Over 13: The AIM Tango

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Lisa6534: ok, here it goes, i'm going to try and explain myself before I go out on this run

Auto response from SAMSONITE73: class

Lisa6534 returned at 5:55:15 PM.

Lisa6534: I know that Ed said that we need to decide if we want to try and work this out, and then try and get past it

Lisa6534: but honestly darlin, Ed is a guy, and he's not the world expert on things like this as far as I know

Lisa6534: yes, we did need to decide how we wanted to go about this, work it out or break up

Lisa6534: but who is he to say how and when we should try to get past it?

Lisa6534: Right now I still am very hurt, and very angry

Lisa6534: and as far as wanting to know the details, I understand whre you are coming from

Lisa6534: with the not wanting to know

Lisa6534: but I do, and maybe it's a girl thing

Lisa6534: but with every different situation taht could have occured, there are a different set of feelings that would come along with it

Lisa6534: so right now, i'm still trying to figure out what i think and how i feel about all of this

Lisa6534: i still haven't gotten out of you if you kissed her back or not, otehr than saying by not pushing her away right away you guess you were kissing her back

Lisa6534: i mean, kissing someone can be an emotional thing, feelings can be involved, and i'm trying to figure out what kind of feelings were involoved

Lisa6534: because, unlike me--i've kissed a ton of people, i'll be the first to admit that sometimes it's just kissing and that's it--you don't just kiss people Matt

Lisa6534: so if you kissed her back, that's a big deal to me, and how long you kissed her for, anohter big deal for me

Lisa6534: and i'm sorry, i really am, i've tried not to want to know

Lisa6534: and i'm not asking you to paint me a perfect picture, because i realize you can't remember everything, but even if you think that it is worthless

Lisa6534: is it that hard just to go ahead and ask her anyway, and try and find out for me, when I told you that I needed this?

Lisa6534: you're making me feel like i'm the reason that we're having problems

Lisa6534: and i'm the reason why things aren't the way they should be between the two of us

Lisa6534: and that i'm the one who is to blame here

Lisa6534: because I won't TRY hard enough

Lisa6534: and because I dont' WANT it enough

Lisa6534: and it's so hard for me to keep reminding myself that i'm the one who was hurt here

Lisa6534: not you, not her

Lisa6534: me

Lisa6534: and this whole thing, you and I working this out, before we can get past this and put it behind us

Lisa6534: should be about making me feel better

Lisa6534: and I think, in this situation, Ed is more concerned for you than he is for me

Lisa6534: and his view is going to be one which will make things easiest fo ryou

Lisa6534: and i'm not saying you should just sit there and take it when I yell

Lisa6534: because I don't want to yell anymore

Lisa6534: and i WANT to be past this, there is nothing else in the world I want mroe than to be past all of this, and have things they way they used to be

Lisa6534: and you keep saying that i want to break up with you because i keep saying it

Lisa6534: and it's not that i want to break up iwth you

Lisa6534: it's that i feel that if I can't try hard enough for you

Lisa6534: and i don't want it as much as you

Lisa6534: then maybe you would be better off without me

Lisa6534: and better off with someone who would try as hard as you wanted her to

Lisa6534: and who made you feel like she was willing to work as hard as you needed her to, because if you don't feel like what I'm doing is good enough

Lisa6534: then you aren't going to be happy

Lisa6534: you say you want me to tell you what i'm thinking or what i'm feeling

Lisa6534: but when i do, it upsets you, and so i do'nt knwo what to do

Lisa6534: all i can think of is to just sit down and shut up and act like everything is the way it was before, because doing that is the only way that I would be trying any harder than I already am, but that wouldn't be honest, and I didn't think you wanted that

Lisa6534: but if that's what you want matt, i'll do it, i really really will, and i'm not being sarcastic

Lisa6534: tell me what to do and i'll do it

Auto response from SAMSONITE73: class

Lisa6534: because it seems to me that you think you're the one who is being hurt here

Lisa6534: rather than me

Lisa6534: and maybe you're right

Lisa6534: so i'm sory that i've been difficult, and i will try to get past this, i won't ask you any more questions, and i'll stop going ballistic over things

Lisa6534: and you can tell Cristina that she is in the clear, I will not say anything to her ever

Lisa6534: she's off my buddy list

Lisa6534 is away at 6:15:56 PM.

Lisa6534: there is not one bit of sarcasm in this im at all, i swear, please don't be upset, i just want you to understand that i am trying, and am willing to do whatever you need it is for me to do to make this better

Lisa6534 returned at 6:18:08 PM.

Lisa6534: because i guess i'm just not working at this as hard as you are, and that's not fair to you

Lisa6534: cause you have other stuff going on, and i'm just making your life more miserable by wallowing in the past the way that I am

Lisa6534: I guess I just wanted to know what happend so I could try and judge how much I could still trust you

Lisa6534 is away at 6:20:41 PM.

Lisa6534 returned at 7:14:36 PM.

Lisa6534: the flowers just got here darlin

Auto response from SAMSONITE73: class

Lisa6534: thank you so much, they are gorgeous!

Lisa6534: although Jessie just broke one of our vases the other day...so we had a hell of a time trying to find enough things to put them in..that's one hell of a lot of flowers!

Lisa6534: I have some in my room

Lisa6534: some in the kitchen....

Lisa6534: some on the mantel

Lisa6534: I do feel bad accepting them though, since you aren't exactly happy with me at the moment

Lisa6534: but thank you very much, i love them

Lisa6534 is away at 7:17:35 PM.

Lisa6534 returned at 7:53:32 PM.

Lisa6534 signed off at 7:53:37 PM.

Lisa6534 signed on at 7:54:52 PM.

Lisa6534 is away at 7:55:21 PM.

SAMSONITE73: you there?

Auto response from Lisa6534: American Idol....leave a message or gimme a call

Lisa6534: yeah

Lisa6534 returned at 7:57:48 PM.

Lisa6534: but i can't take anohter crying session, i'm exhausted

SAMSONITE73: i'm really sorry, i just overreacted, it's just been another bad day

SAMSONITE73: and i just jumped at you

SAMSONITE73: this isnt your fault at all

Lisa6534: no, really matt, if you think i'm not trying, please, tell me what to do to show you that i'm trying

Lisa6534: i was operating under the assumption that you were the one who had things to prove, but maybe i'm just being slefish

Lisa6534: I thought I was entitled to be

Lisa6534: and i guess that was wrong

SAMSONITE73: all i'm trying to say

Lisa6534: and i'm sorry

SAMSONITE73: is letting me prove things to you is different than being selfish

Lisa6534: i am being selfish because i am not just letting you matt, I NEED you to prove this to me

SAMSONITE73: i know that

SAMSONITE73: needing you to prove ti to me

SAMSONITE73: is different than being selfish

SAMSONITE73: in either sentence i used, that was my point, not the letting part

Lisa6534: i need to prove something to you?

SAMSONITE73: no

Lisa6534: that's what you just said

SAMSONITE73: i know

SAMSONITE73: i just messed up

SAMSONITE73: sorry

SAMSONITE73: i didnt mean to type it that way

SAMSONITE73: i meant me proving it to you

SAMSONITE73: sorry

SAMSONITE73: but it's still different

Lisa6534: I guess, in a way, I was looking at your willingness to try and help me with this, as anohter way for you to prove to me that you are willnig to work at this

SAMSONITE73: well okay, and i'm trying to help

Lisa6534: I know it wouldn't be something plesant to do, and she probably wouldn't be a fan of it

Lisa6534: but i honestly don't care what she wants

SAMSONITE73: but darlin here's the thing, it didn't mean anything

Lisa6534: or how hurt she is by this whole thing

SAMSONITE73: we've been over this

Lisa6534: and forgive me for not believing you

SAMSONITE73: ive told her i dont like her, that i love you, and that this cannot and will not happen ever again

Lisa6534: along with appologizing to her for it happening saying you are sorry....you said you said you were sorry

Lisa6534: that's what i don't get

SAMSONITE73: but you're not gonna believe me even if i did go and talk to her, so what exactly is the difference?

Lisa6534: why you appologized to her

Lisa6534: because i want to know that she said she won't do it again, i want to know that she understands, and i want to know why she did it

SAMSONITE73: because i fucked up to by allowing it, i just dont see what part of that you don't understand

Lisa6534: she should be appologizing to you for doing it

Lisa6534: what part of that don't you understand?

SAMSONITE73: well i figure that you'd know me well enough to know that i accept blame even when it's not totally my fault

SAMSONITE73: even if it's not my fault at all

SAMSONITE73: if i wasnt the solution, then i was part of hte problem

Lisa6534: this is going no where, I can't do this on IM

Lisa6534: I'm gonna go watch tv

SAMSONITE73: you can't do what?

Lisa6534: discuss this in circles over and over and over again

Lisa6534: I feel so helpless and out of control

Lisa6534: that's why I'm not eating

Lisa6534: that's why I went for a run today

SAMSONITE73: but there's nothing i cna do about it

Lisa6534: I need to control something

SAMSONITE73: and i cant help it that you're not eating

Lisa6534: i knwo you can't

SAMSONITE73: or wanting to run

Lisa6534: i'm just saying

Lisa6534: this is stressing me out, this talking ourselves in circles

Lisa6534: cause you've said all this before

SAMSONITE73: and all i'm saying is that you're trying to control a situation

Lisa6534: and i know what you're saying, and you act as if I am not paying attention

SAMSONITE73: that was completely and utterly out of your control

SAMSONITE73: no, i don't you act like i'm not paying attention, it's a two-sided street

Lisa6534: but i don't think you are taking what i have to say to heart

Lisa6534: because if you were, you'd have talked to her, or at least tried to

Lisa6534: rather than trying to convince me that it's pointless

Lisa6534: because you don't want to do it

SAMSONITE73: i don't think you're taking what i say into account either

Lisa6534: which is fine

Lisa6534: don't do it

Lisa6534: it is pointless

SAMSONITE73: well all i'm saying is that

Lisa6534: but really i want to go now because i'm getting upset again

Lisa6534: and i just showered, so I dont' want to go run again

SAMSONITE73: if i went and talked to her you wouldnt believe it anyway

Lisa6534: fine matt, i wouldn't believe it

SAMSONITE73: okay, i guess i'll talk to you later then

Lisa6534: don't do it

SAMSONITE73: you don't believe i love you

Lisa6534: do'nt do anything

SAMSONITE73: you just told me "forgive me if i dont believe you"

Lisa6534: this will work itself out somehow

SAMSONITE73: i see

Lisa6534: I just have to expect less, and work harder, and get over myself

Lisa6534: and listen to you

Lisa6534: and then things can go back to how they were

SAMSONITE73: no you don't have to expect less

SAMSONITE73: and don't patronize me

Lisa6534: yes I do, honestly the way you've made me feel through out this whole thing, is that I haven't worked hard enough, and i don't want it enough, and basically that things aren't all better because it's my fault

Lisa6534: and i'm not doing what i should

Lisa6534: this has comepletely and totally been turned on me matt, even if you didn't mean to do it intentionally

SAMSONITE73: that's not what i'm saying

Lisa6534: because I feel like i am working

SAMSONITE73: at all

SAMSONITE73: and i have not

Lisa6534: i am physically and mentally exhausted from working so hard

Lisa6534: and all i've gotten from you to show that you are sorry and it wont' happen again has been a lot of appologies and flowers

Lisa6534: which were beautiful

SAMSONITE73: what else can i do?

Lisa6534: but it seems like you don't want to do work either

Lisa6534: I don't know

Lisa6534: because what i want or need, you aren't willing to do because you don't think it's necessary, and that's all i'm going to say

Lisa6534: so it's in the past, I've told you how I felt

Lisa6534: and I won't say anything else about it again

SAMSONITE73: okay, ill go talk to her

Lisa6534: i swear

SAMSONITE73: and when i come back and tell you

Lisa6534: no don't matt

SAMSONITE73: what are you going to say? is that gonna help you?

Lisa6534: if you dno't think its necessary

SAMSONITE73: cause if you seriously think it will help, i'll do it

Lisa6534: i just would like to know, answers are always better than questions

SAMSONITE73: what i think is necessary is irrelevant

Lisa6534: don't worry about it

SAMSONITE73: no, i'm gonna talk with her

Lisa6534: cause really, if i have had to ask you this many times for you to take me seriously, then maybe it's not necessary

Lisa6534: and i'm just being ridiculous

Lisa6534: I'm trying to hard not to do things that i think aren't my place

Lisa6534: like tell you I never want you to talk to her or see her again

Lisa6534: that I think is ridiculous

Lisa6534: and not my place to tell you

SAMSONITE73: well i dont care about talking to her again, or seeing her again

SAMSONITE73: obviously i cant not see her if she's in class

Lisa6534: I just didn't think that this was so stupid, to want answers and ask you to try and find them

SAMSONITE73: but fine, i wont talk to her

Lisa6534: do what you want

SAMSONITE73: but if you can't believe me, how is it going from her to me to you going to be any different?

Lisa6534: I don't know matt

Lisa6534: I don't know what i'm looking for, I don't know what I need

Lisa6534: I don't know what i'm doing

Lisa6534: i just know that my best friend in the whole entire world has done something that i never ever thought he was capable of

Lisa6534: and i don't understand why it happened

Lisa6534: or what even happened

Lisa6534: because "she kissed me and i didn't stop her" isn't much of a description

Lisa6534: and so my imagination runs wild

Lisa6534: and honestly in my head

SAMSONITE73: well what would make you the most pissed off then darlin?

Lisa6534: i see the two of you making out for like 10 minutes

Lisa6534: and i picture you kissing her back

SAMSONITE73: just think of that, get that angry

Lisa6534: and that kills me, because from what i understand of you

SAMSONITE73: kick my ass around for it

Lisa6534: you dn't just kiss people

SAMSONITE73: and let me start trying to get back to where i want to be with you

Lisa6534: i don't want to kick your ass

SAMSONITE73: no, that's not true

SAMSONITE73: i don't think kissing is a big deal either

Lisa6534: and i don't want to think the worst

Lisa6534: and then work from there

SAMSONITE73: but I'VE NEVER HAD THAT MANY PEOPLE WHO'VE WANTED TO KISS ME

SAMSONITE73: or that look at me that way

SAMSONITE73: i didnt go out at all in high school really

Lisa6534: sot hat's why you kissed her?

Lisa6534: *that's?

Lisa6534: because she wanted to kiss you

SAMSONITE73: i didnt kiss a girl until 10th grade

SAMSONITE73: no, that's not what i'm saying

Lisa6534: I dind't kiss a guy until 11th grade

Lisa6534: I went to an all girls school

SAMSONITE73: i'm responding to you saying that i didnt kiss a lot of people

SAMSONITE73: and i've kissed a ton less people than you have?

Lisa6534: you said 9

SAMSONITE73: that doesnt mean i think it's a big deal

Lisa6534: i've kissed WAY more than 9

SAMSONITE73: i've just not had the opportunity to kiss a lot of girls

Lisa6534: i just assumed you took it more seriously

Lisa6534: and anyway

Lisa6534: that's not the issue

SAMSONITE73: no, not at all

SAMSONITE73: but it's part of the issue that i bring up

Lisa6534: i just am hoping to hear answers that will make me not have to completely not trust you

Lisa6534: that's what i want

Lisa6534: i don't wnat to start from scratch

SAMSONITE73: you already completely don't trust me!

Lisa6534: i have a hard enough time trusting people to begin with

Lisa6534: fine then, no answers, i'll think the worst

SAMSONITE73: that's not what i'm saying

SAMSONITE73: i'm just saying that you're not believing anything i say

Lisa6534: that's why i'm saying, do what you want, but not doing things i've asked, isn't a good way to get back to whre we were is all I was thinking

Lisa6534: and that I wasn't asking anything hard

SAMSONITE73: and you're not gonna trust the answers i give you

Lisa6534: you don't know that, at this point

SAMSONITE73: well that's what i mean when i say

Lisa6534: answers would be better than your cryptic responses

Lisa6534: make shit up

Lisa6534: lie to me and tell me you talked to her

Lisa6534: i jsut want to know

SAMSONITE73: haha, alright we'll do this right now then

Lisa6534: but this is dumb

Lisa6534: i'm gonna go

Lisa6534: and don't you dare really lie to me

Lisa6534: it's not funny

Lisa6534: i'm gonna go before i cry

Lisa6534: do what you want

SAMSONITE73: and now you're the one saying that this is dumb?

Lisa6534: yes i'm dumb

SAMSONITE73: that's not what i said at all

Lisa6534: i don't know what it is i ened from you matt

SAMSONITE73: well if you don't know, how am i supposed to know?

Lisa6534: i don't know

Lisa6534: because the things i've asked for, you don't want to do, like i said, and i don't wnat you to do anything that ou don't want to do

Lisa6534: but really, i don't want to cry again

SAMSONITE73: it's one thing

Lisa6534: i can't cry again

Lisa6534: i need to go

SAMSONITE73: that i haven't done

Lisa6534: i'll talk to you later

SAMSONITE73: okay, i'll talk to you later then

Lisa6534: well it's one thing that you did that caused htis problem in the first place....

Lisa6534: i love you

Lisa6534: i'll talk to you later

Lisa6534: thank you again for the flowers

SAMSONITE73: love you, bye

Lisa6534: they are gorgeous

SAMSONITE73: glad you like them

Lisa6534: and i'm sorry that i'm being stupid, and i promise from now on

SAMSONITE73: i love you, byebye then

Lisa6534: it's forward

Lisa6534: i won't ask anything else

SAMSONITE73: no, you're not stupid at all

SAMSONITE73: and i'm not saying you are

Lisa6534: although leslie though a re-enactment might be a good plan if you do come up here

Lisa6534: but i won't make you do that either

Lisa6534: ttyl

SAMSONITE73: okay

Lisa6534 is away at 8:23:48 PM.