No where in this did I myself feel the emotions you were trying to convey. I could observe them, yes, but you didn't make/let me feel.
You start off with a sort of staccato format, which is good for contrast but ill-used here. Then you drop it in favor of bland observations and toneless sorrow.
Try reading this from a reader's perspective. Make us relate, make us hurt when you hurt, make us cry. Right now the only thing this piece makes me feel is that I wasted my time.
Points: 890
Reviews: 316
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