Young Writers Society

I. NITPICKS

At the beginning, We were there. After we had served our time, They arrived. And then, for a while, there was peace. Quiet and calm. Then, You imposed yourselves on the world. You humans, you destroyed all of Our history and made your own, you trampled upon the Ancient Ways and forgot your mother tongue all too soon. But Time heals all wounds. You forgot the Ancient Ways, the many worlds on one and most importantly…

Who am I? That is a very good question. Let me tell you now, before I begin to replay the tale of the Past, the Present and the Future, that I am not human, and I am not one of Them. Think of me as [s]like[/s] the innocent bystander who knows all about the car about to hurtle around the corner but for some reason forgets to mention it to the children playing in the road until it is too late. By that time it has happened, Time has happened. But was it meant to happen? What would have happened if the innocent bystander had told the children? They would have lived when they should have become Nothing.

Forever, is a long Time.

At the Past, I am speaking in English, but sadly, we all know that magical creatures speak Latin and some speak other languages [insert comma]too. For your benefit, I will translate, like subtitles at the bottom of a cinema screen, into English. However, at some point in Time we shall meet someone [s]very[/s] like You. For this character I will alter my “voice” to suit Your language.

I totally agree with Shafter. End the story with "Forever is a long Time." That is perfect. It leaves the reader in suspense, whereas if you start rambling about Latin and Fin and stories, people are going to get annoyed and stop reading. Keep the mystery. Keep the sene of growing danger. Don't make your narrator sound like a ten year old. Ok? Ok.

That being said, this is beautiful. Your style is great, and I love the random capitalization - "In the beginning, We were there." Awesome. It gives a very distinct sense of other-ness, as if the narrator is not human, not anywhere close to human.

Nice job.

~Sunny

I like the way that you "show don't tell". By showing us the mood, rather then telling us he was "angry" if you get my drift.

My first and only problem is making every second word a capital letter. I thought it was just after comma's but after reading through realized differently, just a tiny pet hate from me

I saw "Iriad" and thought, 'cheater! You can't steal a title!' because I thought the title was Illiad. Glasses, anyone?

The (Narrator) No need to tell us there's a narrator coming. We readers will gather that as we go (at least I hope we will. Somebody has a problem, otherwise!)


At the beginning, We were there. After we had served our time, They arrived. And then, for a while, there was peace. Quiet and calm. Then, You imposed yourselves on the world. You humans, you destroyed all of Our history and made your own, you trampled upon the Ancient Ways and forgot your mother tongue all too soon. But Time heals all wounds. You forgot the Ancient Ways, the many worlds on one and most importantly… I think I'll be in the minority here when I say this, but the first four or five sentences felt too abrupt, too choppy. Also, I understand why you capitlized "We" and "They" (though I think you should designate names and stop making me think you're using random Capitalization, but that's just my opinion,) but I wonder why you capitalized "You". We, the humans, the broken fourth wall, know who you're talking to and let us tell you, our name isn't You.

In general, the random Capitalization just looks bad and clumsy in a piece of writing, especially when you have as many as you do. They stop making impact when you use them too much. Emily Dickenson got away with it, but then again, she was way ahead of her time.

You forgot me. I like this. Good impact, nice and clear, paints a picture of your narrator and the narrator's significance.

Who am I? That is a very good question. Let me tell you now, before I begin to replay the tale of the Past, the Present and the Future, that I am not human, and I am not one of Them It gets frustrating reading so much random Capitalization after awhile. I keep wondering who the heck you're talking about and, if your narrator can't come out and say it, why are you telling part of the story from her view? She obviously isn't qualified to tell the story, at least not now.. Think of me as like the innocent bystander who knows all about the car about to hurtle around the corner but for some reason forgets to mention it to the children playing in the road until it is too late. By that time it has happened, Time has happened. But was it meant to happen? What would have happened if the innocent bystander had told the children? They would have lived when they should have become Nothing.

This is why I am replaying the tale to You, even though it has not yet happened, I am replaying it. For You are Past, not Present and You must know what the Future holds and what will happen if a person should become Nothing before their time. This made absolutely no sense at all. I read the paragraph three times over and I'm still not entirely sure what you're trying to say. You lost a lot of clarity and preciseness here, which, despite the jarring random Capitalization, I felt you had in the previous bits.

-AND cut!-

Very interesting! I like the strong style here and the brooding tone. I can feel the hatred without you telling me. Good job.

First of all, a tiny nitpick: I'd say "In the beginning," instead of "at the beginning." Why? Because that's the way the most-read book of all time begins. Almost everyone knows the reference, and that alone lends resonance to an opening line.

Now, on to the critiques.

First of all, you're a little capitalization-crazy. While capitalizing something can create an impact, too many Creates a Bumpy ride For the eyes and Gets annoying Quite quickly. See what I mean?

Secondly, there were a few places where that great, immortal writing voice was suddenly replaced by the awkward voice of the author. For instance:

SishBee wrote:Think of me as like the innocent bystander who knows all about the car about to hurtle around the corner but for some reason forgets to mention it to the children playing in the road until it is too late.

This is why I am replaying the tale to You, even though it has not yet happened, I am replaying it.

Forever, is a long Time.

At the Past, I am speaking in English, but sadly, we all know that magical creatures speak Latin and some speak other languages too. For your benefit, I will translate, like subtitles at the bottom of a cinema screen, into English. However, at some point in Time we shall meet someone very like You. For this character I will alter my “voice” to suit Your language.

-I have just decided that, due to all magical names sounding silly in English, I will leave the names in their original language and will give you the translation of the Latin ones.

Hey SishBee,
Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = words/punctuation/sentences that I've inserted.
Let's get this party started!

SishBee wrote:The (Narrator)


At the beginning, We were there. After we had served our time The way you wordedf the beginning of this sentence sounds like they're in jail. I know that you mean stayed on Earth for a good amount of time but it sounds a little akward. Try to reword it , They arrived. And then, for a while, there was peace. Quiet and calm. Then, You imposed yourselves on the world. You humans, you destroyed all of Our history and made your own, you trampled upon the Ancient Ways and forgot your mother tongue all too soon. That was a runon sentence. try and split up your ideas. I love the way that you employ the word you though [s]But Time heals all wounds.[/s] You forgot the Ancient Ways, the many worlds on one On one what? I'm confused by your wording here and most importantly…

You forgot me.

Who am I? [s]That is a very good question.[/s] Let me tell you now, before I begin to replay the tales of the Past, the Present and the Future, that I am not human, and I am not one of Them. Think of me as [s]like the [/s]an innocent bystander observing the world below but not partaking in the action [s]who knows all about the car about to hurtle around the corner but for some reason forgets to mention it to the children playing in the road until it is too late [/s] Not a big fan of your analogy. I think it would work better with what I put but you don't have to use it . By that time it has happened, Time has happened. But was it meant to happen? What would have happened if the innocent bystander had told the children? They would have lived when they should have become Nothing. Again, the ending of this passage confused me. You mention Time which threw me off completely. Please explain a little more

This is why I am replaying the tale to You, even though it has not yet happened, I am replaying it. For You are Past, not Present and You must know what the Future holds and what will happen if a person should become Nothing before their time.

What would you do if you sacrificed everything to put things right [s]when the right is only meant to last [/s]for a few more days, hours, minutes… seconds? And what would You do if upon righting the wrong which then became Nothing anyway, you found that You ceased to exist, forever?

Forever, is a long Time. I love this line!

But enough of my riddles and musings, there is a story to be [s]shown[/s] told. I will begin the tale of the Present with Fin. Fin is a boy who will come to play his part in Time, as will the other colourful characters we shall meet along the way. You reveal/tell too much in this last sentence. It also is a bit of excess wordage. Just say he's a boy and don't tell us that there will be other characters, there always is

[s]At the Past, I am speaking in English, but sadly, we all know that magical creatures speak Latin and some speak other languages too. For your benefit, I will translate, like subtitles at the bottom of a cinema screen, into English. However, at some point in Time we shall meet someone very like You. For this character I will alter my “voice” to suit Your language.

-I have just decided that, due to all magical names sounding silly in English, I will leave the names in their original language and will give you the translation of the Latin ones. [/s] I really think the whole part about languages is irrelevant, but that's my opinion. Your prolgoue would work better if you just went into the tale with the line below

And now, I shall begin my tale, in the skies of the Present…


*Ok, this is only a maybe for my prologue, so let me know if you think there is anything I should change. I am not entirely happy with it, but I am not sure what needs tweaking so I would like to hear your thoughts.*

Thanks,

~SishBee~
x

Wow, that's really good. I love your use of syntax, by capitalizing words such as 'We' 'Our' and 'They' you really give the reader a sense of hate.

Also, I don't think you need 'The(narrator)' at the beginning, the reader when they read the next chapters will know that you have switched POV's on them. For a example take a sheet out of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights: Bronte uses three different narrators throughout the duration of the story.

This is good.