The Mask

Hello, Love2act4ever, it's Selin here!

I want to say that I found your poem a very good way of expressing the situation you're in. And it seems everbody agrees with me. You have very strong metaphors and descriptions about you, and in a poem, I search for that: A philosophy.

You have a philosophy here, and you would like to show that to world:) But your mask, actually you know every single person of us have a mask, stops you somehow.

A very dramatic end, that you realize "NOTHING has changed.". Is it really that way? I wished if the poem continues, but it was an end. It is just a suggestion, you know, but maybe you would go on a bit more.

One of the parts I found interesting is;

"...It was just another book,
so deserted and cold.
It was just another chapter,
of another story untold..."

Good use of rhyme.

Another part I liked most is;

"...Can’t he let me be?
How long must I suffer,
to have this thing absorbed on my face?..."

A scream. A silence scream worded on paper. That is great.

Keep going, I would like to read more from you:)
Bye for now,
Selin

really, really loved this! you can tell that it's all true feelings that you have written down and that just makes it better overall. it's also great when it's someting you can relate to.

WOW....


I really enjoyed this poem. The rhymes seemed to go very well together and the emotion was very direct. But yet, still I'm not completely sure of what the reader is suppost to feel? Also, is the poem suppost to be just about your father, or your whole family? I got a little lost there.



Otherwise, great poem! Can't wait for more from you!!!


~Hailey. <3

Wowwww. Major kudos to you!

In every word, I could feel your emotion so much! I felt this odd mix of rage, sorrow, neglect, slight nostalgia, hate, and sadness.



It's awful that anyone has to go through what you had to go through, but I applaud you for expressing it in a healthy way. You truly have a gift for words, and I can see you being on the bestsellers list one day! Keep on writing!!!!

wow it's been a long time. I don't even remember writing this....

Thank you for the reviews everyone. I feel like I want to write another because my father has done it again. He keeps on drinking and doesn't know when to stop leaving us all in danger. He gave his car to someone and I was the one who had to wake up at 7 this morning to find him, and then he drove his friend back to her house wasting my gas. I get SO fed up with it all. Anyway I’ll let yall know when I have something else up.

Josh

While I must praise the therapeutic benefits of expressing your feelings, I found this poem lacking in substance.

Your images - where I could find any - were quite effective. In particular, I thought your use of the mask as a symbol of ignorance was very creative. However, there are several problems with this piece that I'll detail below.

Most of this consisted of blatant telling:

"The boy that existed,
so pure and good,
has been corrupted,
and there I stood."

The passive construction you used here is a classic feature of telling. Turn this around; make it active! Active writing = successful writing. Here's my redraft:

"They all corrupted
my heart of shining gold
and turned it to stone:
barren, lifeless and cold."

See how this is much more direct and a more powerful statement? When you begin to realise how glib and emotionally limiting the passive voice is, you'll start to SHOW us your ideas and not tell them. By making this active, we've also managed to squeeze in some imagery. Images filter your emotions and make them more accessible to your audience. They allow them to experience for themselves what joy, isolation, fear and contempt actually mean to the speaker. While it's best not to clutter your work with them, the odd one can spice up your writing and really enhance it.

The rhyme scheme seems forced and artificial. Find good examples of rhyming verse where the scheme is natural and barely noticeable. That way, you'll start to get a feel for what makes good rhyming poetry and what doesn't.

You randomly capitalised 'And' several times, which didn't add anything. Unorthodox capitals (if they were unorthodox) should nuance the meaning and heighten it; you didn't achieve this.

The biggest flaw in this is that it was EXCESSIVELY long. So much telling and not enough showing makes reading this kind of exhausting after a while. Much of the piece is dead weight - get rid of it! Readers have very short attention spans: if you don't lure, grip or intrigue them right away, they won't pull themselves in and enjoy the rest of what you have to say. A good rule of thumb is:

Say More With Less!

If you had pared down your poem and focused on several clear, effective images, it could have been much more powerful. Compelling poetry is poetic. As it stands, this is neither compelling nor poetic enough.

Your concept really warrants a better version of this. Go away, redraft it and with a bit of perseverance, this will be fantastic!

Good luck!

Gahks



(At the moment, I'm rating this piece 3/10. If you learn from the mistakes you made, this could easily be a 7! I know you can do it!)

The feeling I get when I read this poem is the same as the feeling I get when I listen to Metallica's "Sad But True". It is hard to figure out what would be more frightening... being forced to act like a robot to hide our fleshy vulnerable selves or finding that the warm and innocent part of ourselves is just another mask and we are just as cold at our core as our shiny metallic skin. It is interesting to think that by disecting our selves we can gain understanding of human nature in general and in turn be able to size up anyone we meet using those same tools. Poems like this provide a kind of looking glass through which we can first see ourselves, then everyone else. I loved it! Very deep, very dark. All in all a great piece of work!

I enjoyed this poem. Its always good to write out feelings...and the way you did it in this poem was beautiful. My favorite part was when you were talking about what it all came through.

Good job! Keep it up!

I will be waiting for more.

this poem is very good , there is a couple of little minor mistakes but i won't say them because this was a good poem, i liked the way you poured your emotion down on paper, really anytime you do that whether it be good emotion or bad it always makes for a great poem.
keep writing
---Jon---

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Beautiful. Just beautiful. The story and emotion behind the whole piece is irreplaceable and there is nothing that I believe needs to be fixed. Its very emotional and it makes me stop and think about reality and the trouble that comes with it. Good job.

I really liked this poem, no mistakes just emotion and I really love that in a poem. The truth is, this poem is very good. But what is the reader suppose to feel? Hate? Love? Cruelty? What exactly? The poem was great justdon't force the ryme to much it kills the idea and it kills the poem. Over all I liked it, it was great. So good luck keep writing hope to hear more from you soon.

-Max

Wow. A good one. I can imagine that this has just poured from your head, I can feel the emotion and the passion that you've probably gone through while writing this. There were a few forced rhymes, but overall the rhyming was good.

And face it all, standing tall,

but the man in the mirror,

isn’t me at all.

through a drunken father,

that drunk his life away late,

and through little brothers

I just wanted to hate.

Wow, I am surprised at the responses I am getting. Thank you! =D
The thing is when I wrote this I really did not want to show anyone, but I wrote it like a month or two ago, and it just popped back up. My brother read it and got a little mad. I told him, it didn’t really have anything to do with him, but he didn’t listen. My dad, has not read it yet. I rather him not…

It really is nice to see emotion on paper, instead of just flowery words that are pointless. Nice job. Although, I think you need to capitalize, "lord".

*hugs Love2act*

And I've totally been there. Just hang on, and it will get better. I promise.

Oh my goodness! A completely heartfelt poem. It's amazing in every way, and left me wanting more; although it's long ^__^ You can never have enough of something that's good, though, am I correct? =]

I can't just pick one or a couple lines that jump out at me, because the whole thing did. And I could relate to most of it and I know exactly what you're trying to say.

Amazing work, and I hope you keep writing! I really enjoyed this poem! ^__^


Much Love,
Leelo

Thank you all for reading it. It is funny how you can be so mad, that words just come to you, and you have to write them down. I felt so much better after writing this down. Please, do critique it though if you want. I know rhyming was a little forced, but I wrote this about 2 months ago, I think.

Rhymes got a bit forced in parts but rhythmically it was spot on. But I'll get away from the technical aspects. Emotionally it's like a knife, it cuts deep. The emotional weight of the poem is overwhelming. The fact that you were able to channel those feelings into a poem is great.

Well done. =D

The fact that you've so honestly posted your true feelings and thoughts up like this makes me just love it. I mean, if I was reviewing another poem with a different message I would at least try to nit-pick some problems with grammar and forced rhyming, but I simple can't bring myself to do anything like that on this piece. It's really great, raw and vulnerable. Well done.

This earns a gold star,

Eimear

Wowza. This is wonderful. It's so good because I know you really felt this while writing it. Why do we run and hide? Sometimes I just wish everyone could know how we felt so they'd stop giving us so much crap, right? Anyway, I have nothing to say about any errors or anything. Just know that we all have a mask, kiddo. Just everyone's mask looks a little different.

Holly

P.S. Mine looks the the Phantom of the Opera's, just for the record. Hee hee.

This poem really cuts deep. I can feel your emotions through your words. I think it's one of your best poems, and that you really put your heart into this. Although it's very sad, I think it's a well-written one. Wonderful job Josh!

I like this poem, as I already told you. XP No mistakes are jumping out at me saying "Fix me! Fix me!" So, Good job! ^_^ Its a big poem, but if it was smaller, it wouldn't be all that good, most likely.


Keep it up,

~Arris