Published May 10, 2008
That Night
I have not come
to the lake
to confess
my sins. For
that night
was the first
and the only time
we would ever be full of
joy.
That familiar,
unspeakable
passion that we
had concealed
for so long
burst forth.
I had forsaken
innocence, sealed both
our fates.
For
as eyes met
eyes,
mouth met
mouth,
flesh met
flesh,
I felt her
face sink under
the guise
of my guilt:
my lover,
my partner,
my half-
sister.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I like this. It's creepy but it's good. First, I like the repetition especially as in this part:
"as eyes met
eyes,
mouth met
mouth,
flesh met
flesh,"
Awesome. Then, I love the shape of it as you keep each line narrow, it makes the poem seem longer though it is quite short. Not many people pay that much attention to the poem and if they do, it usually can't be this narrow. It works very well here though. Great work! Keep writing!
~Yoyo
ahola!
unlike the others i think i saw the line pattern... on not so much patter but as a dramatic shape to take a breath sort of as to like you were crying and saying the words through your tears. otherwise... you could've gone for iambic pentameter. (ex. i AM i AM i AM. louder on the 2nd syllable. like clapping it out.) sorry if i confused you. however i did have a little confusino were you trying to say your in love with your half sister. honestly i think that would suck. but kinda sad and makes you want to have sympathy for the writer. my suggestion here is go further with this as to saying how much you love her and excatuly why its forbidden and what would happen if others found out. and bc you said " my lover" im assuming she loves you back. but if she didnt and you love her and she doesnt know... explore the possilbiltys in the characters mind of what would happen if she found out.
hope this helps. keep it up
nightmare.
It was good, but I agree with the others...Lining was terrble. Got me cofused really...Yer gonna wanta check that...
Death
Well, the good news is, I really liked some of these phrases. You really had something going. The bad new is, it was really hard to read with all the lines in the middle of sentances. I think it would make a lot of difference if you reworded and reset a few things.
Cheers!
~Eden
Hmm... I really don't read this kind of poetry, so I don't know what to expect.
I found your lining a little weird, like in this:
"I had forsaken
innocence, sealed both
our fates.
For
as eyes met
eyes,"
The sentence begins in the previous stanza and there's an empty line between - is it somehow necessary? Also, the stanzas could be equal. That's all I have for now.
Kind regards
Demeter