The war of everyday has left me torn, my patience worn. So I just turn away.
Because the things we really mean, don't come from what we say.
I've no time left for sympathy. Why can't you see I truly tried?
Yet you just turned and stabbed me every time you stood and lied.
Morning brings a real smile, one worth the while. Hope bathed me with grace..
To see the loving eyes of a whole new face.
".....Please stand by me...."
Let yesterday just die. No reason why. Must we play this foolish game?
No matter how we play or try.. It will all end just the same.
Theres no point in going back. It's truth, it's fact. Lets just stop and agree.
This wreck of a path we walk on, is not meant for you or me.
Slowly clouds will move on. I'll say so long.. Time to forget.
But know I'll turn around and see so many things.. I can't regret.
"...I'll keep you safe..."
This light is just as pure.I feel so sure, this day is new.
And I'll remember all the chances given to me, by you.
I won't soon let go. It's sad, but so. I've no reason to believe.
That this wish won't come true. That much is to hard conceive.
I'll hold her close, I thank you both. Watch over me, as I will for you.
A butterfly across the beautiful bright oceans' blue.
"... You'll always matter to me....."
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Alright. I do appreciate the impute and corrective help, but perdido, I think you didn't exactly see what I meant in the line,
This is referring to a new person/girl. The spealer in this poem is letting go of a past love. So when he talks about the real smile, grace, and the loving eyes of a whole new face; It's the new girl. These are all amplified suggestions that this new person's smile is like the sun. Hoping to find her, now being in her presence "bathed me with grace". You get the gist. And the little quotes in between? Allow me to enlighten further. This poem, is almost like inner monologue. The speaker is with a new found love, watching the ocean. While doing so, he's also trying to let go of a past love. Perhaps they shared the same view? That much is for the reader to decide. But. Those little quotes are supposed to be this new girl speaking to the reader as all these things come to mind when he looks at the ocean. So theres why those exist, if that helps you understand better. That all aside however, I did appreciate your review! I'm quite thankful you took the time out to give me such a detailed one! Much appreciated!
Wow. This poem was really well-written! It gave me goose-bumps. Ahahaa. The rhyming and rhythm were really good.
I think you meant "patience" instead of "patients"I only have a few suggestions:
I'm not too sure which word sounds better, but I think that you need to add one of them in.
Just add in a comma there.
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem and you have some real talent! (:
The war of everyday has left me torn, my patients worn. So I just turn away..
Because the things we really mean, don't come from what we say.
#FF0000 ">first thing: spelling. I believe you mean "patience" instead of patients. Unless you're like a doctor or therapist and your patients are worn. So I "Just" turn away. Try condensing that into "I turn away." It's stronger and more immediate. Take out the ellipses too, you don't need it. "Because the things we really mean, don't come from what we say." Okay, I get it, it's nice but to me it feels cliche. I want to know what's said, I want to know what was meant. SHOW us the discrepancy rather than just telling us there is one. That's more interesting.
I've no time left for sympathy! Why can't you see? I truly tried.
But you just turned and stabbed me every time you stood and lied.
#FF0000 ">I don't know. The exclamation point makes it seem silly. Take it out. THere's a lot of places that you can condense here, a lot of unnecessary words. Also you are starting sentences with words like "Because" and "But." I think things would flow better if you combined those sentences into a single sentence.
Morning brings a real smile, one well worth while. Hope bathed me with grace..
To see the loving eyes of a whole new face.
#FF0000 ">You're working with a lot of big ideas here, HOPE, GRACE, LOVE. When you use words like this you need to be prepared to back them up, but here they are just float. The first phrase here is the best. "Morning brings a real smile." I want more about that, why does morning bring a smile? What is it about the morning? The sunlight scooting in from the blinds? The smell of rain or breakfast? Needs work.
".....Please stand by me...."
#FF0000 ">I donno this just seems too lyrical and silly.
Let yesterday just die. No reason why. Must we play this foolish game?
No matter how we play or try.. It will all end just the same.
#FF0000 ">"Let yesterday DIE." Much stronger. I like the internal rhyme with die, why, and try but the external rhyme didn't do it for me. "It will all end the same." I like the concept but you're just presenting it to us. I know you've probably heard it before a billion times "show don't tell" but I agree with that statement and it's something you've gotta learn how to do.
Theres no point in going back. It's truth, it's fact. Lets just stop and agree.
This wreck of a path we walk on is really not meant for you or me.
#FF0000 ">"this wreck of a path." Good. I want more stuff like that, extend the metaphors a little bit.
Slowly clouds will move on. I'll say so long.. Time to forget.
But know I'll turn around and see so many things.. I can't regret.
#FF0000 ">"slowly clouds will move on." This part you're really starting to scratch the surface, but I want more. The rest of this stanza was forgettable.
"...I'll keep you safe..."
#FF0000 ">don't like these very much.
This light is just as pure.I feel so sure, this day is new.
And I'll remember all the chances given to me, by you.
#FF0000 ">Nothing more to say that hasn't already been said.
I won't soon let go. It's sad, but so. I've no reason to believe.
That this wish won't come true. That much is to hard conceive.
#FF0000 ">yeah.
I'll hold her close, I thank you both. Watch over me, as I will for you.
A butterfly across the beautiful bright oceans' blue.
#FF0000 ">whoa whoa whoa. This is the first time you've used a third person pronoun and it's the last stanza. Keep it consistent. Also, don't use the world beautiful. It's too easy. The last line will be MUCH better without that word. The reader can decide for him or herself whether or not what you are describing is beautiful.
"... You'll always matter to me....."
#FF0000 ">Okay. This is cute, sentimental, but it is just a ghost. It lacks flesh and blood and bone. Maybe you are just writing for therapeutic reasons, I can dig that, I get it, I do it too, but this kind of writing will never produce publishable material. I have two pieces of advice.
1. Read. (I don't know, maybe some Lorca, Simic, or just pick up a copy of Best American, the 2010 one is pretty dang good.
2. Add sensory details to your poems. (things that can be experienced by your five senses)
hope I helped.
best,
Many, Many thanks! I was in a very different mood when I wrote this.. So I gave it my best shot! I'm so very glad you enjoyed it! Muchos gracias, amiga!
Nathaniel, I truly love this. I'm wearing out this poem, I've read it like 10 times so far. xD It's beautifully worded. I can see the mixed emotions. <3
Also, the ending... so touching. <3 You're awesome! And You are awesome writer, too!
Favorite parts:
"Let yesterday just die. No reason why. Must we play this foolish game?
No matter how we play or try.. It will all end just the same."
"Slowly clouds will move on. I'll say so long.. Time to forget.
But know I'll turn around and see so many things.. I can't regret."
Bello! Precioso!
~Solvaly
Thank you! I can see how you thought this may have been a song inspired thing; because it was! The poem itself is not really similar to the song at all, it was simply motivational. The song in mind was "The Navy Song" by Billy Talent. Thanks for the kind words, and I'm glad you enjoyed!
Wow, that was awesome
It's very similar to the kind of stuff that I write about.
When I saw the title I actually thought it was going to be some cheap knock off of the Blue October song "Into the Ocean". I'm a huge fan of Blue October so I thought that perhaps you were...well I already explained what I thought..lol. I'm glad that you didn't though, this was really an awesome poem
Keep writing!