lyrical_sunshine

Chapter Three “Elementals are, as you know, the source and the beginning of magic in our world.” Karenna sat with her head in her hands, listening in bored dismay to ...

I only saw one grammatical error worth mentioning: Her heart pounded and muscles tightened, shudders wracked her body as she tried to breath, she was trapped! This is a run-on ...

I'm going to be really nit-picky, just because this is so good. :D Prologue The children were not watching the storyteller. Instead their eyes [s]were [/s]focused on the frail boy ...

I quite liked this. Just make sure you watch your capitalization and spacing - sometimes you forgot capital letters at the beginning of the sentences. Also, I'm not quite sure ...

I totally agree with Shafter. End the story with "Forever is a long Time." That is perfect. It leaves the reader in suspense, whereas if you start rambling about Latin ...

Lots of run-ons - watch out for those. Like this one: "She looked out at the grey sky with a smile, this was her world; the closeness of her surroundings, ...

Awww..c'mon..don't you think you guys are being a little hard on Paolini? Everyone KNOWS he's not even near being as awesome a writer as Tolkien, or CS Lewis. But cut ...

It really is nice to see emotion on paper, instead of just flowery words that are pointless. Nice job. Although, I think you need to capitalize, "lord". *hugs Love2act* And ...

Everyone was talking at once, shouting, screeching, laughing. She wanted to get away from them, escape from the pain that they were so unaware of, (period, new sentence) it was ...

HAHA. That was awesome. Very descriptive, very well written. I agreed with KJ on two parts - the "molten ruby" line and the last "Roscoe, Roscoe, Roscoe." That was quite ...

Yeah. I guess Twilight is more relatable...I don't know. I can't relate to Bella being crazy fall-off-a-moutain-and-die about Edward. She's kind of too...hysterical, maybe? Personally my favorite char

prologue/inside cover... My mind racing, heart pounding, legs begging for rest. (this is a fragment - which isn't necessarily bad, just thought I'd let you know ) The darkness that ...

Hey! I have really only one suggestion at this point: I think you should change this from first person to third person. From using "I" to "he". The main reason ...

Well, I'm a Senior, dears, and believe me, it's not all it's made out to be! You're still a teenager, and you still have wildly sporadic bursts of hormones. :wink: ...

Hey there! I'm sensing a friendship/romance/partnership thing developing with Clover and Iolo, and I like it. But for some reason I keep thinking that Iolo is a blind bard. I've ...