perdido

Quit staring at me with those large, round eyes. I don't deserve your scrutiny, their lies. your scrutiny, but their lies? Whose lies? The eyes' lies? I don't know. The ...

Small wonder I recoiled at my cross-shaped reflection, pretty good opening. One suggestion I do have is to change it to present tense. Makes it more immediate, and thus more ...

not bad for a haiku. Haikus can be a really effective form, but since they are so short every word has to be absolutely necessary and concise. One piece of ...

I don't know, I mean. There's some interesting stuff, it's a story, I like those things, but the delivery just isn't working for me. The rhyme scheme makes it really ...

By day we walk the long road ahead, then the sun will set and we'll go to bed. Seems choppy to me. It could be reworked into something that flows ...

Midnight stars watch over me as the shadows scratch at my doors. Do not let the shadows fool you, for they are not what they seem. The first two lines ...

The war of everyday has left me torn, my patients worn. So I just turn away.. Because the things we really mean, don't come from what we say. first thing: ...

I'm a be hard on this The diamond girl was flawless, her form and gait pristine. God made her eyes from stars and seas, and stroked his jealousy. Nice meter, ...

This was the first story I posted on YWS when I joined, I actually joined for this story. After reading my reviews, I realized I wrote a lot of dialog ...

sucked on the pillow like a teat? Does he think its a marshmallow? Please. Mostly I think you'd benefit from condensation. I don't understand the Drake reference. Other then that ...

cliche: learn to avoid it. This piece is literally devoid of all sensory detail. I think that is what you should focus on when writing new pieces: sensory detail, lines ...

preachy and forgettable. there are some nice moments, like the pudding cup thing, but other then that, I'd start over. I want more sensory details, less outright DRAMA. That's boring, ...

hmmmmmmm. Seems like some sort of exercise in word-pairing. Here are a few: memory-lights: I didn't like this (especially because the word before it is 'antiquated' retrospect-clouds: This was better ...

A good attempt, but you sink yourself with too many unnecessary words... and some poor word choices. I think its too long, you should condense, or focus on things that ...

Oh look, a retelling of a myth in (almost) epic poem format with (struggling) meter and (somewhat forced) rhyme. Like an acoustic cover of Bob Dylan, this lacks imagination. Also, ...