Young Writers Society

how did that guy in the first scene appear. Why was he just randomly sitting in a classroom. You should try to explain a bit what you were thinking on that one.
Also, this would make a good musical. just a thought.
The dialouge is very realistic. good job!

Hiya!

First I'm going to dive into my issues with this:

-What's with Michael? I mean, I know he's there to explain these things, but I feel like he's kind of like the narrarator, which he shouldn't be. I think that there is a smoother way to describe what's going on.
-I don't think that this should be a stageplay. It would work much much better as a screneplay. The whole flashback thing and the whole Michael thing would maybe make more sense if it was like a movie. Flashbacks are a hard thing to pull of in a stageplay. And if it were like a movie, maybe you could have a scene where Michael is explaining to someone (like the principle, for example) Victoria's situation, so that way the viewer gets the general idea of what's going on, and doesn't make them feel like they have to have it be explained to them. This also gives us a chance to get a better feel of Victoria's feelings without the whole "lights dim and spotlight shines on Victoria" thing.

The good points:
-I like the characters. Victoria is believable, and Jared seems like a good guy (besides the stalkerish creepy quality that he has. Hee hee).
-It's a nicely written script. You definitely know how the form, language, puncuation, and grammer of scripts goes.

Anyway, I'm not saying that this doesn't have any room for improvement. But if you take up that room, I think you'll have a nice script!

Eh, this never really stood out, but you squandered what promise it did have fairly shortly. It wasn't an exercise in incompetence, no you seem to be fairly adept at scriptwriting, but it all comes down to the story in the end, and what you have here is neither heartwarming, nor enthralling.

[spoiler]
Opening Scene:
The scene opens on a classroom. The teacher is talking to a student at her desk I suggest you write this dialogue, along with some exposition where we are introduced to Jared and the other girls. It's awkward starting so suddenly. as the other students quietly talk amongst themselves. There is a knock at the door. The boy turns around as the teacher looks up to see Victoria standing inside the doorway. A man is standing to the side of the stage. We can see him, but he is obviously not apart of the scene.

Teacher: Yes? May I help you?

Victoria holds out a piece of paper. With a sigh, the teacher gets up from her desk and takes it from her.

Teacher: (After a pause) Oh. I see. (She turns to the class.) Class, it seems we have a new student. What kind of high school is this when a kid can just walk into the class and all the teacher can muster is a "Oh, well it seems..." No surprise? Why hasn't she been notified? Please welcome… (She looks at the paper again) Victoria Knoll.

A couple of hi’s and hey’s are heard. Then an awkward silence ensues.

Teacher: Why don’t you come over here and tell us a little bit about yourself.

Victoria slowly walks over to the front of the desk to stand next to the boy. He looks at her intently.

Victoria: (She looks down and fidgets a little as she begins to speak) as you know my name is Victoria Knoll-
Man at the side of the stage: (He walks out to center stage and addresses the audience. The lights dim and there is a spot light on him Victoria is still talking I presume. Note this as well. ) I’m very sorry to disturb you all tonight but I just had to say something.
My name is Michael Knoll, and that girl over there, (He turns slightly to gesture towards Victoria. There is now a spotlight on Victoria) she’s my daughter. She and I have been living without her mother, Miranda, for thirteen months. Last year she died of breast cancer, and it has been hard on us ever since. Since then Victoria just hasn’t been herself, but then neither have I… After her mom died she became quiet and secluded. My once outspoken daughter that had been student body president and head cheerleader became a quiet bystander in her own life. These are things I feel I must tell you for you to grasp the full meaning of this story. She will claim that she’s fine, but she’s not. She will claim that this is the life she wants, but it isn’t. She will tell you that she is happy to be here, but I can assure you that she is not. It would be a mistake to believe differently. He's so unemotional about it. He should look sad when his he speaks about his wife. He should say "I don't know what to do about Victoria... Don't forget your stage directions as cues for emotion.

Michael walks back to his spot at the side of the stage and the lights are no longer dimmed.

Victoria: (She looks up now, almost defiantly) This is my fourth move in the last thirteen months, and I am very happy to be here.

End Scene One

Recipe for choppy scene changes. Think about this onstage. People are going to be sitting around for several minutes while you change scenes. Why not have one classroom- same as last scene - and when she switches classes, just artfully change the peripheral scenery? (New posters, a globe, ect.)


Open Scene Two
The stage is split into two classrooms. One faces stage left and the other faces stage right with a partition in between separating the two classrooms. No two classrooms are illuminated at the same time.
This scene opens up on stage left. The class is in session, and Jared and Victoria are seated near each other in the back. Downstage I hope.

Jared: I see you.

Silence

Victoria: (Uneasy because she knows he’s still staring at her) I think there's a lot more to be uneasy about... This is where you start reaching for the pepper spray. I can see you too. Aren’t we a little old to be playing Peek-A-Boo?
Jared: I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I see you. Yeah, something too relaxed about Victoria's reaction. Or, too strange about Jared's.
Victoria: Yes, I know. You’ve been boring holes into my back all day.
Jared: (Smiles in mild amusement) You noticed that, huh?
Victoria: Kind of hard to miss the new set of storage compartments you’ve burned for me in my back. You can do cleverer then that. How is that a good put-down?
Jared: (His smile grows broader) I’m sorry. Have I made you uncomfortable? DUH!
Victoria: Takes more than a wandering gaze from a pervert to make me squirm. How about a stalker?
Jared: (Laughs out loud, and the teacher turns from the board to give him a withering gaze and then turns back around. He whispers.) So, you’ve got me all figured out have you?
Victoria: I think I’ve got the gist, but I don’t care enough to ask any questions. (She turns to face him) or answer any. (She turns back around) So if you’ll excuse me. I must be getting to my next class now. (The bell rings and Victoria is the first one out of class.) Shouldn't she go before the bell rings? Does she have the schedule memorized in her first day of school?

We open on this new classroom on stage right and everyone is quiet and hard at work. After a few moments Victoria looks at the teacher surreptitiously, then gets the attention of a girl beside her.

Victoria: (Whispers) Jasmine! Hey Jasmine!

Jasmine turns slightly to look at Victoria.

Victoria: Hey… umm… I was just wondering If you ah… could tell me a little bit about that guy over there, is he a stalker?(She gestures over at Jared).

Jasmine looks over at Jared and frowns a little.

Jasmine: Him? (Pause) I don’t know too much about him… he’s lived here for a long time. I know that much, but… well, I guess he just keeps to himself, you know? Oh! (Turns to a girl on her other side and whispers) Hey Taylor!

Taylor looks over at Jasmine.

Jasmine: Isn’t that guy over there (Gestures to Jared) in the yearbook club with you?

Taylor turns and looks over at Jared, then grimaces. She turns back to Jasmine.

Taylor: Yeah. So?
Jasmine: The new girl over here wants to know more about him.

Taylor looks at Victoria.

Taylor: Don’t waste your time. He never talks to anyone. He’s completely anti-social. I used to work with him sometimes at the beginning of the year, and I would get really excited because he’s cute and I wanted to get to know him better, but I don’t think he said more than three sentences to me in that entire time, and one of them was (She imitates Jared’s voice) “You’re in my way.” So rude! Are we in Victorian England suddenly? Since when does anybody say "so rude" to you?
Victoria: Were you?
Taylor: Was I what?
Victoria: In his way.
Taylor: Yes, but-

Victoria cuts her off.

Victoria: Why?
Taylor: (Becoming visibly annoyed) why what?
Victoria: Why were you in his way?
Taylor: Because I was trying to get his attention! All I did was wave my hand in front of his camera a bit.
Victoria: Then how was he rude? If anything you were the one that did something offensive. Why is she so combative? She's being a jerk.

Taylor glares at Victoria then turns to Jasmine.

Taylor: You really ought to watch who you talk to you know.

The class on stage left is now illuminated, while the class on stage left has been darkened. Victoria is sitting in her seat getting ready for class and Jared walks in and sits right behind her.

Jared: (As he passes by her) Fancy meeting you here.
Victoria: (Is visibly perturbed and sighs audibly) Why is it that you seem to pop up everywhere I go?
Jared: I thought you didn’t care enough to ask any questions.
Victoria: Oh. How mature. Do you always throw peoples words back at them? Or are you just having a bad day?
Jared: Actually (He pauses as he looks at her) I’m having a particularly good day today. (Another pause) And the only reason I threw back what you said is because it was said carelessly. You’re not the type of person that would just let something go. So to not ask any questions is completely against your nature. People do not talk like that... ever.
Victoria: (Incredulous) How would you know what my nature is? You don’t know me!

The teacher looks over at Victoria.

Teacher: Do you have something to share with the class Miss Knoll?
Victoria: No, sir.
Teacher: Then I suggest you start taking some notes and catching up with the rest of the class.
Victoria: Yes, sir.
Jared: (Whispers) I don’t mean to sound presumptuous, but like I said, I see you.
Victoria: What are you? A medium? Am I a ghost?
Jared: You may as well be.
Victoria: (Looks taken aback) What is that supposed to mean?
Jared: You come to class, but you don’t come in. You just stand in the doorway looking for all the world as if you were wishing your hardest to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Like someone had just stolen your Ruby Slippers and you had no way to get home. Then you walk in, looking positively miserable, slap a fake smile on your face, and tell us all that you are “very happy to be here!”
When you walk in the halls you are practically one with the walls. It’s as if you may die if someone even comes close enough to breathe on you. You do your best to seem invisible, but… I see you. And I can tell you were meant to stand out. Nor like this.

The lights dim and a spotlight appears on Victoria.

Victoria: (Belligerently) Where does this guy come off? How dare- How dare he?!? How can he judge me like that? Making all these assumptions about someone he’s only known for a few hours? Not even a whole school day? I mean, yeah… some of those things may be true but… But he has no right to… (Looks down as if thinking)!

The lights come back on and the class becomes animated again. Victoria slowly looks up, gathers her things, and moves to another seat closer to the board, and far away from Jared. The class is still going on as the lights fade.
While the lights are out the students will move to the other classroom at stage right. Victoria and Jared are not sitting anywhere near each other they are on opposite ends of the classroom. There is also a new teacher.

End Scene Two




Open Scene Three
This scene is a flashback. The curtains are closed. There is a spotlight on Victoria as she is sitting on the edge of the stage at the center. She is visibly upset. A woman comes out and sits beside her and hugs her.

Victoria: (Crying and whispering) It’s not fair.
Miranda: Nope. It’s not. It’s not fair at all.

Victoria looks up at her mother.

Victoria: Then how can you be so cool and nonchalant about it?! You’re dying, mom!

Miranda looks at Victoria and smiles weakly.

Miranda: Honey, I’m far from nonchalant, but… would you rather see me bawling my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself in the little time we have left together? Or, would you like to see the mother you know and love?
Victoria: (Through tears) You shouldn’t have to be strong for me. It should be the other way around.
Miranda: (Still smiling) No. It’s ok. This is something that I’ve already come to terms with. But, you do need to be strong for your dad, and he needs to be strong for you. This isn’t something you can get through on your own, and you shouldn’t have to. You and your father really need each other now.
(Pause)
It’s ok to be sad, but promise me it won’t be forever, ok?
Victoria: I promise.

Spotlight fades out.

End Scene Three


No point for that scene whatsoever. Never builds anywhere, never produces anything.

Open Scene Four
The scene opens up onto a new split stage. Stage left we see a background of lockers. Stage right we see the background of a girls bathroom. The two sides of the stage are separated by a partition to create the illusion of two separate rooms. Victoria is in the bathroom and Jared is leaning with his back against the lockers, waiting. We hear the sounds of water running and Victoria seems to be splashing her face with water. Once again we see Michael at the side of the stage, and again we can see him but he is not apart of the scene.

Victoria: (anguish) So I’m not okay! It’s not a crime, and it’s nobody’s business! Moving sucks! And this past year’s just been a blur. I’m a stranger in my own life. Sunday mornings used to begin with the smell of Mom’s homemade French toast; now it’s Dad’s burnt toast. (sigh) I know she didn’t want to go… but she did. And I know I won’t see her again. I don’t like having to deal with all that pain… but I have to. (sniffles) This sucks! But I know she wouldn’t want me to be like this. I have to make her proud. I don’t like having to deal with all that pain… but I have to. It’s time for me to face my life head on. I am not a coward and I refuse to accept this as my life. [s]Plus... I did make her a promise.[/s] She's pretty damn ungrateful to her father, who seems to be doing his best. Learn to make your own toast.

Victoria now picks up her things.

Victoria: (laughs quietly) I guess I have to thank him. Why? He’s going to think I’m crazy. This whole day has been so bizarre. I don’t even know his name…

Victoria walks through the door in the partition and stops short when she sees Jared against the lockers. He looks over at her and walks towards her. When he reaches in front of her the lights dim and two individual spotlights appear above them.

Jared: Hi. My name is Jared. I’m kind of quiet, but I notice things. I noticed you today. Would you like to be friends?

Silence
Victoria smiles and holds her hand out and Jared shakes it.

Victoria: Thanks. You have no idea what this means to me.

Victoria and Jared walk out of their spotlights and off of the stage.

Michael: That’s my girl. Apparently your girl befriends stalkers. Does he honestly think this is the end of her problems? Doubt it.

Lights dim.

End[/spoiler]

Plot: All that for a platonic relationship? There's nothing there! We have a girl, who is clearly in a depressing but by no means unique situation. She enters a new school and immediately fits in. The guy behind her turns out to be a stalker and yet, for purposes which are not in any way grounded in reality, she talks to him. Then we have an utterly confusing scene which is in some way intended to invoke sympathy for Victoria, but is so uninteresting and unimportant that we're better off ignoring it. Then, back at the ranch, Victoria finds Jared actually stalking her, and, instead of running away screaming, she thinks to thank him? And he, instead of asking her on a date, asking for her number, making passionate love to her, just asks if she wants to be his friend. And that's it.

There's not drama, no substantial conflict, just backstory and exposition. You've written the beginning of a play, not a play.

Dialogue: Jared's dialogue in particular is poorly constructed. He's waaay to creepy then you may have intended, and so we can't help but feel he's going to attack VIctoria at the end. He's like one of those children in a horror movie, the "I see dead people" sort, who always ought to creep everyone out in a 200ft radius.

Victoria also come off exceedingly strangely, she's bipolar and changes her emotion multiple times during the play. I count:
1. Quiet/depressed
2. Suspicious
3. Interested
4. Combative
5. Sad
6. Angry
7. Happy
The only excusable change is during the flashback, and I'd cut that anyway. This is a character who evolves way to fast and with little provocation. It's impossible to get a read on her.

Michael is an interesting but useless addition. I like the thought, but you need much more to weave him into the story.

***

Write more of this. There's not enough story to go around. Give us rising action, a conflict, a crisis, a climax, and falling action, and then you'll be done. Dramatic structure should not and can not be ignored.

I quite liked this. Just make sure you watch your capitalization and spacing - sometimes you forgot capital letters at the beginning of the sentences.

Also, I'm not quite sure if I liked how Michael Knoll popped in only at the beginning and the end. He feels like he could be a good, subtle kind of narrator, but it's a little jarring when he only comes in twice. I feel like he should be there more often or not at all.

Jared's introduction seemed a little odd to me too. It doesn't feel like a real introduction. Maybe have her start to ask his name, and he interrupts and just says, "Hi. I'm Jared." It would kind of make more of a statement. It's pretty obvious that he notices things and he's quiet - the other girls told us that much.

Overall, I really liked this. Nice job. You captured emotions and the whole high school atmosphere really well.

~Sunny