Published May 17, 2008
I could twist and toss
this feeling,
or throw it to the wind,
alas still, like your lingering presence
It will be there, etched on my eyelids
when I close my eyes on my pillow.
I miss you.
I’ve admitted it, alright?
I could imagine a storm,
create a masterpiece of
a world when you and me
are there.
But I’m left standing
on a cliff, calling out
for your hand, your love-
to the dawn-reddening
Western skies.
Nothing.
Not even an echo.
Forget counting the days,
In my mind I count you.
Your memories,
your skin, your soul
The laugh. That laugh.
My palms open and close,
the empty void of longing
rising like balloons overhead,
In no hurry to burst.
Do you stare at your ceiling?
Missing life for missing me?
Do tempestuous thoughts of us,
be your only company?
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,413 Reviews
I liked the voice of your poem. It had that desperate feeling in the speaker's words... made me feel like he was really missing that girl... the grammar needs a little work... but hey... I won't dog on you for that when I know mine isn't any better... The one line was a little akward:
I agree with the suggestion above: maybe make it into "become your only company?" or something along those lines. You could (if you're willing to change a little more) make it: "Are tempestuous thoughts of us your only company?"Overall it was an adorable and sad poem. I LOVED it!
I could twist and toss
this feeling,
or throw it to the wind,
alas still, like your lingering presence
It will be there, etched on my eyelids Why the random capital on "It"?
when I close my eyes on my pillow.
You generally need more consistent punctuation in this stanza that makes sense. Right now, it doesn't.
I miss you.
I’ve admitted it, alright? Cute.
I could imagine a storm,
create a masterpiece of a world
when you and me are there.
But I’m left standing on a cliff,
calling out for your hand, your love-
to the dawn-reddening Western skies.
Your line break in this stanza are awkward. Try not to break them in the middle of a phrase or idea unless it serves a poetic purpose. Almost none of these did so I adjusted them.
Nothing.
Not even an echo.
Forget counting the days,
in my mind I count you. No capital "in."
Your memories,
your skin, your soul
The laugh. That laugh. Nice use of repetition.
My palms open and close,
the empty void of longing
rising like balloons overhead,
in no hurry to burst. Again, no capital "in," there isn't a period before it.
Do you stare at your ceiling[s]?[/s] Replace with a comma?
Missing life for missing me?
Do tempestuous thoughts of us,
be your only company? This sentence is really weird. I feel like it's wrong grammatically, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe reword it to say,"become your only company?"
Overall a very nice poem, I think. It needs a little work, but well done. Hope this helped. Keep writing!
~Yoyo