Published October 27, 2007
w y that.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
not bad
this really highlights the frustration of college-hopping (not a real word i know)i got how you were saying as soon as you got onto campus your freedom would be restricted (in ur 1st paragraph) but the puncuation could use some doublechecking.
it can use some work, but the overall purpose is good, keep it up.
oh one grammer thing that stuck w me: "Mom's Against Life" should be "Moms" (btw thats also a nice use of humor)
i dont think you need the disclaimers in your last paragraph, it takes away from the body of the piece.
wow you got hammered on this one, icaruss should not be posting replys. i liked it, i could see the humour and the frustration. i am not one to critique on grammar, as i am still learning myself, but i do read and i liked it.
keep going, dont listen to the wolves , who cant put in a positive thought.
kim
An interesting read for sure, but there are a few things I would change. Azila seems to have caught most of them, however, so I'll just give you a synopsis of my opinion:
I like this style, but it seems either forced or not read through enough. As always I condone the trick of saying your piece out loud to yourself (or reading it to others) in order to find the right flow. You have a particular style I think you're trying to get across without appearing to false in it all, but there's still much here that needs to be smoothed out.
I enjoyed your first three paragraphs and the style therein, but the last half of your narrative seems too rushed, too forced, and does not flow with the first half. I liked the first half, it was nice. Only thing is that when you're speaking from first person, try not to interject yourself too much within your narrative like:
When you write (I've now become too lazy to write out 500)... it's a major drag in the story. For one, you could say "I'm too lazy to write 500" or some variation thereof, but your interruption is too LONG. Keep it short, or don't put it in, or just continue it without the () as part of your original narrative.
The reader does not generally care what your current mood writing out five hundred V. 500 is. They're just reading the story, and reading it for content. Keep that in mind.
Keep it up.
It was pretty good. I see what you're trying to do, but I think it needs a tad more work. Like Icaruss said, it is a bit choppy at times. Especially all of the "Disney (trademark)"s in the end paragraph. And also it just seems like it's a sentence about one thing, a sentence about another thing... then another sentence about another thing, then a sentence about the first thing again, you know what I mean?
It might just be me being stupid (which is very possible) but this sentence made next to no sense to me. I mean, I got the basic gist but there wasn't any flow and I had to read it four times over.
I think you should put "(Moms Against Life)" right after "MAL" instead of at the end of the sentence. And make is "moms" not "mom's"
Here is one of those places where it just seems like random sentences, you know? Try to keep paragraphs sorted by what they're about and not have paragraphs that are jumbly... I don't think that's a word, but oh well
There's some tense-switching going on here. See, "was" is in past, but "think" is in present. Of course, it might be intended, but as long as you know it's happening that's fine.
I think that especially for a piece like this the ending should be a conclusion of sorts. But what you did is just go off on another random topic.
Please PM me if you have any questions concerning my critique!
~Azila~
Wait. I misread. Yeah, you can't drink in the car, but then you say you can't smoke either. I guess it is confusing then. I don't get it.
Cool I respect that and most of your critique was true, but I can't fully respect it if you're seriously asking that question.
Sorry, but I didn't like this. It was just too boring. The way you narrated, it seemed monotonous and bleak. Maybe that was your intention, I don't know, but it didn't flow well at all. In fact, it didn't flow at all. Each sentence was a chore to get through. Now, it wasn't confusing or anything, it was just too... I don't know. Too detached maybe. So when the bits that were supposed to be humorous came, I couldn't bring myself to even find them funny.
Oh, you know what? It was too repetitive. That's the word. Is that a word? Yeah, that's the word. Specially the first paragraph. And why can't you drink or smoke in College? I mean, you can't smoke during class but other than that... I don't know. I just didn't like it. Sorry.
I suggest you not use "pre"
It makes it a weird font that I have trouble reading. Of course, if you don't do "pre" then there won't be indents, so you'll have to space out the paragraphs like I am in this post --with a space between all of the paragraphs (even dialogue).
That said, I really do have trouble reading it the way you have it, so I didn't even bother. Once you change it, PM me and I'll be happy to review it for ya. Sound good?
See you around!
~Azila~
As I'm new to this site, I had trouble formatting this when I tried to copy and paste it. Any suggestions?