper" The repetition of "words" and "pen" in this bothers ...