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Beson Harnek

by Greyjoy


This is a very short introduction, but I find it to be lacking somehow, perhaps I should lengthen it. Any advice would be appreciated.

Issys took the glass from the young squire, cupping his large hand around the rip without taking a sip. “Beson, with armies moving in the east, I hardly think it wise to be threatening the border of Sheebna,” the stout, grey haired Capitan eyed the map warily. He leaned heavily against one of the wooden pillars, his great, bear-like arms folded across his chest. General Harnek raised his eyes, and stood back from hunching over the map which was laid out on the rough, wooden table in front of them.

“We have not much choice, Harbrig,” he replied, his face weary from the consorts and strains being a general had placed him under. Had he been anyone but the stern, fair, headstrong leader of the Southron battalions, the tall, grey-haired Capitan may have pitted him. But one did not pity Harnek.

“Saisra is hostile in our Northern boarders, but her Quthall’s are rallying with Mormoch, to our advantage of course. I see that a fealty may be broken if we do not aid them, but we are yet useless to them while Saisra’s armies sit divided, there is not entrance from the South.”

“You mean to return to them, then?” Harbrig asked, drawing closer to the map.

“Yes. Countless Breal had advised me against it, but I would rather confront the wraith of Calen than General Calliver.”

The aged Capitan sighed, and looked up as the general folded his arms across his chest and pressed twqo fingers to his lips in thought; steady dark brown eyes fallen again to the map.

“He fought with your father in Kingsmarch, general, but it has been many years, and men have changed since then. You need only look at Calen.”

Harnek raised his brow as his looked back up at his old comrade. In that moment, he seemed as earnest as he had been as a child, a face innocent to the pains of war. But as quickly as it had changed, his face returned to the battle-weary general, with a heart as cold as old snow.

“You knew my father as well as I, and Calliver no less,” he uncrossed his arms from his chest. “What would you have me do, Issys?”

Harbrig shook his head, “Harnek, I’d often deign from advising you, you are not a man easily lead, and nor was Alradur Harnek. But I will say one thing. In this sort of situation, you have two choices. Neither is the wrong choice, but if you want my counsel, son, then choose the one your father would have chosen.” Issys Harbrig turned then, and left the general staring into the flickering orange hearth, shadows dancing on his handsome features.


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Fri Jul 06, 2007 6:13 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



A few specific points first -

cupping his large hand around the rip [I think you mean rim?]

as the general folded his arms across his chest and pressed two fingers to his lips in thought

______________

Other than that, your description was pleasant and I actually think you introduce the characters quite well. I do agree that it needs to be a little longer and perhaps you should describe the room they're in a little more but so far I like it.




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Fri Jul 06, 2007 3:30 pm
Firestalker says...



Yup your right. I think whats missing is a introduction about the characters since the readers would get confused reading this.




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Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:11 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



This is not too bad a start, however the names of things we do not know can get confusing. Maybe you should split up the names so as not to give information overload to the reader. For example, mention one of the countries (i'm assuming here) in the dialogue, then mention another one a lot later. Successive one's in each line don't do well.

Another point is there are lots of commas in some of the sentences, which slows down the overall pace of the introduction. To be honest, many of these could be taken out or changed slightly to keep up the pace needed for an intro. For example " He leaned heavily against one of the wooden pillars, his great, bear-like arms folded across his chest" might have the "great" removed to leave only one comma.

Just some suggestions. Keep plugging at it and I'm sure this will lead to something good. Good luck!




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Fri Dec 03, 2004 6:52 pm
norris_redford wrote a review...



the stout, grey haired Capitan eyed the map warily.
This should be made into another sentence, instead of having it at the end of his dialog. Or you could just put a 'said the stout, grey haired Capitan as he eyed the...'


I think the problem here is that the intro is pretty slow moving, and although this is alright for certain stories, it might not work if you are speaking of war. Also, there is alot of background info and words the reader is not familiar with. It is fine to explain the background info a little later, but there is alot of territory and names we are not familiar with. This could be very interesting, but it's only about a page long, and already gets a little boring. Perhaps you could use this as just a section in your story, and create a different beginning.





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