whence

first off, it's 'pettles'. The main issue here is that she's not expression anything here. She needs to expand upon it and actually complete the unfinished idea here. She gives ...

whoa, random bump much? But really, Jack, this isn't your best. You didn't express anything new or vivid here; and I for one felt nothing. But I've seen better pieces ...

You get so limited by your rhyme scheme in this that the flow really suffers. My advice? Cut the rhyming altogether. You've got some beautiful phrases here--unbind that eloquence from ...

-points at Claw and Coll- They say neat stuff. But yeah; this was all surface fluff. There was no weight behind the words, if you know what I mean. On ...

quick-crit, forgive me if I repeat others. Ok, the rhyming here is overly simplistic and does nothing but detract. So nix the rhymes. Your lines aren't in any coherent tense ...

Erm.. First off, poems should never have, or need, a preface. It just puts the reader off and shows the piece itself is lacking. As for content.... try to go ...

AAAAND yes, I did focus mainly on rhyming I think that sums this up well enough. A poet is supposed to show mastery over a language. This showed that language ...

This seems so fake to me. You fabricate these feelings, you douse it all with unfitting, overdone vocabulary and needless archaism, and it just makes the whole thing seem hollow. ...

First off, here's a link that I think'll help, plus reading it will make Claw happy: Poetry and Punctuation Now, you've got a couple internal rhymes here, and they work ...

No where in this did I myself feel the emotions you were trying to convey. I could observe them, yes, but you didn't make/let me feel . You start off ...

Now, I'll start off by saying you've got a world of potential in front of you. When you're 9 years old (Or at least when I was nine) you're very ...

Hahaha, nice ending :p The opening paragraph was confusing, but overall nice pace; it kept me interested and intrigued. I'm not sure why you bothered with the disease bit as ...

At first the protagonist's gender is a mystery, but it really adds to the effect. As par with your style, there's no dialogue tags and limited pronouns... And while this ...

I'm not gonna even address content on this one... Your syllabic count was all over the place and it murdered the flow. And I don't mean smothered-by-a-pillow murder, I mean ...

you seemed bound by your rhyme scheme here. I'm not saying the rhymes don't help with the rhythm--they do. And I'm not saying you should nix them either--you shouldn't. Rather, ...