Published July 7, 2007
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I'd try this again, without the rhyme, and see what happens, because I think that you're getting very restricted by, and, as has been pointed out, some of it is very forced.
Your rhythm is out in places. I'd try reading this aloud and listening to the beat of each line, so that you can see which points need to be shortend or lengthend.
I'd try to channel your emotions into this a bit more and employ better use of imagery.
Other than that, I think a lot of good points have been made about this, and are worth at least considering. Good luck with your next draft.
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Reyu,
Beside the trite subject matter, it seems like you have put forth more effort in defending this trash than you did actually writing it. See the problem?
The ice on this pond is thin.
All the best,
Brad
This was good and very sweet, I might add. But I had a slight problem with your rhyming and flow in some of the verses.
The rhythm was a little jumpy in some places and a bit broken, which made it harder for me to read, so maybe revise this?
Altogether though, I really liked this. ^^
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Knock of the critique arguing, keep on topic. Do it through PMs if you're that upset.
Anymore and I might lock the thread.
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"I am just me
*bows*"
How about less on the pompous, self-centred, blindly ignorant side and more on the normal side.
><
I'm looking at it from a reader's perspective. Nothing more, nothing less. And honestly, what else did you expect?
No, that is in no way enough. I'm sorry, but personal ramblings does not a poem make. If you want to better yourself as an artist, then by all means post it here. However, if you, as I've gathered, don't at all care about self-betterment or even poetry, then why exactly did you come here?
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"I would also like to add that I am an abysmal poet. All you as the reader need to know about this poem is that it comes from my heart. That should be enough." - *slaps face* *slaps face* *slaps face* *slaps face* *slaps face* *head-desk* *head-desk*. Come on. Seriously. "I am an abysmal poet and am really angry at people telling me so. I am also really angry at people looking at this poem as a poem instead of something only I know and can feel and can understand as a result of what I stated in my previous sentence."
*head-desk*
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I liked this poem with its quadruple line rhyme. I thought "I might even send you a piggy in a crate" was rather good, it made me chuckle. Yes, it's rather absurd, but it just adds to the Syd Barrett-esque feel that I got from reading this and that's what I like about it. It's almost as if someone should be strumming a guitar while singing this nonsense-love song. That's just how I see it. Cheers.
P.S. - Oh, and by nonsense-love song I don't mean that I think love is nonsense and I don't think your poem is nonsense.
And to all who negatively critted and to everyone else for that matter - to each their own. Some see it, some don't. It's all opinion, but it's easily to get offended... I know, I've been there. But when it's repeated in so many crits, after a while, it can get to you. I think that someone shouldn't write a completely black critique, color should be added to not sound overly mean or cruel & it shouldn't leave the author with feeling that his poetry is garbage.
I think that sums this up well enough.
A poet is supposed to show mastery over a language. This showed that language has a mastery over you.
If you actually want to be any kind of poet, start your next revise with a blank sheet of paper, and focus on content. Not rhymes.
This poem does need to show a lot more emotion, and in places the rhyming is really forced.
I know you already made comment to the line , "I might even send you a piggy in a crate," but the line makes no sense and does not forward the poem in the slightest. This is where forced rhyming comes in, because how does this help you express your feelings to the reader? it doesn't you just needed a rhyme with "wait."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" not only is it cliché, I don't see the point of it being in your poem, then the line that follows simply reminds me a level of hell in Dante's Inferno, and I again am not entirely sure why it is in your poem.
the best poems don't always rhyme, but the ones that rhyme and that are also the best, do not use forced rhyming and the lines actually seem like they should be in the poem.
I suggest you read some poems, if you haven't, and look at the rhyme scheme. How each rhyme seems to be in the right place, and meaningful, not a single line is put in simply for the sake that it rhymes.
Also, you need to add more emotion to this. Make me, the reader feel. This is one of those letters to someone in a poem. They don't work out that well for anyone who isn't the person the poem is written to. I don't feel anything, and I really don't care about the main character of the poem. Make me care, make me feel something, and it will be so much better.
Best of luck.
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Hello!
I was actually very surprised by how this turned out. I expected something about internet dating, but there's nothing about that in here. The title doesn't work with the piece.
It's nice that you rhyme every line, but this last line doesn't sound right. Perhaps,
Courage should be donned like a crown,
and never dirtied or taken down.
It's you're crazy, because crazy doesn't belong to you, it is you.
A date is a date or a date's a date.
What? This statement stands out from the rest, because it doesn't make sense with what you're taking about. Perhaps,
Or make you wait,
So we can make this day great.
I understand you are trying to rhyme, but it doesn't sound right because it isn't.Whereas,I will kiss you if I can, makes more sense, because he's saying he will kiss her if only she lets him.
Same thing as above; you're with someone else.
This ends flat. Plus, he's talking about ending the relationship and then tells her she is his vision. It's almost like he's flip-flopping and hasn't made up his mind.
Best of Luck,
MM
Hmm the idea here is very sweet, but I think you need to add a lot more emotion into this and get the flow sorted out, I think you mainly conerntrated with ryhming it. Some lines sound a little short and out of place with the rest of the stanza, read it out loud and you will see what I mean. Work on it and I think you have something here
All the best,
Meevs
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