Prologue
The children were not, as any casual observer would think, watching the storyteller. She sat on a stump in the field west of the town, with the eleven of them arranged in a semicircle around her. But the children’s eyes were focused on the frail boy who sat on the grass nearest her. He was the only one who did watch her and his pale blue eyes twitched in annoyance whenever she lied—a judgment the children took to heart. They trusted him more than any adult, because he could talk to the gulls by the river-port and, as far as they were concerned, knew everything. His name was Avarn. He was their king.
Sitting beside him in the summer meadow was his second-in-command, a tall girl named Karenna. She had curly brown hair that she refused to put into sensible braids. Her dark locks hung in front of her face, screening her eyes as her fingers played idly with the long grasses. They were even more afraid of her.
Finally the lady finished her tale and gave them a lofty smile, unaware that she had been caught out in every single human-superiority lie. All the children knew the real story. Avarn had told them often enough, and he would tell them again tonight. But for now they scattered back to town, called home for lunch by the tolling of the town square’s bell tower.
Avarn and Karenna didn’t scatter, even when the storyteller glanced questioningly back at them as she made her own way home. She had yet to learn that Avarn and Karenna obeyed the bell only when it suited them.
Instead the two friends ambled for a time in the field, Karenna picking flowers to stick in her thick hair and Avarn studiously correcting the storyteller’s lies. “She made the Elementars sound like monsters,” he said, crossing his arms in frustration. “And how, by Werenna, did she come up with the idea that Gypsies are inherently below humans?” Karenna barely listened to him, she had head it so often before, but the familiar sound of his voice was an essential part of the day, like the warm sunlight and the fragrant field. Eventually Avarn declared it was time to return to town, and they went together down to the docks. There they walked along the riverside until they came to the place where the fishermen dumped their garbage. There were gulls there, hundreds of them, calling and screaming and fighting over scraps and half-rotten fish skeletons. Avarn gave a call in their own language, and one of the gulls fluttered over to him. This gull flew badly, his recently-broken wing jerking as he flapped. Harassed and scrawny, he scoffed down the crust of bread that Avarn offered him.
Karenna smiled and stroked his head. The gull would have snapped at anyone else, but he knew Karenna. He knew that if he hurt her the boy with the water-like eyes would not feed him again. He was quite bright, for a gull.
At length, Avarn spoke, his earlier indignation gone. “Karenna,” he said quietly, “do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
She looked at her leader sharply; he had never said anything like this before. “No, of course not!”
He smiled. “My parents aren’t my real parents.” This was a well-known fact; the two people who had raised him were an elderly leather-merchant and his sister, both kind but fading people.
“Neither are mine,” she rebuffed.
He shifted his gaze back to the gull. “I think,” he said softly, “I think there may well be something different about me. I think that I may not be here much longer.”
“Why?” demanded Karenna.
“I saw a lady yesterday, a new lady. She had long black hair like mine and she said she was my real mother, that I was special, and that tonight, after the story, I must go away to stay with her and her husband.”
“Your father?”
Avarn shook his head. “No. She said she didn’t know who my father was but she was lying.”
"How do you know she's your real mother?"
Avarn gave her a half-smile. "Karenna, it's me."
Karenna stayed quiet for a few moments, stroking the bird. “I don’t want you to go,” she said at last, her words barely a whisper.
“I don’t want to go.”
“Then stay!” At her cry the gull squawked and threatened to fly off. “Why can’t you stay here, my parents can keep you, or you can hide with the gulls and tell them to attack anyone but me who comes near. Or we could—”
He held up a hand, and his eyes were serious. “Karenna,” he soothed, “I won’t be gone forever.”
“I’ll never see you again.” She was close to tears, but she fought them back.
“Of course you will,” he said. “I promise. She’ll teach me to be a magician, like she said, and then I’ll come back to you. I promise, Karenna.”
“Is she a magician?” Karenna knew how rare that particular class of magic user was, and the thought of Avarn as one made sense to her.
“Yes. And she says that’s why I can talk to gulls and things, because I have an afin…an affin-i-ty for them, for water and air things. She has an affin-i-ty for fire things.”
Karenna considered. “But what if, once you’re a magician, she locks you up in a tower so you can’t be a better magician than her?”
He thought about this for a moment. “Well then I’ll send a gull to come and get you and bring you to me, so you can free me from her and we can stop whatever evils she’s doing together.”
She liked the thought. “Like they do in the stories?”
Avarn smiled. “Yes, in all the best stories. But you have to promise to follow the gull when I send him.”
Karenna clasped her hands to her heart. “I promise.”
He put his hands over hers. “And I promise to never, never forget you, Karenna Morn.”
Chapter One
Tannar watched the young woman as she slept, wondering idly how much damage a well-placed hailstone could do to that willowy body. He decided against it. A solitary hailstone in the middle of spring would be suspicious. Moreover, he had been given specific instructions as to her safety. As he continued to watch her, scratching at the bronze bands around his wrists, he decided he didn’t really want to hurt her. He just wanted her to never have been born.
The wagon they were in trundled along in its caravan, the ground beneath the wheels growing muddy from the mounting rainstorm. The water dripping through the canvas overhead woke her and she started, drawing her bag closer to her body. He couldn’t stop staring at her face. There was something about her eyes.
“I’m Karenna Morn,” she said, snapping him out of his study of her.
“How nice for you,” he replied. She had stopped looking directly at him.
“What’s your name?” she asked. “Sorry to be forward, but you joined three days ago and I still don’t know it.”
He crossed his arms. “Tannar.”
She waited, presumably for a surname. He sighed. It wasn’t her fault, not really. And, to be fair, he had been the one to push Avarn to this. “That’s it,” he said, waving his arms expansively. “Just Tannar.”
“Doesn’t that mean Windstorm?”
He blinked. “How do you know Elemental?”
Her cheeks reddened, but not out of embarrassment. She averted her gaze. “I know a few words.”
He watched her with renewed focus. Maybe there was something special here. Avarn hadn’t mentioned any mage talents. Of course, Avarn hadn’t mentioned the eyes either. Tannar settled back, scratching at the flesh around his wristbands again. This might be interesting after all.
* * *
Karenna found it difficult to avoid his probing stare, and the more he tried to lock eyes with her the tighter she clutched her bag. The comforting shape of the wooden box within calmed her. Finally Tannar gave up his intense study of her face, and the rain slackened off.
The wagon jerked, sending a wine barrel toppling down onto her. It pinned her, and she could hear the contents sloshing around as she struggled to move it. The rough wood of the barrel scraped her hands and the smell of wine made her want to gag.
Tannar watched her for a moment, then leaned forward and shifted the barrel with little discernable effort. For an instant he was above her, his soft black eyes looking directly down into hers. Karenna could have sworn there was something invisible and otherworldly behind those eyes. And then he was back on his side of the wagon, and she shook her head, dislodging such fancies.
She sat up, still clutching the bag. He wasn’t looking at her anymore, and a part of her wished that he would. With the strength born of long practice, she shut the door on such emotions and settled back to sleep.
* * *
That night the three wagons of the caravan drew together in a circle around the blazing fire. A handsome black coach had joined them that morning, but now it sat a good distance away. Apparently its occupant would not deign to join his fellows. Tannar couldn’t blame him.
There were five other youths heading for the Dirantyr Training Academé, huddling together as if they had never been more than a few miles from home before. While their government required two years of training at their Academé, it did not provide transport. Most students, like these, negotiated rides on the supply wagons that streamed westward every spring, in caravans for safety.
The Academé would provide a somewhat higher degree of education than what these children had learned at home, as well as training them in the basics of war-making. Even though the plague fifty years ago had depleted Dirantyr’s population and army, it knew how to use resources, and how to train its children.
Those students who wanted to join the steadily-rebuilding army would be sent to different locations for further training. And for those who showed mage talents—well, half the teachers were mages of one kind or another, and all Possible Mages were earmarked almost from the first day of classes. If nothing else, Dirantyr had a higher level of magic in its population than almost any other realm, and was careful not to waste any of it.
But the five clustered around the bonfire didn’t look promising.
Tannar hated fire, but he could not be seen acting like he didn’t need its warmth. So he sat as far away from the dancing flames as he could while still being touched by the heat. Karenna seemed to have no more love for the element than he did. She was perched on the offending wine barrel directly across from him, watching the flames with a definite air of distrust. The man next to her was scarred and carrying a sheathed sword—apparently some kind of guard for the caravan. He offered her some cheese, and she turned to accept it. As soon as he saw her face he started, dropping the cheese to the muddy ground. “You’ve got Gypsie Eyes!” he exclaimed. Tannar tensed.
Karenna sprang to her feet, holding out her hands. “Please,” she said above the sounds of surprise, “I’m not a Gypsie. I swear, I’m not.”
Dark mutterings began to rise from the drivers, fearful whispers from the youths. “My sister’s little girl got lost in that Gypsies’ Forest more than a month ago,” said one of the wagon masters, loud enough for all to hear. “They haven’t seen her since!”
“That’s nothing to do with me!” Karenna yelled in rising panic. “My eyes are just a fluke, I swear.”
“That might be,” said the man who had just spoken. “But to have their eyes and their height?”
At his accusation the other men of the caravan stood. Only three of the dozen or so were taller than Karenna, and not by much. Tannar hadn’t noticed it before, cramped in the wagon as they often were, but now that he looked he saw she did indeed have a Gypsie’s tall, thin build, the arms and legs just that tiny bit longer than normal. This was not looking good. Karenna just stood there, speechless, as if no one had ever noticed her height before. She finally managed to stammer, “My father was a tall man…”
But now they were moving towards her slowly, half cautious of the inhuman magic that all Gypsies could summon at a whim, half weary from their long day of travel. Karenna backed away, her placating arms still spread. “Please,” she whispered, and they paused. This wasn’t normal Gypsie behavior, this timidity.
Tannar sighed. He should probably intervene. He rose to his feet, casually but in such a way that no one could fail to notice. “If she were a Gypsie,” he said, trying to sound bored as if the topic were of no personal interest to him, “what were you planning on doing with her? Kill her? Drive her away?” He gave them a chance to reflect on this. Did they want to be the kind of men who harmed a frightened, unthreatening girl? “Take another look, gentlemen—does she at all resemble one of those vagabonds? Why, she trembles like a leaf when you so much as look at her.”
“Why are you so eager to step up in her defense?” shouted one of the hotter-headed men. But the others seemed to be reconsidering. They’d had a full day, and it wasn’t as if she were acting even remotely like the sly, devious thieves and snatchers they’d heard of. On top of this, what Gypsie would be so stupid to wander so far from its own territory? And try to pass itself off as a human kid? He could almost see the thoughts turning in their minds, and shook his head. Such easily influenced creatures.
Still, Tannar couldn’t afford to let the question pass unanswered. He shrugged. “She’s been riding in the same wagon as me—don’t you think I’d have noticed if she cursed the horses or ate her meat raw?”
This seemed to satisfy them more than anything, for with his average build and normal-colored eyes, there was no way he could be anything other than human. Slowly they settled down, but all of them gave Karenna a wide berth. She glanced around at her suddenly distant companions. With a sigh, she sat down and stared at the fire.
Tannar had learned the price of compassion; the bands around his wrists spoke volumes about the folly of pity. And yet he felt sorry for her. Inwardly berating himself for his stupidity, he caught her gaze. She glanced up at him, her expression wary. He smiled and, for an instant, let his eyes glow with their natural cerulean brilliance.
* * *
Karenna lay in the wagon, pretending to be asleep. She heard Tannar’s breathing, steady and low, but there was something artificial about it. It sounded as if he had only ever watched other people sleep. She opened her eyes a slit.
“Having trouble sleeping?” he asked. Karenna’s heart lurched in surprise.
“Having trouble yourself?” she whispered. The incident earlier had frightened her more than she cared to show, and she was still not sure how to go about thanking Tannar. Had he truly been trying to protect her? Or had it just been some sort of whim?
Tannar shrugged. “I’m not tired.”
No, of course you’re not, she thought. I haven’t seen you sleep for the past two nights in a row. Why should this night be any different? The wagon wasn’t moving. The driver, at least, had the usual human requirements for rest. Karenna sat up and hugged her knees to her chest. It was dark, outside and in, and the thin layer of wagon canvas and the homespun weave of her dress did little to stave off the spring chill. She shivered.
He cocked his head to one side. “Are you cold?”
Karenna set her head on her knees. “Yes.”
Tannar slipped off his dark cloak and passed it across to her. Karenna let her fingers explore the garment. The fabric was soft wool lined with something that felt like silk. Her adopted mother was a weaver, and so she knew the world of fabric inside and out, but she refused to believe that a boy with a silk-lined cloak would travel to the Dirantyr Training Academé in a rickety wagon. She wrapped it around herself, feeling the smooth fabric against her skin. Definitely silk.
“Thank you,” she said, trying to make the words apply to more than just the cloak.
Again, the silhouette shrugged. “You can keep it if you like.”
Karenna gaped. “You’ve got to be joking.”
Tannar did not answer for a long time, and Karenna got the impression that he was staring at her again. She folded the cloak more tightly around herself, aware for the first time how small the space between them was. “What is it?”
He shook his head slightly. “Nothing,” he said, his voice softer than she had ever heard it. “Sorry for staring…yes, go ahead and keep the cloak, I don’t need it.” With that he lay down and rolled over so he wasn’t facing her. Karenna watched him for only a moment before doing likewise.
* * *
High in the mountains north of Dirantyr stood a castle. Most of it was carved from the mountain behind it, and its spines jutted up to pierce the sky with more malice than any mountaintop. Its mistress was in her study, pouring through the leather-bound tomes as she was always doing. Her son, the only other occupant, sat at a magnificent piano in his bedroom. The ivory keys of the instrument glowed in the light of the roaring fireplace and the polished black surface gleamed. His fingers danced across the keys, coaxing the piano into song. The music echoed around the high, vaulted ceiling above him and through every room of the deserted palace.
His eyes were closed as he played, his whole body swaying with the force of the music. When the last note died away, he rubbed his eyes and opened them. Palest blue, they stared out sightlessly at room around him. Avarn stood, keeping one hand on the top of the piano, and listened. He could just barely hear it, the sound of another’s heartbeat, the sound that had constantly filled his mind for the past six years. It was faint now, and very far away, but it was still there. Slowly he smiled, and felt his way to his favorite chair next to the fire. Sitting down, he picked up a slim book and leafed through it until he came to his bookmark. He could feel the slight texture of the ink on the thin pages, but Tannar had left before they’d finished it.
He sighed and gently closed the book, setting it carefully aside. His eyes gazed unfocused into the fireplace as the heartbeat lulled him into a dreamless sleep.
* * *
Tannar had been lying sleeplessly on his back when the howl rent the still night air. In an instant he was up and shaking Karenna. “Wake up,” he hissed.
She muttered something and rolled over. Scowling, he formed a handful of ice water and doused her.
She came up spluttering, “What in the name of—”
“Werebeasts,” he snapped. “Wolves, by the sound.”
For a moment she stared at him. “By Werenna.”
Again, he shook her “Get whatever’s in that bag of yours and have it ready to defend yourself. The horses will have woken with that howl; the others won’t be far behind.”
“And what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to try to make sure that at least this wagon and horse survive to get us to the Academé.” He slipped out of the wagon; the horses whinnied when they saw him and pranced nervously away, tugging at the ropes that tethered them. Like him, they knew what approached. Then, in the eerie half-moonlight, he saw them; at least a dozen huge, wolf-shaped animals charging the caravan. Their leader was a big gray he-Wolf, with long, powerful legs and mad red eyes. He stared directly at Tannar and let loose a challenging howl.
There was no point in being subtle. Massive storm-clouds gathered quickly in the dark sky and a great gust of wind shoved at the Werewolves. The enormous he-Wolf snarled and, muscles bunching, leapt at him.
A concentrated beam of powerful blue-green light pierced the Werewolf’s chest, sending him sprawling in the thick mud.
Tannar glanced over his shoulder to see Karenna standing next to the wagon, her long brown hair streaming with water and her dress and cloak lashing back and forth in the driving wind and rain.
She held a wand.
* * *
Students and workmen alike rushed to the wagon nearest the center of the circle. Jataal watched them flock to him like chicks to be hidden under a hen’s wings, the Werebeasts drawing ever nearer. He sighed and climbed wearily down from the wagon seat where he had been dozing. “Get into my wagon, you’ll all fit.”
They obeyed without question, even the wagon-masters. Jataal was a battle mage, now a retired warrior and professor at the Academé. He was, moreover, half the reason it had been nearly five years since the last Werebeast attack.
So it was to be Wolves this time, was it? Nasty creatures they could be, he knew, with all the cunning of an animal, all the intelligence of a human, and all the knife-like teeth they could fit into a mouth. But nothing he couldn’t handle. Jataal wiped his rain-soaked hair back from his face and drew his sword, a blade as scarred as he. One of the lead Wolves snarled and leapt at him. Jataal sliced at him and the Wolf darted back, whining and licking a deep cut in its leg. The others approached more slowly.
Jataal swung his blade up into a defensive stance, droplets of water scattering from the tip. “Come on,” he growled, “it’s been awhile since I had a workout against live targets.”
* * *
Tannar caught his breath as a black she-Wolf howled over her fallen leader’s body and the rest of the pack converged on the heart of the caravan. Two other Werewolves—probably the leader’s other mates—stayed with her, and none of them grieved for long before converging on Tannar.
He leapt over them, splashing down into a puddle behind them. The three Wolves yelped and turned sharply, their claws digging into the muddy earth. Tannar waited until they’d reoriented themselves, then smiled and took off for the nearby bluff. Over the nearly fifty yards, they never once caught up with him. He came up short against the cliff wall and spun to face them, still grinning wildly.
With their murderous attention focused on him, none had noticed that Karenna had followed. She swept her wand across her body with a yell, the magic plowing a furrow in the ground just behind the Wolves’ back paws. The two smaller she-Wolves snarled and turned to face her. Karenna thrust as if she held a rapier, and a dart of blue-green light pierced one through the heart. The other circled, snapping at Karenna’s feet and moving too fast for the girl to get a clear shot.
Ignoring her pack-mate, the black bitch pounced on Tannar. Her superior weight shoved him into the mud. Snarling, she clawed at him and tried to bring her tooth-filed mouth around to connect with his neck. Tannar struggled, and either fury or desperation made the Wolf stronger than he’d anticipated. Cursing, he formed a dagger of ice in his left hand and stabbed deep.
She moaned and backed off him. Blood streamed from the wound, her scrabbling paws churning the sodden earth red with it. Tannar lay in the mud, still clinging to the impromptu weapon. He saw the instant of recognition flash behind her beast-like eyes.
She howled the retreat and fled.
* * *
Jataal smiled, watching the last of the Wolves scamper off. One lay dead at his feet, and at least three others would die within the hour from their wounds. Not too bad for a man on the lee side of fifty years.
He stretched, cracking his back, and cleaned the length of his blade before sheathing it. It would probably need a good sanding later to remove the rust, but that wasn’t his main concern at the moment. “You can come out now,” he said to those cowering within the wagon. Slowly they emerged. Jataal did a quick headcount and frowned. Two missing. He glanced up, and saw a young woman with long brown hair trying to move into the group without attracting attention. His frown deepened. He looked around for the second absent youth. He could see a young man, near the cliff, moving as if dragging something out of sight.
Jataal’s senses were still in their combat-enhanced mode. As such, he could see what the boy was so carefully shoving into one of the cliff’s niches: two Werewolf corpses. The frown became a smile. That would be one worth watching.
* * *
Karenna knew she’d been lucky. Part of the cliff had been between them and the wagons, and the darkness and confusion of the attack had helped distract the workmen from the freak storm and flashes of magic. As the thunderhead dissipated, she realized that it was nearly dawn. Tucking her wand away inside her cloak, she slipped in among the other students. One of the men—the one who had seen her eyes last night—was checking each member of the caravan. His eyes locked with Karenna’s for an instant, and he smiled. “You all right, miss?”
“Yes, thank you.”
He nodded, still smiling, and moved on to check on the others.
“Quite the adventure,” said a voice from behind her.
Karenna turned to see a girl her own age with waist-length blonde hair and a fair complexion. She wore tight-fitting black trousers instead of a skirt and held a riding crop in one hand. All her clothes were black, though obviously cut from the most expensive fabrics and in the most fashionable styles. The girl smiled like a snake with a bird’s egg, and extended a gloved hand. “I’m Shana Liam, I’ve been riding in the coach.” Karenna took the hand gingerly, wondering if she was the bird’s egg. Shana’s smile told her she was. “I wanted to say thank you,” she said.
“For what?” asked Karenna.
“Why, for driving the Wolves away, of course.” Shana’s smile didn’t waver.
“I’m sorry,” said Karenna, easing away. “I think you must have—” She was interrupted by the arrival of Tannar, who glared openly at Shana.
“Who are you?” he demanded. Karenna never thought she would be so glad to see him.
The girl crossed her arms. “I’m Shana Liam. My father is Maraso Liam, advisor to the king.”
“How nice for you,” said Tannar, as if she had told him her father was a common shopkeeper and not one of the most powerful men in Dirantyr.
Shana’s eyes narrowed, but the smile remained fixed in place. “And who, may I ask, are you?”
“You may not ask,” said Tannar, as he took Karenna’s arm and steered her away from the young woman. Once they were a safe distance away, he said, “Friend of yours?”
Karenna scowled. “I hope not.”
He smiled.
“So…” Karenna looked at him sideways. “That was some interesting weather back there.”
“So…” said Tannar without even glancing at her. “Those were some interesting flashes of light back there.”
Karenna said nothing, but smiled quietly to herself.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, gryf. I'm finally getting around to critiquing the future chapters, and I saw that this was editing. I figured I'd take another look, and hopefully actually be some help last time. I wasn't at my best last time, so hopefully this will be a lot more useful to you. xD
Prologue
Overall Comments
I still want more description. I don't feel like I'm there – I can't feel the heat of the sun or the kids bumping into me or the soft grass beneath my feet or see where they are! I feel detached from the story.
I'll do chapter one then give you a more in-depth overall…
Chapter One
Overall Comments
Wow… critiquing the way I did above doesn't look like much, does it? But it's faster than quoting a thousand things, so it's all good. XD
Anyways, I have the same complaints as before the edit, but this time I'm actually conscious and may be able to help? XD
Atmosphere
I don't know when I got in the habit of doing this, but I always call the first things you notice 'atmosphere.' That is, when you walk into a room, what do your eyes automatically go to? Let's make a list:
- The general temperature of the room
- Dim/bright lighting
- Major pieces of furniture
- Common items – books everywhere, trees everywhere
- Indoors/outdoors
- Occupants
- Noise level
- Clean/filthy
So you pretty much notice the extremes, right? You don't think about temperature unless it's freezing or hot – you don't notice how clean something is unless it's filthy.
You need to mention some of this stuff to set the mood. Get us to feel like we're there, you know?
POVs Within Third
You change POVs often, but that's fine, as you do it well. However, sometimes you switch without the ***'s, or you just let us wander off and have a side view. That's a HUGE no-no. XD
Think about it – if you wrote this in first person, who would be 'I'? Take that person, and stick to them like glue. If we're with Kareanna, let us see Tannar smile, and let us feel her reaction, but don't let us know what he's thinking when he's smiling – that would be leaving Kareanna and sticking with Tannar.
Pick someone and let us stay with them – almost as if we were in first person. Even something as simple as 'she heard him call out' rather than 'he called out' can remind us whom we're with. (Key word: remind. Don't do that the whole time. XD)
Bring Us Closer
This goes with the previous two, and if you can get those down, this won't matter as much. (Actually, all of these connect. Your main problem is that you don't let us get close with the characters. Hm… maybe try first person? Not necessarily for this, but just a short story, to get some practice in. First person FORCES you to do all this, so it could be good practice for you.)
So, bringing us closer is just that – brining us closer. Let us feel/see/hear/touch/taste/smell everything! Details, m'dear, are your friend. XD
Show us the sweat on Tannar's face as he fights the wolves. Let us smell the blood, the smell of wolf. (Hey – if dog's smell, wolves have to too, right?) Let us feel the sun on our shoulders, feel the wagon bumping over rocks on the ground.
Actually, I suggest having Heather (kitty15) look this over for you. In my stories, I have next to no details whatsoever. For some reason, I really need Heather to ask me the questions at the end, prompt more description out of each line. Do I listen to everything she says? Heck no! She's a description queen. XD But she makes me realize WHERE I need it, and I do use a lot of what she says. She'll be a lot more help to you than I am, and you should really try asking her for a critique. (Actually, she just make a blog post begging people to do just that! You'll be doing her a favor. XD)
Last Notes
All right, I think I'll give you time to look this over and edit the next few chapters before I go onto them? Because otherwise, I'm just going to say the exact same thing, and that's a waste of everyone's time, no? xD
But I will go read the… cover letter? Synopsis? Whatever that was… and give a little comment, though I may not be much help.
PM me for anything, or if you'd still like me to do a line edit for the next few chapters even before you edit.
Sorry for killing your edited version…? XD I swear this isn't bad – I actually really liked it! How else could I have done such an in-depth critique for such a long piece? – you just had a few things missing that really threw it off.
~JFW1415
Ooh, you edited!
I really liked the added descriptions of the people's response to Karenna when they thought she was a Gypsie. It gives us some idea of what the Gypsies are and why they're so feared, and it made me curious to know more. Nice job.
~Sunny
This is very nitpicky, but perhaps you could mention that the bell is ringing before you say that they’re going home. Just so that it doesn’t come so suddenly, you know?
I don’t know, should that be “into”?
I think if you changed this to, “for Werenna’s sake” it might sound more natural.
I really don’t know why this sentence feels wrong, only it does. Is there a reason why this scene started in the meadow, and not down by the docks in the first place? I thought it did in the earlier versions, and personally, I think it would be smoother if you had kept it like that. Their being in the meadow isn’t desperately necessary -- nothing happens there that couldn’t happen elsewhere.
The last sentence especially is awkwardly worded. Perhaps you could reword to something like, “Avarn gave a call in their own language, and one of the gulls fluttered over to him, its recently-broken wing jerking it about in the air”. That still doesn’t feel right. >_< It’s the “as he flapped” that does it.
It’s very reassuring that it’s a well known fact that a merchant and his sister can’t be parents…
I think “retorted” would work better here.
Uggghhh. Even very bright kids do not talk like that. I don’t think ANYONE talks like that, really.
“If you don’t shut up, I’ll fly away and never come back, and then you’ll be sorry!” Ahem… perhaps show the gull’s actions so it doesn’t sound quite so anthropomorphic.
Question mark instead of a comma. I think I see the effect you’re trying to make, but a question mark would still be better.
I think it would be more realistic (and character whatsiting if we’re being clever) if he did something else with his hand. Put it on her shoulder, perhaps.
Do you need that comma?
This is realistic dialogue, which is why the earlier “I think there may well…” is so jarring.
Imho, it would be more realistic if Karenna offered several scenarios, so it doesn’t come across as implausible. Here it’s like you’re saying, “Way hay, nasty tower time ahead!” whereas if you have several different options, it’s more like she’s actually thinking and considering the possibilities: “But what if, once you’re a magician, she locks you up in a tower or puts you in a dungeon or has someone kidnap you or something so you can’t be a better magician than her?”
I’m never sure in speech like this whether you need a comma or not. It looks incomplete without it, but you don’t say it like there is a comma.
Bad dialogue alert. Unrealistic for a kid. Just say, “Yes, like in the stories.”
I think you can get away with this. It’d be different if it was a boy, but a little girl… I think you can do it.
Whereas here, I’m not sure. These are very deep waters, Watson.
These are at odds with each other. First he’s wondering how much damage a hailstone could do and then he’s discarding the idea of doing it altogether. The second phrase would be all right if he’d just been contemplating the possibility of throwing a hailstone at her, but he was wondering how much damage it could do. Savvy?
This is a little abrupt, don’t you think? She’s suddenly introducing herself to this complete stranger without so much as a by-your-leave.
The last words are awkward. “His study of her”… perhaps you could make it something like, “snapping him out of his reverie” or “snapping him out of his study”.
I get a mental image of a mad windmill Tannar… Why not just wave a hand expansively?
… I’m assuming the two events are related?
Too many “her”s and the second one would be better as, “pinned her down”. Wouldn’t there be a bit more “Ow ow ow ow ouch! Big barrel! Big ouchie here!”?
I think you could nix those commas and no one would get hurt. Reading it out loud there aren’t any commas.
This makes it sound like the plague knows how to use it resources and train its children. Children of the plague… sounds kind of cool, actually.
“Were earmarked from almost the first day of classes” would sound better, I think.
Aw, what a waste of cheese.
I can’t think of another appropriate word to use, but “said” is just too tame here.
I don’t know why, but I like this bit.
I think this could be classed as “too formal dialogue”. “Why’re you so eager to defend her?” could work just as well.
You’ve got a thing for eyes glowing.
“As she always did” would sound better.
The last bit about the polished black surface feels at odds with the first bit, like tacked on. You’ve gone on about the ivory keys and the roaring fireplace, and then this bit about the polished black surface gets jammed on the end. Perhaps make it two sentences? Or one, like, “The light from the roaring fire gleamed on the polished black surface and made the ivory keys glow with milky softness.” Or whatever.
Duh the ceiling’s above him, you don’t need this bit.
I really like the atmosphere created in this chunk. Very peaceful and musing, poignant.
I think this might be better with a tag. “For a moment she stared at him. ‘By Werenna,’ she whispered.” And about the “by Werenna” - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Here, I think it would be better to have something like, “Oh, Werenna.” If you think about how people blaspheme, hardly anyone says, “By God” now. In a situation like this, they’d say, “Oh my god.”
Missing a full stop there. After “he shook her”.
The “then” here feels wrong. You’ve been saying about the horses before, and now you say “then” like there’s been action before leading up to this. It has, in a way, but not the right way... I don’t know if that makes sense, but I’d take out the “then”.
I’m not an expert on wolves, but I don’t think howling is particularly aggressive behaviour. I know these are Werebeasts and all, but still. Howling is so over used.
Awkward. Describe the wind a bit more, so it’s less dumping the info on our toes.
Now that must be a real advantage of fighting with someone who can command storms at will - you can look dramatic without conscious effort.
The end is at odds with the beginning. You’re saying about the students and passengers being like chicks, and it’s a nice image and everyone’s enjoying it when you plunk down the fact about the wolves. Smoother transition needed.
“He knew” is awkwardly fitted in. You could take it out, or make it, “He knew exactly how nasty these creatures they could be…”
Those last words don’t feel right. “All the knife-like teeth they could fit into one mouth”? Idk, just change it.
“As he was” would sound better.
“Sliced at him” is awkward anyway.
A thing I’ve noticed is that there always has to be fearless dialogue in fights like this. It seems to have become a modern necessity. You know in Disney’s Robin Hood, during the final battle when the castle’s on fire and Robin’s fighting with the Sherriff? There’s no dialogue while they’re fighting, no smart comment or witty retort or threat. That makes the fight more intense, even for a Disney film. It feels more real and serious than the fights where everyone’s throwing smart-mouth insults at each other.
Nix, change, reword.
Duh she’s got teeth in her mouth, Birdie.
“Rolled off him” or “backed away” but “backed off him” sounds weird. #
Really like the snake/bird egg image here. ^_^ I think Shana’s dialogue would be better as two sentences, though.
Is this passive voice? Either way, it would be better changed to more direct.
Here, I think you’d be better off without the tag and just have Tannar’s action.
---
I think this was the bit you wanted looking over? If it is, then sorry it took so long in coming, but I lost the message. Either way, I don't think your edits were up to your usual standard, as they say. Several times your word order and repetition were most un-Gyr like. Either that, or my eyes have suddenly got a lot more glaring.
Less is more, formal dialogue must be killed dead, repeating words is usually bad.
Happy tweaking!
Yet again given a make-over as a result of your wonderful critiques! I'd really appreciate any extra feedback that previous editors could give me on the changes. Also, I'll be posting a synopsis of Gypsie Eyes soon, so for those of you who don't mind spoilers and would like to help me out with this critical part of the publishing process, I would be most grateful!
As soon as I read the first paragraph I was hooked and I believe it is because you characterized the boy without even mentioning his name or using dialogue. The same for the girl. There si a definitely appeal to children who are taken just as seriously as adults in this, even having ranks.
" Her dark locks hung in front of her face, hiding her eyes. But all of them knew what her curtain of brown hair hid."- I think this is too much description and basically says the same thing twice. I would take out "brown" or take out 'dark"
-calling and screaming and fighting over scraps and half-rotted fish skeletons.- great imagery
he scoffed down the crust of bread that Avarn offered him.- I think you want "scarfed"
She said she didn’t know who my father was but she was lying.”- comma after "was"
The prologue was really touching, especially for such a brief scene. You established the depth of their friendship very well, and set the stage for their further characterization.
“I’m Karenna Morn,” she said, snapping him out of his study of her.
“How nice for you,” he replied.- LOL! I definitely like your style and the subtle humor. I think your writing is very well developed and as solid as most books I would find at a store.
Even thought the plague fifty years ago had depleted Dirantyr’s population and army,- though rather than thought
Overall, this was an excellent piece of work and I would certainly read more.
Gryf! I have finally come to give you the promised critique – I'm so sorry about the wait.
Prologue
Add a comma after 'instead.' Usually you can ditch it, but you need to change up the structure from the first sentence.
*Glee* Amazing, gryf. Just set up a tad of atmosphere, 'kay? Even if you have to make this two paragraphs, set up the things we notice right away – hot or cold, outside or inside, lots of people or just a few, sitting or standing, day or night, forest or meadow, etc.
I'd ditch the last sentence, and just let the previous one stand as a silent warning.
I really need to feel her emotions here – let us know what he meant to her.
I think it would work better as 'never, ever forget you, Karenna Morn.'
Overall Comments
Even though this is third person and a prologue, you need to find us a buddy. Let us stand next to someone, see the world through their eyes. Right now I'm floating around, not knowing who I'm with, not feeling anything at all.
Especially this part:
Who am I with there? No one.
All I mean is to do things like letting us watch Avarn out of Karenna's eyes, let us feel her emotions and only see the outward signs of his (or vice versa.) Make sense?
Chapter One
That last sentence feels like it was just thrown in there – any way to make it flow better?
Do you mean 'even though'?
That was… random. Let us see this – feel it. Tannar is basically our MC right now – what's he think of this? Yes, we see some in the next paragraph, but what's his initial reaction?
Sleep, not slept.
Semi-colon rather than a comma, methinks.
Overall Comments
Hm… not too shabby.
Setting the World
*Points to Sam* I echo her.
Atmosphere
This is just the things you notice right away, as I said waaaaay up there during the prologue. Honestly, I can't see your characters, simply because I don't know where they are. Is it night? Pitch-black, or is the moon full? A thick forest or a clearing? Lots of people, or just three or four?
History
Karenna seems fine, but Tannar really bugs me. He was just thrown in there without warning, which is all right, but he was never given a meaning. Who is he? Don't tell us everything, but give us a little information. You spent more time on the teacher than him!
Eh, my brain's still being stupid, so I doubt this is very helpful. O.o This isn't too bad, but you do need more details and atmosphere. Some stories can survive without it, but this one can't.
PM me for anything, including more critiques. Maybe by then my mind won't be on vacation mode?
Oh – and add some emotions and reactions.
~JFW1415
I'm going to be really nit-picky, just because this is so good. :D
Okay, comments:
I really, really like this. The characters are very nicely developed - Tannar is especially interesting. However, I think you are rushing into their relationship just a little too fast. I'd like to see another added scene, maybe - just before they get on the wagon, when they first see each other, or maybe a snippet of their lives before they head to the Academe. It just feels a little bit too hasty. They're such interesting characters that I want to know a little more about them personally before I learn about them together. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I think that's really all I have to critique. :D Looking forward to reading more!
P.S. I love the title!
~Sunny
I really liked how make it flow from one point to the next, the battle helped get things going at a nice pace. I'm a bit confused about the magic though. Maybe you should explain the different affinities and types, and classes too. All I got is that its a really big deal if you're a magician. But it's not much of an issue since I'm sure you'll explain as the story progresses.
In any case I think you should drop a few more hints about Avarn and what's happened to him. Personally I'd like to know who he's connected to.
All in all I'd say it's a good start to an interesting book and I'd like to read more.
This was extremely good!! I loved it
You have such great descriptions and character development.
I feel bad that I can't really contribute much editing since I found absolutely nothing, so I'm going to point out a tiny little thing just to feel better about not being able to crit anything
"thought" should be "though"
All right, hopefully my amazing crit helps!
~Once
:Edited again: (to include even more wonderful critiques by all parties!)
I have not really covered your wonderful story to my satisfaction to criticise it but this is all the same a wonderful story.
Nice introduction(prologue) that makes one really love the story.
Like almost everyone who has read the story.
I give it a thumbs up
I will really like to know when your second chapter is out.
Expect my criticism concerning this part very soon
Ahaha, a fear of cats XD. That was good.
I remember reading this quite some time ago, Gyr. It doesn't seem too different really, but then my memory isn't so good.
were
Just seems like an odd thing to say upon waking up, to find a strange boy staring at you. Quite aside from the fact that she was just interupted outed of her sleep, some guy is staring at her! Something like 'What the hell are you staring at?' nix 'hell' would seem more appropriate, no?
I think their relationship, or rather, interaction is quite good so kudos on that. I wonder if the werewolf attack is a bit too much, too soon, though. I understand that you want a bit of a shakeup, a catalyst if you will, but I think it occurs too soon. How often do such attacks occure? Are Werebeats common in Disantyr? If so, why? And what actions have the government/people taken to measure them?
Such information is lacking in the text and whats more there was no suspense, or very little at the least. I think you should foreshadow the attack with the kids hearing some howls in the distance, far earlier. They should wander about it - cue aforementioned info - and let the fear build as the howls get closer, etc. I think you should dump the element of surprise, in lieu of all that. Twould be better.
Anyway, its very good, bar a few simple errors. I liked it before and I still like it now XD.
Gyr! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but! Here I am now.
I don't read fantasy, so I usually don't know what to expect beyond the bits that I don't like. This piece shattered a lot of my expectations--fantasy can be well-written. The characters, though they had the strange names I so often despair over, were well-rounded and interesting to read about. What more could a reluctant reviewer want?
A few things to talk about, however...
STREAMLINING
I usually don't like to comment on sentence structure because I encourage writers to develop their own style, but I figure you're a good enough writer to take a style-based suggestion. ^_~ My problem with the way you put things together--especially at the beginning--was that all of your sentences were approximately all the same length, and composed of these short, choppy little clauses. Example?
See the bold? That's an example of where you've split a sentence in two with a clause that you don't particularly need. My general rule of thumb is thus: if something isn't essential to the meaning, get rid of it. Though people can put up pretty good arguments against this for plot devices and scenes and all of that, in sentences--your basic unit of structure--you want to be as streamlined as possible. It's why swimmers wear caps and shave their legs. It's a little gesture, but it helps them take off a few extra seconds of their time.
Now, that still reads a little too choppy for most, so don't be afraid to play with it. Having longer sentences is okay, but you want to make sure that you don't split them up halfway through.
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE (AND OTHER POWERS)
The problem with writing stories set in other worlds is that you're not certain what's normal and what's not. Seeing dead people, talking to gulls, performing magic, etc. are things that we're not sure about--are these people freaks, or does everyone do these things?
Also, when you have a person who can do things that most modern humans can't, you also want to find a way to make them fallible. What's their downfall? They have a superpower, so they also have to have a super-flaw to balance things out. Think of it that way--as a balancing act. Sure, Avarn can talk to birds, but does he have a debilitating fear of cats because of this? Balance the good with the bad, and you've got a much more realistic reading experience--even in a fantastic world.
__
Thanks for the read, Gyr! I'm off to chapter two. PM me if you have any questions and want to chat about something. ^_^
Hey gyrfalcon!!
but this is really long and I'm just going to take this piece by piece so yeah...
I don't think I ever read any of your pieces and so I don't think you know me.
*extends hand forward*
I'm Angel of Death but you can call me Angel.
Well anyways, I only read the prologue sorry
I liked this. Its very original and the aura that surrounds the words is magical in a way. The two characters Karenna and Avarn seem like they have a very close relationship. Emotion is one of the things I look for when I'm reading a story and you have it. I really felt that the bond between these two people were too strong. Also, the names that you use are soo unique and beautiful. I promise to be back.
All in all, Good Job,
Angel
:Edited: (to include wonderful critiques by all parties)
You guys rock! Note: chapter two up! topic31824.html
gyrfalcon - I think I did read this before, and that I found it as awesome as I do now ^_^ You should definitely try to get this published, or finish, if you haven’t already, and then publish. (:
Quote:
He, on the other hand, did watch her, hawkishly, and made little sounds of annoyance whenever she lied.
I didn’t particularly care for the interference - hawkishly. That word just seemed to litter the sentence with an unnecessary comma, at least to me, and made it sound awkward when it wasn’t.
Quote:
The gull would have snapped at anyone else, but he knew Karenna, and knew that if he hurt her the boy with the water-like eyes would not feed him again
The overeager critter that I am ^_^
Quote:
She was probably the only one in the village who wouldn't; even his adopted caretakers were slightly wary of him.
Nothing wrong with the sentence, but Karenna would be the only person who would miss him? At the beginning it was stated that he was “king”, and so I automatically assumed that those other children had grown sort of attached to him - if not, and it seems that is the case, then perhaps clear that?
Quote:
“Well then,” he said, “I’ll send a gull to come and get you and bring you to me, so you can free me from her and we can stop whatever evils she’s doing together.”
Awkward, slightly? If we cut out the tag, we’re left with: “Well then I’ll (…)”
Quote:
“That’s it,” he said, waving his arms expansively, “just Tannar.”
Hmm, I’d not drag that, just split it.
Quote:
He wasn’t looking at her anymore, and the traitorous part inside her wished that he would.
To me the “traitorous part” part stood out only because it was mentioned in the previous paragraph. Link to it, perhaps, so as not to make it look like a careless repetition, or consider placing something different up there?
Quote:
There were five other youths heading for the Dirantyr Training Academe, all of them sixteen, and most of them, from the way they huddled together,
Cut the second “them”? The sentence can stand without it, I think.
Quote:
Even so, the government did not provide transport for those who had to travel from the middle-lands or even the coast to where the Academe was situated on the westernmost boundary of the kingdom.
Complicated. I had to reread it to fully grasp what was said, but that might just be me ^_^ (Also - cut the “so” at the beginning of the next sentence, if only because of the opening “even so” of this one?)
Quote:
Of course, they would not do it for free.
Elaborate here? We have why, yes, but still.
Quote:
Tannar had been lying on his back, staring sleeplessly at the canvas above his head, when the howl rent the still night air.
I don’t know, I just don’t like that interference - it just drags the sentence, makes it loose impact.
Quote:
Tannar glanced over his shoulder to see Karenna, standing next to the wagon, her long brown hair streaming with water and her dress and cloak lashing back and forth in the driving wind and rain.
First comma unneeded, I think.
Quote:
Tannar waited until they’d reoriented themselves, then smiled and, with a little wave, took off for the nearby bluff.
Are all those commas really needed? If they are - they just… Hmm. Slow the reader down, and give the impression of the sentence being awkward.
Quote:
It must have puzzled them why, over the nearly fifty yards, they never once caught up with him.
I found this sentence a bit awkward.
***
Fantastic. That is all, I think, that I really have to say. I mean, yes, I could write you paragraphs and paragraphs worth of a proper critique, but all those words would essentially veer toward that one: Fantastic. You make me green with envy.
Length - I really don’t mind reading long pieces, so long as they are well-written. This one was. The ending of the chapter came as a jolt to me, and I’m sorry that it ended so soon. I distinctively remember reading this long ago, before I left, but that does not mean the experience was less enjoyable.
Er, yes. That was an attempt at a constructive critique, not only paeans. But ah, well. There is one thing that bothered me - and yes, I think I’ll be forgiven if I exaggerate it ^_^. The other girl, the daughter of Maraso Liam. If Tannar’s appearance - and his silk cloak’s - was odd, then hers would be too, no? Her traveling in a “rickety wagon”?
I think there’s a purpose to that, and to Jataal’s presence. Yes? No? Or perhaps it’s my paranoia. (I just thought that she might be the occupant of that other wagon - but that was kind of a random though).
Anyway. Fantastic, the whole piece. I’ll stop now, ‘kay? Before I return to the entirely pointless “you’re so awesome” theme. ^_^ I’d write you nice character impressions, and anything else, but, well…
Cheers,
Esme
*rereads*
OK, I see how the storyteller could be a different person. You mgiht want to mention Karenna laughing at the storytellers story or something like that in order to reinforce that they're different people.
As for the Avarn knowing everything bit, maybe switch it to:
The problem seems to be that you connected the children's thoughts - that he knew everything - to a fact - the ability to talk to gulls. That explains the confusion.
Well, thanks for being my first major critique. I've never had so much to say! I must be getting pickier
Hey there, thanks everyone for the quick response! Thunder-Dude, your crit looks to be very helpful, just a couple things I feel I should clear up (and my bad for not making these clearer):
Karenna is not telling the story. I realize that may not have been what you meant in your example, but my heart nearly stopped.
You're right, Avarn doesn't actually know everything, but at that point, I was showing (or trying to show) how the children perceived him: he was their king, ergo he must know everything (or vice-versa).
Again, thanks a million!
Well, Thunder really stole some of my thunder. He pointed out all the things I really wanted to say. My only other comment would some of the wording you choose is a little confusing and you did a lot of telling, not a lot of showing. An example would be in the very beginning with the children. Have some character interaction. You can have Avarn make eye contact briefly with one of the children and have that child look down quickly. Actions are always better than words (its a problem I have as well.)
Honestly though, job well done. I look forward to reading some more in the future.
Hello.
). It's extremely well-written, and I enjoyed it very much. Points for creativity.
Since I did not find anything to critique that Thunder didn't cover, I'll just give you my overall impression:
I loved it. I think this is one of the best pieces I've read on this site (NOTE everyone else, ONE OF
I know. I'm not much help, right? Sorry. But at least I'm giving your ego a boost
~KJ
Hello, gryfalcon! Thanks for being my first customer! I'm thunder_dude7, and I'll be your critiquer today!
Prolouge
This was pretty good. Here are a few things that I didn't care for:
I couldn't really tell what age the two of them were. You refered to them as kids, which made me think around 10, and they seemed somewhat immature, however, some of the things they said didn't line up with that. He said things like he was much more than a year older than her, and that just didn't really work.
The descriptions at the beginning were very tell-y. When describing people, try and slip it in subtley, like this:
Just an example.
...you can't be serious. It seems to me by his actions throughout the story that he doesn't know everything, rather, he can either read people's minds or just tell when they're lying. Most likely the latter.
Instead of saying this, I would say that the gull flew badly, reminding Avarn of the incident where its wing was broken.
Other than those things, I liked the prolouge. However, the key to writing a prolouge and first chapter is that the reader must constantly engaged in what's happening, and have an overwhelming desire to see what happens next. Until the conversation on the dock wandered to his mother and the magician lessons, I wasn't really engaged.
Other than that, I really liked this.
Chapter 1
My first complaint is that this is ridiculously long, which may explain why you had to come to a shop to get a critique.
Right away, we become aware of a new character, which is a surprisingly sudden leap. Maybe introduce the setting before we are introduced to Tanner and this young woman.
At first, the setting is very unclear. You might want ot introduce it sooner.
About the above line. We really don't know why she seems hostile. You might want to introduce the history that causes this. How do they know each other? Why are they in this wagon?
So she doesn't know him. This sort of explains her hostility. But why does he wish that she was't born if he doesn't know her name or vice versa?
Either this guy isn't human, he's dumb, or being sarcasitc. I'm seriously leaning towards the first.
I take it this is some sort of strange language?
You then switch to Karenna's point of view. I liked that part. You really worked to explore her character, and in the previous section, you explained his, I will add. Kudos to you on that. Nice job in this section, no real flaws that I notice, except perhaps making the wine barel falling on her more panic-y. Shorter sentences alone can improve that. Little revising needed here.
In the next section, it quickly gets very tell-y. you need to slip this information in to the rest of it. Maybe Tanner wonders why the government doesn't provide transportation to the acadamy, which also gives an opportunity to furter explore his character.
There are two opinions people can have on this line: 1) It pries the reader forward to discover how those bands got there, or 2) They are annoyed at not being given the information.
Just think about it, you don't nessesarily need to change it.
I actually enjoyed the next section, you've done a good job in adding an air of mystry to the situation, as well as explore the characters personalities.
The next section started out telly, but once you got to Avarn playing the piano, you fixed it. Other than that, you did a nice job here.
Uhh...what?
After that, this section was great. For some bizzare reason, I felt extremely happy and excited when Tanner saw Karenna with the wand. Nice work.
The next section started out with the introduction of Jataal. You might want to just introduce him as a wagon driver, and then have Kareena and/or Tanner recognize him.
The next section ws good until this part...
WOAH! Where did that cuss word come from? That really caught me off guard, and if you plan to cuss...save the cussing for dialouge, OK?
After that, you did well.
The last section was very interesting. I enjoyed the wrapping up of the battle scene and the sense that more danger could be on the way.
lol. It's always good to wrap up something serious and dangerous with joking around. Very nice. *chuckle*
Overall, this was very good. The main issue is that your descriptions get very tell-y, so be careful of that. Nice work.