Published July 8, 2010
It was the one day
That all my memories faded away
There is nothing on earth to help me
No cure that I can see
I wish I could change the life I live
Nothing more I can give
I hate forgetting everything
The pain of it really stings
I am losing my memory day by day
There is nothing I can say
The days and nights slowly pass by
While I sit alone and cry
Trying to remember the memories I had
I tried and tried but it just made me sad
Wishing to be like my friend who was outspoken
Things never changed much since I became broken
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Nice jb, SimonCowellLuver!
I agree with Spy0h the use of the word "one" in the first line.
What rhyme scheme are you going for? Are you looking to do AABBCCDD and so on? Or are you just trying to rhyme loosely? If so, you need to keep a constant meter. It doensn't really flow here. I recommend counting the number of syllables per line, and creating a pattern out of that.
How did you lose your memories? I'm a bit confused here. Also, I'm not sure the line, "There is nothing I can say," is absolutely necessary. What does it do to benefit the poem? Try asking yourself this as you read over the poem.
"Sad" isn't the most descriptive word, but "outspoken" is very good. If you even out the rhymes a little bit here, I am sure you could make this a fabulous poem!
cliche: learn to avoid it. This piece is literally devoid of all sensory detail. I think that is what you should focus on when writing new pieces: sensory detail, lines that stimulate our senses. Otherwise all we have is a boring rhyme scheme and this contextless drama. So I'd say, more imagery and sensory detail, less cliches.
Hey SimonCowellLuver,
I am spy0h and i will try to review
Nice one
Keep moving ~ Huthaifa