Note: This is a short story by one of the kids I work with at an elementary school. He's just starting to write, so what he really needs right now is constructive criticism.
One day at a school called Best School Ever Elementary they got the meanest principle named Mr. Waxaplax. But at the end of day only one kid had detention and his name was Will! But at exactly 4:00 pm the school turned into a prison! The windows turned into bars and so did the doors. When Will was looking around at all of the changes, he saw a cell phone sitting on the teacher s desk. So he used to call the K.N.D. But they didn t have weapons so they took him to their moon base. After a really long and boring lecture from #276. So they just blew up the school because they couldn t make up their mind.
- Will
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139,395 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
What a read!
I can tell this kid is going to be a good writer! He has all the right elements: the imagination, and the enthusiasm. And that's the best thing of being a young writer, you have the thoughts that make people your age and older really enjoy the story, and I think that's commendable that he's trying to write at such a young age.
''One day at a school called Best School Ever Elementary they got the meanest principle named Mr. Waxaplax.''
Okay, that's an interesting name for a school. Mr. Waxaplax? Okay, we're going well. However, he needs to work on his spelling, which I'm sure will come along eventually.
''But at exactly 4:00 pm the school turned into a prison!''
Isn't school already a prison?
'' So he used to call the K.N.D. But they didn t have weapons so they took him to their moon base.''
What's a K.N.D?
'' So they just blew up the school because they couldn t make up their mind.''
What a very intresting ending....
Overall, this kid has potential. All I'm saying.
Lol, since this was posted 21 years ago, the kid is probably in his late twenties, early thirties by now! I wonder if he still writes...
I hope he still does write! We need more writers!
This is an imaginative and creative story, and it's wonderful to see a young writer exploring their creativity! Here are some constructive suggestions to consider:
Encourage Detail: Encourage the child to add more descriptive details to bring the story to life. For example, they could describe the appearance of Mr. Waxaplax in more detail, or paint a vivid picture of the transformation of the school into a prison.
Develop Characters: Help the child develop the characters further by adding more depth to their personalities and motivations. This could help readers connect with the characters and become more invested in the story.
Clarify Plot Points: Some parts of the story could benefit from clarification or expansion. For example, why does Will get detention? How does he feel about being the only one with detention? Providing more context and explanation could enhance the reader's understanding of the story.
Work on Structure: Encourage the child to organize their story into clear beginning, middle, and end sections. This could help improve the flow of the narrative and make it easier for readers to follow along.
Overall, this story shows great imagination and potential. With some additional attention to detail, character development, plot clarification, and structure, the child's writing can continue to grow and flourish. Keep nurturing their creativity and offering constructive feedback to support their development as a writer!
Also I realize this was posted literally 20 years ago! But, as a teacher myself, I couldn't resist! Happy Writing - Dani
Foxmaster here for a review!
So, I will be reviewing this one sentence at a time (I have done it before when my teacher asked me to do this with a kid in my class).
First of all, "principle" is spelled wrong. It's supposed to be "Principal." Next of all, I would change the name of the school to "Best Ever Elementary," because that sounds a lot smoother. Lastly, the part about the meanest principal, I would change the sentence to:
next of all:
I would not start a sentence with the word 'but' twice in a row, because that would be repetition, like a lot of it.
Overall, the edited sentence would be,
Next sentence:
This sentence was generally huge improvement from all the rest, but could use a few slight changes such as:
Next:
Once again, we start a sentence with but, that makes this generally disjointed. Edited version:
Last one...
The first sentence is really short and sounds wrong, so I would fix this to:
Overall, this was a very enjoyable piece, I loved every moment of this! This was very humorous, and made me laugh.
-foxmaster
oops I had no idea that would make a link.
Title - "School aka Prison"
Honestly, from the perspective of a high school student in 2023, this is somewhat a version of the truth. School can be a prison, but it simply depends on numerous of factors such as your mindset, the teachers and how they teach, the subject you're learning in class, and so much more. Yet this title could be a double entendre of how this particular is a school, but can also be a prison - not in the mindset perspective, but quite literally. Perhaps it is created as a school during the day, but during the night, it is transformed into a prison. And vice versa. You can have the mindset of school feeling like a prison because you're trapping and there's nowhere to escape, but you can also view prison as a school because you can learn from your mistakes in that intense way. But if this kid is in elementary school, then he might view school and prison as vice versa through an adventure and being a kid, you can be super imaginative since the sky's the limit or something to that extent.
Story Itself:
Best School Ever Elementary - This elementary school sounds fun, lighthearted, and positive.
Comma between the words "Elementary" and "they."
A principle is "a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning." This kid probably meant principal.
Mr. Waxaplax - What an interesting and wacky name!
But at exactly 4:00 pm the school turned into a prison! - That was a plot twist!
So he used to call the K.N.D. But they didn t have weapons so they took him to their moon base. - See? This absolute alteration of events doesn't make sense. But a kid wrote this with his imaginary going wild, so another cool plot twist!
After a really long and boring lecture from #276. - Punctuation issue here.
So they just blew up the school because they couldn t make up their mind. - Wow! What a turn of events and sad/crazy end of the story outcome!
Review:
So many twists and turns that made my head spin. Decent job of thinking of ideas for stories; perhaps working on storyline and punctuation would improve this short story. Overall, not bad of a job kid.
So weird that this kid is like in his 20's now. That means he's older than I am >.>
Hahahaha! For an elementary school kid (how old is he? seven or eight?) that is very good as well as funny. It IS good. You've kept the tenses right, and although the story goes into a vague direction, that's perfectly all right! With more practice, you'll become an accomplished writer. And the ending is epic!
Keep it up, Will!
Mysticalxx
Will, well done. Such an interesting concept. *claps*
So cute! How old was this kiid at the time? I used to love K.N.D.!! Anyone else??
Kids Next Door? I absolutely used to like it.
I found this quite amusing (in a good way!!)
i found this story funny, however as it has been said before it lacks detail.teacher s should be teachers. there was some grammar errors starting at "so he used to call the k.n.d."i was not aware kids next door had a moon base,but you learn something new every day i guess.it was humorous to read and the kids thoughts on school sounded similar to those his age.
Um, guys? Do you realize that this was posted four years ago? Whoever wrote this will be around 14 now - a much better writer.
~JFW1415
Aww! I found this story imaginative and incredibly adorable.
I especially loved the KND reference, and I noticed that the KND do tend to blow things up when they can't decide how to solve something (not the best lesson in the world mind you). Encourage Will to continue writing and to keep his imagination fresh. 
this is his first story? thats pretty good for a first, hmmm... well, its too short, and it lacks descripive or figurative language, what he's got it an outline for an awesome idea. KND is an awesome show. tell him to keep it up.
That last line there totally killed it.
*Applauds*
I'm crossing my fingers for a sequel. 0.o
I do not know what to say on this one... hehe
Good for his age group. Tell him to keep at it.
He was a bit too young to join, and besides, I don't know him anymore. But I do try to get anyone I know who is at least 11 to join the site. Unfortunately, they usually just join and never post.
Why don't u tell the kid to join YWS!!!
Awe!
I agree with ElectricBlueMonkey that he really just needs to add more detail. I'm not really sure about the blowing up the school thing...But it sounds like he's got a taste for action, which can make a really good story teller.
-Sarah
this is really cute...I love the connection to the Kids Next Door, that's what makes it cute. He's got potential!
The story, in my opinion has some real potential. It needs a little bit more detail and could possibly be longer. I have one real tip for him, Show, don't tell. If he describes the principal (i.e. And one day, our meanest princapal yet came to our school. He was just like your worst nightmare, a tall man with a top hat and a cane and the meanest grin, streched across his face) he will give readers a picture in their minds.
I know I posted a lot here reviewing this but once again, it is really good. About that sentence starters advice that Norris Redford said, yeah, I think you should help him on those. The first sentence was kind of blocky, but he is new at it so, I guess it was pretty good.
oh gosh, knd? otay, i won't change the sub...
that kiddo is a great author
it's really,in my opinion, mystrious and adventurous and i dunno! i liked it.
the only problem.....
What happens next???????
lol
great job kid
For being new at it, he is very good.
You might want to work with him, however, on sentence starters. I know he is new to it, but it is always good to develop these skills at and early age. He had 'but' to begin two times in a row. Just explain to him he could make his already very wonderful writing even more exciting if he started it with something else. Tell him he has a delightful imagination.
YAY! I like Codename: Kids Next Door! Its good that cartoons are actually doing something to promote creativity rather than quell it.
Yep, a cell phone is a mobile, its called that in some parts of Europe, I think. And KND is a show about kids in a clubhouse that save the world from people who want to do something to kids (teachers, parents, etc.), like Nate said.
lol, KND is Kids Next Door. It's a show about these kids who live in a clubhouse and are international spies (or something like that) on cartoon network. And yeah, I'm pretty sure a cell phone and a mobile are the same thing.
sorry if i sound stupid but what is KND??...
and is a cell phone the same as a mobile?
sorry if i sound stupid but what is KND??...
That story was very original. I get what you are saying after dumping it after the second sentence, I always did that when I was a kid of 4th.
The kid (he) is in the fourth grade, and this is really his first story. He's written some before this, but he always dumps it after the second sentence, lol. I'll definitely pass your comment along!
Good! I liked that! Tell that kid that he is onto something! But, what I think is that he can put a little more detail and effort into it and make a really good story. Did he/she (looks like a he, if somebody likes KND its bound to be a he) have only a small amount of time to do this? Because if he did, I think he should look back and add more detail. Although it did strike me, that blowing up the school thing. As good as it may sound (
) he could maybe put more actions into it.
Just a few questions. How old is he/she? What grade is he/she in? Is he/she basically a good writer?
Tell the kid that he should continue writing and make more simple stories ranging from every genre.