norris_redford

Of course this is fake, otherwise the autoresponse would have come up long before she said it did. This was done very well. There is nothing really to correct, as ...

I think tribe's men is supposed to be one word, but I'm not exactly sure. Tribesmen? Not as brittle as a humans There should be an apostrophe in humans. The ...

the stout, grey haired Capitan eyed the map warily. This should be made into another sentence, instead of having it at the end of his dialog. Or you could just ...

There is just something about a repeated sound effect that really takes away from the writing for me... usually I try to just describe what they hear without actually 'showing ...

I read the first and thought it was fairly amusing. Then I read the second, and just got tired of it. I hate to say this, but I think any ...

You could make the very beggining of this more interesting by having the start of the scene very peaceful, and then having Shantar bursting into the scene looking a bit ...

For being new at it, he is very good. You might want to work with him, however, on sentence starters. I know he is new to it, but it is ...

I think you could really heighten the interest level if you made the death speach a little more indepth. Allowing the father to talk more will bring out his character ...

There I was…again…crouched on the floor, in the same old alleyway, surrounded by the same old monsters. I would consider revising this a bit. Although it is a powerful beginning, ...