xhalcyonx128

this poem is rather Hallmark (sp?). it could be on a valentine's day card. im sorry but its terribly cliche. the whole "eyes like blue oceans" and "golden strands of ...

in regards to chapter 9: i enjoyed how you brought aspects of the real life to this fantasy story, it ties in well. "He still has not signed over the ...

im not a huge fan of break up/make up songs, i can think of alot of them off the top of my head. this isnt bad tho. keep toying around ...

you lost me. lol first of all go back and eliminate any unnecessary words to make it read smoother as a poem should. "we're all needing that done after all" ...

the "brain pumped with knowledge" could be an outlet into some insight of this character. perhaps he/she is dying because of what he/she knows. if so, expand on that. it ...

the first thing that caught me was the rarity of someone writing about this topic. everyone always writes about life, death, love, pain, ect ect, until everyone is aching for ...

first of all let me say that dreams are an excellent medium for starting stories. a few of my stories (most of them still in progress) are from dreams. in ...

not bad :-) i got how you were saying as soon as you got onto campus your freedom would be restricted (in ur 1st paragraph) but the puncuation could use ...

alot of your sentences start with "I am", try to avoid the typical pronoun-verb beginning. it gets boring after a while. also, how would knights (i assume they are knights) ...

if Atom is capitalized, then Bomb should be as well, since you are personifying the Bomb. I'd split up the stanzas and condense the lines, as Brad showed. I love ...

this reads like prose, it might be better as a story. small grammer detail: you say It's once where you should use its (line 20) so whats happening? shes changing? ...

i see everyone else basically has this covered, so im going to avoid beating a dead horse and be quick about this. It was the first week of school and ...

way too choppy honestly stories don't work as just dialogues, unless its going to be a play. i could tell where the conversations divided, sortof, but you REALLY need to ...

i really with you would have kept going with the idea that Molly was talking to the main character. That would have been really interesting. All in all, i like ...

i would increase the first stanza, add more detail so the reader can really get a feel for the cool wind streaming through their hair. you want the reader to ...