Published May 11, 2008
When the sheets of clear blue water
break relentlessly over and under me
so that I am immersed; out of my depth.
With my heart pounding in me like when
the nurse just slapped breath into me.
That’s when I’m truly alive.
And when the dream still lingers
above me when the morning sun
hits my blankets, in that state of blissful
oblivion, like when nightmares run
in fear of daybreak. For my friend,
Who shades the burning sun of
Aloneness. When my family
Laugh at the dinner table.
If the note of our song,
brings the pain of tears in my throat.
Or the crumpled picture is held dear, breaking
in my hand. Like when you showed me
your deepest secrets, and the lifelines on your palm.
The silence when you know it’s coming,
and the room and the world erupts in applause.
When the person who has been hiding,
in the wings for all those years, finally steps
forward, and covers your eyes with their hands,
to say those immortal words:
"I’m going to turn your world upside down."
For that girl. For that boy. For the kiss.
When you take that moment, with the sky
above you and the solid ground beneath you,
and realize that you are the smallest and biggest
thing to ever greet the world and change it.
That is when we are truly alive.
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141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
"Who shades the burning sun of
You're close, and with some work it could be even better! Keep writing!
Aloneness. When my family
Laugh at the dinner table."
Aloneness and Laugh should be lowercase unless you're trying to creat emphasis (which doesn't feel necessary to me) and shouldn't "laugh" be "laughs?"
"[s]and[/s] the room and the world erupts in applause."
I'd take out the "and" it reads awkwardly.
Wow. I absolutely love the last stanza. My favorite part of the whole poem. Wonderfully written and very powerful. Why not work on making the rest of the poem like it?
~Yoyo
I like this poem mostly it was well written, this stanza here though:
Scrub it, otherwise, no other problem.
Overall: This earns a star, just get rid of second stanza. Okay.
Good luck
VSN
Beautiful poem, once again. And once again, hard to review. I just don't know why that is. But nevertheless, I'm going to try.
In my opinion, the second stanza was somehow random. Not because of the words, but because of the structure. It feels like every point and capitalized letter is in the wrong place. I couldn't really concentrate on reading it, which is a shame because it has nice meaning.
"With my heart pounding in me like when
the nurse just slapped breath into me. "
What's this? A little odd, I think. Slapped breath? Okay - but that doesn't quite fit in this poem. I hope I was of any help
D