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Sword fighting

by Tristanght


I can't belive i am wearing this stupid outfit! I am in red armor with boots that are incredibly stiff. I have a red sheild that has pointy corners. I am like a little red dot in the middle of this black sea. I am surrounded by soldiers in black armor with axes that are six feet tall. I am having the worst day ever, my army, who is also red, is ticked off at me for helping this one black armored guy that was in prison escape. Now they want me yo go and kill him to regain my "honor".

There he is. He dramaticly stepped out of the crowd like he was in some western movie where a cowboy shoots the sheriff.

"You lookin' for me?" he asked in a texan accent with a tip of his helmet.

"Got that right, punk." He kicked his spurs and withdrew his axe. I drew out mine and it was embarassingly small compared to his. He swung his axe and it missed my head by inches. I slammed my shield into his jaw like an uppercut in a boxing match. He stummbled to the ground.

I stabbed the dirt where he had just been laying seconds before. He kicked me off my feet, my sword still stuck in the ground. He swung his axe over his head and came down on my shield, which broke into millions of pieces on impact.

There i was, lying there, unarmed and undefended. I had to act fast, or i could get killed.


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Mon Nov 19, 2007 2:03 am
Eric511 wrote a review...



Interesting, makes you want to know what happens after. Some of the details like the cowboy thing and the texan accent, seemed in the wrong time and age. Perhaps you should also explain the area, it is sort of unknown of where he was. I like the intro though. It was less serious in a serious situation. You had a good fight thing going.




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Sun Nov 18, 2007 3:14 am
joec wrote a review...



Okay...

If I were you, I would probably had written this in third person, getting rid of all the 'I's', to start with.

The story is very cramped, and you should press the 'enter' button once more inbetween paragraphs. Spacing is very important since the reader grows tired of reading it if it's too much at once.

I also noticed that the dialouge was horribly cliché, and quite out of character for a knight. Since we are being given no backgroun in this story, I assume that this takes place in some futuristic setting. Especially since you said that the Black Knight were talking in a Texan accent and talking about a cowboy shootoff. It must be futuristic because there has never been any knights in America. The era of knights were around the medeival ages, around the year 500-1500 A.D., or 1066-1500 depending on which source you look at, but knights have surely never grazed the ground of North America. (If I am wrong, please correct me.)

If you are to continue this story, you might want to elaborate the background a little. Who is this Black Knight? Why was he in prison? Why did he let him out? Why will killing the Black Knight regain his honour? Things like that.

And remember, if you are writing a historical story, keep in mind to not incorporate details fromother times, such as ours. How many people will believe a cave-man drinking cola?

Keep up the writing!

---
Joe




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:09 pm
smorgishborg wrote a review...



Let's make a deal. I'll come back, edit this post, and crit this, provided that you go back and proofread. The spelling, capitalization, and grammar is terrible.

Proofread ladies and gentlemen, you're sure to miss things, but at least try. It doesn't take that long...

EDIT: Okay, fine. Don't rewrite it.




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:22 pm
xhalcyonx128 wrote a review...



alot of your sentences start with "I am", try to avoid the typical pronoun-verb beginning. it gets boring after a while.

also, how would knights (i assume they are knights) know what a cowboy shootoff was like? they were in way different time periods and the connection between them is loose and confusing.

why did the red guy let out the black guy? why must he kill the black guy to regain his "honor"? you can elaborate on that.

which broke into millions of pieces on impact
a million pieces is overused, try saying something like "the force of the sword hitting the shield causes it to instantly shatter, the light reflects off each mirrored piece as it falls" or something that will create more of a mental picure.




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:10 pm
BigBadBear wrote a review...



Cool. Makes us want to read more:

"he asked in a texan accent"

texan = Texan

"which broke into millions of pieces on impact."

I'm sure it didn't really break into millions of pieces. Why don't you lower that to like, hundreds? That is a big exaggeration.

Well, that's good. I liked it. Keep it up.

Oh yeah, and put a double space (enter twice) between paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.

Good job!

BBB




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:02 am
cat4prowl wrote a review...



da da da Dun! well, what happens next?!

well anyways this is a critique so i will proceed to point out your errors so you dont have to do it yourself

Tristanght wrote:I can't belive i am wearing this stupid outfit! I am in red armor with boots that are incredibly stiff. I have a red sheild that has pointy corners. I am like a little red dot in the middle of this black sea. I am surrounded by soldiers in black armor with axes that are six feet tall. I am having the worst day ever, my army, who is also red, is ticked off at me for helping this one black armored guy that was in prison escape. Now they want me yo go and kill him to regain my "honor".
There he is. He dramaticly stepped out of the crowd like he was in some western movie where a cowboy shoots the sheriff.
"You lookin' for me?" he asked in a texan accent with a tip of his helmet.
"Got that right, punk." He kicked his spurs and withdrew his axe. I drew out mine and it was embarassingly small compared to his. He swung his axe and it missed my head by inches. I slammed my shield into his jaw like an uppercut in a boxing match. He stummbled to the ground.
I stabbed the dirt where he had just been laying seconds before. He kicked me off my feet, my sword still stuck in the ground. He swung his axe over his head and came down on my shield, which broke into millions of pieces on impact.
There i was, lying there, unarmed and undefended. I had to act fast, or i could get killed.


capitalize the 'i'

combine these sentences and give me a little more detail

stummbled = stumbled


i like the sarcasm of the main character, it makes me want to know what happens to him. i have a question though, if he just helped someone escape from jail why was he so ready to kill him? and why was the guy he helped eager too? a little more detail might be nice too

i liked it, write more!




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 1:48 am
Tristanght says...



Sorry, I might have a couple of typos.





My tongue must tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break...
— Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew