Young Writers Society

Hi! I love this poem! In my opinion, The poetic diction is self-explanatory which makes it easy for a reader to relate to the poem. I also love the voice that resonates in this poem. It's sounds low but seems to shout a powerful message that compels a reader to actually believe in your flaws. On the other hand, most times the ride the poem gives the reader comes to a stops at some ends. Is it cause you're trying force your poem to rhyme? Other than that, I feel the poem is a good one and certainly has potential. Keep it up!

Quit staring at me with those large, round eyes.
I don't deserve your scrutiny, their lies.

#000080 ">your scrutiny, but their lies? Whose lies? The eyes' lies? I don't know. The rhyme, to me, seemed obvious. And I have a general distaste for poems that address a mysterious 'you.' I often feel locked out. We'll see.

I'm not the beauty people claimed to see.
There are so many flaws outlined on me.

#000080 ">again, I'm not a fan of the singsongy rhyme. I also don't like the word 'beauty.' the second line is okay.

My legs are brittle, like a bird's.
My arms held the same scrawny look, for lack of better words.

#000080 ">first line is great, the second falls flat. The rhyme is forced here. Get rid of it. "My arms held the same scrawny look." Rework that too, it's really choppy.

My skin is paler than it's implied complexion.
And my face... I won't even mention.

#000080 ">then why mention it in the first place? Seems like a cop-out to me. This stanza needs reworking, I think what could help is using more specific details to describe the flaws. Brittle like a bird's. That was good, specific, original, find more comparisons like that and I think this poem will improve a great deal.

My stomach, watch it bulge like a mountain.
No matter how much I try, it will never flatten.

#000080 ">bulge like a mountain is pretty good. the second line bugged me.

Then the look of disgust evaporates,
but still reveals my many mistakes.

#000080 ">ehhh I don't know. Some of these stanzas are just really weak, I think you could cut this one. It is interesting to note that the 'you' has completely vanished from the poem. So I think you could cut the first stanza too.

I see the girl, a total mess,
but who's knowledgeable enough to know she's blessed.

#000080 ">still weak, I'd reword this one.

She has a body to inhabit, used to walk to the Earth's end,
and she didn't plan on taking it for granted.

#000080 ">this is the only stanza that didn't rhyme, and it would work except every other stanza did rhyme, so it doesn't. I think you should lean more to this side. Also, 'used' to walk earth's end? Sounds like she's dead. I'd change everything to present tense, make it more powerful and immediate.

generally, I'd say use more specific sensory details, tip your scales to the SHOW side of the spectrum rather than TELL, and don't forget to READ. Pick up an anthology of contemporary poetry... or I just started reading a poet, Bob Hicok, who is incredible. I hope I helped

best,

Hello!
This poem was very good. I can totally relate to it...in fact, I think alot of teenage girls can. It's intense yet very rhythmic and moving. Brilliant work. A *like* from me. Keep up the great work! Thanks
~ Amelia

I really liked this poem! Poems like this take a topic that is very intense and sad, and almost made light of it by pointing out the narrators flaws. My advise is that if you want your poem to rhyme, it's understandable, but don't sacrifice getting your point across just to rhyme. Good work! I'll keep my eyes open for your work!